Joke of the Day
Moderators: sky's the limit, sepia, Sulako, lilfssister, North Shore
Re: Joke of the Day
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years
-
Shiny Side Up
- Top Poster
- Posts: 5335
- Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2004 5:02 pm
- Location: Group W bench
Re: Joke of the Day
Stolen from another joke site (as i am too stupid to make this up ) enjoy
Words of Wisdom From Aviators
Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist
invents the airplane, the pessimist, the parachute.
If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage helicopter fly-ins? --- My favorite
Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed.
Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers &
helicopters -- in that order -- need two.
There are only three things the copilot should ever say:
1. Nice landing, Sir.
2. I'll buy the first round.
3. I'll take the fat one.
As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will.
a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight.
b. One day you will walk out to the aircraft not knowing that it is your last flight.
There are Rules and there are Laws. The Rules are made by men who
think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. Laws
(of Physics) were ordained by nature. You can, and sometimes should,
suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.
About Rules:
a. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.
b. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance..
(e.g.., If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)
The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.
The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession..
Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the
pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in
spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot's day is over
I know of no expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a
non-piloted aircraft.
Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your fuel tanks are full!
He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a
pilot; he that demands one iota more is a fool.
There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight by
that particular aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear likely,
there are no limits.
Flying is a great way of life for men who want to feel like boys, but
not for those who still are.
"If the Wright brothers were alive today, Wilbur would have to fire
Orville to reduce costs." President, DELTA Airlines.
In the Alaska bush I'd rather have a two hour bladder and three
hours of gas than vice versa.
It's not that all airplane pilots are good-looking. Just that
good-looking people seem more capable of flying airplanes.
An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and
sex was safe.
Airlines have really changed, now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
I've flown in both pilot seats, can someone tell me why the other one
is always occupied by an idiot?
Son, you're going to have to make up your mind about growing up and
becoming a pilot. You can't do both.
There are only two types of aircraft -- fighters and targets.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are
composed entirely of lost airline baggage..
You define a good flight by negatives: you didn't get hijacked, you
didn't crash, you didn't throw up, you weren't late, you weren't
nauseated by the food. So you're grateful.
The FAA Motto: We're not happy till you're not happy.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Words of Wisdom From Aviators
Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist
invents the airplane, the pessimist, the parachute.
If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage helicopter fly-ins? --- My favorite
Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed.
Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers &
helicopters -- in that order -- need two.
There are only three things the copilot should ever say:
1. Nice landing, Sir.
2. I'll buy the first round.
3. I'll take the fat one.
As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will.
a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight.
b. One day you will walk out to the aircraft not knowing that it is your last flight.
There are Rules and there are Laws. The Rules are made by men who
think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. Laws
(of Physics) were ordained by nature. You can, and sometimes should,
suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.
About Rules:
a. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.
b. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance..
(e.g.., If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)
The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.
The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession..
Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the
pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in
spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot's day is over
I know of no expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a
non-piloted aircraft.
Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your fuel tanks are full!
He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a
pilot; he that demands one iota more is a fool.
There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight by
that particular aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear likely,
there are no limits.
Flying is a great way of life for men who want to feel like boys, but
not for those who still are.
"If the Wright brothers were alive today, Wilbur would have to fire
Orville to reduce costs." President, DELTA Airlines.
In the Alaska bush I'd rather have a two hour bladder and three
hours of gas than vice versa.
It's not that all airplane pilots are good-looking. Just that
good-looking people seem more capable of flying airplanes.
An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and
sex was safe.
Airlines have really changed, now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
I've flown in both pilot seats, can someone tell me why the other one
is always occupied by an idiot?
Son, you're going to have to make up your mind about growing up and
becoming a pilot. You can't do both.
There are only two types of aircraft -- fighters and targets.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are
composed entirely of lost airline baggage..
You define a good flight by negatives: you didn't get hijacked, you
didn't crash, you didn't throw up, you weren't late, you weren't
nauseated by the food. So you're grateful.
