Pilot's Eye for the General Aviation Guy.

[paydaymayday]

I was browsing through some old files and I stumbled across something I wrote in 2006. Hope you like!

Pilot's Eye for the General Aviation Guy
Three simple tips to help you be the pilot you really are—and look the part too!


There are very few things in aviation that remain constant: gravity, constant-speed props, expensive fuel, and the unquestionable fact that all pilots are babe magnets.

Everyone knows that pilots are irresistible, alluring people. It's the single reason all pilots decide to sign up to get that $10,000 slip of paper. We have dreams of stepping out of our sleek 1971 Cessnas (our dreams conveniently forget the orange vinyl and duct tape interior) into a crowd of waving, screaming admirers who are held back by our flight crew as we casually walk the gravel and grass path to the FBO's trailer door, a suave smile plastered on our faces. This is why I started flying, closely seconded by the high pay and easy working hours.

But then it hits us: how are we to maintain this level of respectability when we are in situations where people can't readily tell we are pilots? I have generously compiled a few tips that will help you maintain the level of respect you deserve while you are away from the airport.

The first thing you should do is throw away the Timex and go buy the biggest, most complicated, most expensive aviator's watch you can find. Don't worry if you have to take out a second mortgage to pay for it—you can hardly call yourself a true pilot without one. Real pilots only wear watches that are heavy enough to be counted on the weight and balance. For utility's sake, set it to UTC time. Whenever a non-pilot (read: lesser being) asks for the time, spill out “ninteen thirty-eight zulu”. Then, with an air of confidence, pretend you didn't mean to say that, and come back with “oops, that's the time us pilots use. It's three thirty-eight, for people like you.” Follow that with a wide, confident smile—the sparkle on your teeth will automatically appear.

The watch should also have a mini E6B flight computer around the edge, and you should jump at the chance anytime anyone mentions a conversion or speed/time problem, all the while squinting to read the infuriatingly tiny numbers off the bezel. People will be amazed at your computational prowess. Again, que that gorgeous pilot smile.

After a few weeks, the pain you get from checking your bank account will ease, only to be replaced by muscle cramps in your watch arm. In order to take your mind off the massive piece of gold, titanium, and steel clamped to your wrist, take a trip to your nearest sunglass retailer. It's time to take the next step and buy those aviator sunglasses all your favourite movie stars seem to be wearing.

While you browse through the wide array of choices, there are a few points that are very important to remember. The size of the lenses correlates directly to how good an aviator you are, and should more or less cover half of your face (if you're man enough, just spring for the fighter-jock helmet). Also, the frames should be gold, indicating how much money you have because you are a pilot. After you buy them, don't forget to wear them night and day, inside and out. As a pilot, your eyes are extremely important, and you can't risk even a single photon of UV light getting past those bad boys. Plus, a talent scout might spot you, and you could end up starring in the next big top gun film.

Still not getting the attention you deserve? Don't worry. Lesser beings can be painfully unaware of greatness, to say the least. Sometimes you really need to put it all out there. This is exactly the reason that you need to ditch that Sporty's t-shirt. Yes, I know it only has one oil stain on it, and the avgas has washed out quite well, but wouldn't you look much better wearing a nicely tailored airline uniform? Now you can step out of your rented Skyhawk and really feel like the pilot you are, as you place that captain's cap on your head and proceed home, showing off your four-bar gold epaulettes along the way. Now you look your part as a aviation god among mere mortals.

That's it. Three simple steps can draw in those admiring non-pilots, so they can sit in wide-eyed amazement as you tell them how you once managed to battle 50 knots of gusty crosswinds in 20 foot visibility in a medevac flight for a young child. You stud, you.

[canwhitewolf]

nice to have a nice sharp convertible or maybe a corvette to drive away in as well, make sure watch hand is on the steering wheel -sleeves up a bit, sunglasses on and four bars glinting in the sunlight, and of course that all important glinting smile as you drive away

enjoyed your writing

[paydaymayday]

How can your watch hand be on the wheel when it's the one half-hanging out the window? Haha.

Glad you enjoyed it

[canwhitewolf]

noooo

left hand on wheel -right arm around chick and of course smiling

[paydaymayday]

Ah, I recant. And here, we see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lz7tVmLHY-Q#t=0m9s

[b1ngnx33]

Love the story.

But there is a typo.

The 10,000 piece of paper, aka license.

You forgot a zero.

The 100,000 piece of paper, aka license.

In the near future, another zero will be added.

[Lurch]

For some reason I had an image of a CMA pilot as soon as you described the uniform and bank account

[Hedley]

You forgot the custom licence plate:

IATRA

[sstaurus]

[flying4dollars]

The first thing you should do is throw away the Timex and go buy the biggest, most complicated, most expensive aviator's watch you can find. Don't worry if you have to take out a second mortgage to pay for it—you can hardly call yourself a true pilot without one. Real pilots only wear watches that are heavy enough to be counted on the weight and balance.

LOLOL!

[Snagmaster E]

Always make sure that you have forgotten to pick up something from the grocery store and you need to get it on the way home from flight. And don't you dare take off your hat or jacket while getting it.

[GoinNowhereFast]

The sad part is some people are actually act that way and think they are perceived like that.

[Sneeker]

The sad part is some people are actually act that way and think they are perceived like that.

Just because we have no money dosnt mean we are not the shit. Act the part and the women shall come!

[paydaymayday]

Personally, I may have come to believe we are glorified bus drivers. Just point A to point B, folks!

[complexintentions]

How can you expect people to respect you if you don't respect yourself? lol

I can tell you, when I interact with some of the 450 people deplaning at Point B after we have safely brought them from the Point A we left 14 hours ago, they are not considering us glorified bus drivers. Nope, not demigods either but they do appreciate being cared