The FAA Motto: We're not happy till you're not happy.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Re: Joke of the Day
Economic model ---unit cows…
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of
the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island
Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the
rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual
report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving
you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The
public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows..
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country..
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of
the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island
Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the
rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual
report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving
you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The
public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows..
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country..
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive
bmc
-
Siddley Hawker
- Rank 11
- Posts: 3353
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:56 pm
- Location: 50.13N 66.17W
Re: Joke of the Day
A farmer in Saskatchewan has successfully grown a field of vibrators....
Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.
Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.
-
Beefitarian
- Top Poster
- Posts: 6605
- Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2010 10:53 am
- Location: A couple of meters away from others.
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
-
Siddley Hawker
- Rank 11
- Posts: 3353
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:56 pm
- Location: 50.13N 66.17W
Re: Joke of the Day
An amateur theater group was playing a small western town. The leading man was under the weather, so his stand-in had replaced him. The young man suffered a bad case of the opening night jitters, so much so that when he came to the line "I'd love to kiss your lips and steal away" he stalled. "I'd love to kiss your..." I'd love to kiss your..."
From the darkened theatre came the cry "PUSSY!" The audience erupted, and that was that, down came the curtain and the play was ended.
Bright and early the next morning a group of local ladies marched in to see the sherrif, demanding that he take action. This was a blot on the town's reputation, we'll be laughingstocks etc and yadda. The sherrif was suitably impressed and assured the ladies that he'd take care of everything.
That evening as the curtain rose, the sherrif could be seen sitting front row center, with a shotgun across his knees. The play proceeded swimmingly until again the neophyte arrived at "I'd love to kiss your..." I'd love to kiss your..."
At this point the sherrif rose to his feet and turned to the audience "The first sumbitch says pussy gets both barr'ls."
From the darkened theatre came the cry "PUSSY!" The audience erupted, and that was that, down came the curtain and the play was ended.
Bright and early the next morning a group of local ladies marched in to see the sherrif, demanding that he take action. This was a blot on the town's reputation, we'll be laughingstocks etc and yadda. The sherrif was suitably impressed and assured the ladies that he'd take care of everything.
That evening as the curtain rose, the sherrif could be seen sitting front row center, with a shotgun across his knees. The play proceeded swimmingly until again the neophyte arrived at "I'd love to kiss your..." I'd love to kiss your..."
At this point the sherrif rose to his feet and turned to the audience "The first sumbitch says pussy gets both barr'ls."
Re: Joke of the Day
When insults had class:
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
bmc
Re: Joke of the Day
I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it. ~Groucho Marx
Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. ~Mark Twain
Nancy Astor: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."
Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it."
Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. ~Author Unknown
And my favorite...
I hope they notice the mistletoe tied to my coattails as I leave town. ~Abe Lemons
Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. ~Mark Twain
Nancy Astor: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."
Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it."
Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. ~Author Unknown
And my favorite...
I hope they notice the mistletoe tied to my coattails as I leave town. ~Abe Lemons
Re: Joke of the Day
RED ALERT!!!
OLDER MEN SCAM,(you are one!!!)
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves
at the mall and in dark parking lots etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe'sHome Depot Costco BJ's and even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise..
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking college-aged girls will come over to your car or Truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip they say 'No'but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen June 4th 9th 10th and twice on the 15th17th 20th 24th & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th twice on the 8th16th 23rd 26th & 27th and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
Advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
JUST A HELPFUL HINT...
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for 99 cents at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds, just running back and forth from Lowe's to Home Depot to Costco Etc.
Please send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
OLDER MEN SCAM,(you are one!!!)
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves
at the mall and in dark parking lots etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe'sHome Depot Costco BJ's and even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise..
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking college-aged girls will come over to your car or Truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip they say 'No'but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen June 4th 9th 10th and twice on the 15th17th 20th 24th & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th twice on the 8th16th 23rd 26th & 27th and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
Advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
JUST A HELPFUL HINT...
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for 99 cents at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds, just running back and forth from Lowe's to Home Depot to Costco Etc.
Please send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
-
. ._
- Top Poster
- Posts: 7374
- Joined: Fri Feb 20, 2004 5:50 pm
- Location: Cowering in my little room because the Water Cooler is locked.
- Contact:
Re: Joke of the Day
I googled "random joke generator" and got this from the first website that popped up.
A robot walks into a kitchen.
Says the robot, “Give me two whisky please.”
Says the guy behind the counter, “Can you pay for it, too?”
Says the robot, “Oh, that’s fine, I’m going to kill you anyway.”
What the @#$!? That's a shitty joke!
A robot walks into a kitchen.
Says the robot, “Give me two whisky please.”
Says the guy behind the counter, “Can you pay for it, too?”
Says the robot, “Oh, that’s fine, I’m going to kill you anyway.”
What the @#$!? That's a shitty joke!
-
Siddley Hawker
- Rank 11
- Posts: 3353
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:56 pm
- Location: 50.13N 66.17W
Re: Joke of the Day
Sounds vaguely German. German humour is nothing to laugh about.
My computer has a chess program and it regularly beats me at the game. I beat it at kickboxing though.
My computer has a chess program and it regularly beats me at the game. I beat it at kickboxing though.
Re: Joke of the Day
Due to recent budget cuts and the high cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as the continued decline of the U.S. and other economies, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience.
We apologize for the inconvenience.
Re: Joke of the Day
I just received some awful news. My Thai wife's breast cancer has now spread to her testicles.
bmc
-
niss
- Top Poster
- Posts: 6745
- Joined: Sat Jun 25, 2005 8:54 pm
- Location: I'm a CPL trapped in a PPL's Body.
- Contact:
Re: Joke of the Day
I had suffered blasting headaches for years. I finally went to the doctor.
The doctor said to me, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of Myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life.
I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'
I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'
The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
I tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As I admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
The doctor said to me, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of Myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life.
I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'
I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'
The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
I tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As I admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
She’s built like a Steakhouse, but she handles like a Bistro.
Let's kick the tires, and light the fires.... SHIT! FIRE! EMERGENCY CHECKLIST!
Let's kick the tires, and light the fires.... SHIT! FIRE! EMERGENCY CHECKLIST!
Re: Joke of the Day
A lovely young thing approached me last night and said she would sleep with me for $100.
I probably should have accepted , because when I asked for $200 she got miffed and walked away.
I probably should have accepted , because when I asked for $200 she got miffed and walked away.
Accident speculation:
Those that post don’t know. Those that know don’t post
Those that post don’t know. Those that know don’t post
-
razorblade
- Rank 4
- Posts: 252
- Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2009 7:31 am
- Location: YYZ
Re: Joke of the Day
- b75299b38fd63d92f03009e6f5d2dffc.jpg (80.54 KiB) Viewed 1333 times
-
Driving Rain
- Rank 10
- Posts: 2696
- Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2004 5:10 pm
- Location: At a Tanker Base near you.
- Contact:
Re: Joke of the Day
A pilot and his engineer friend met up one morning on their daily walk to Tim Hortens for their pre-work coffee. The pilot was surprised to see the engineer pushing a beautiful mountain bike with all the bells and whistles.
The pilot inquired ... when did you get the bike?
The engineer said... well your not going to believe this, last night as I took my evening walk in the park a gorgeous blond rode up to me riding this bike. She jumped off the bike and took off all her cloths and said take what you want!
After a minute of contemplation by the pilot, he finally said, great choice.. her clothing probably wouldn't fit.
The pilot inquired ... when did you get the bike?
The engineer said... well your not going to believe this, last night as I took my evening walk in the park a gorgeous blond rode up to me riding this bike. She jumped off the bike and took off all her cloths and said take what you want!
After a minute of contemplation by the pilot, he finally said, great choice.. her clothing probably wouldn't fit.
Re: Joke of the Day
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did..... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half
an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
-----------------------------------------------------------
On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums,
Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the
right answer. They've sent my form back!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did..... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half
an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
-----------------------------------------------------------
On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums,
Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the
right answer. They've sent my form back!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!
bmc
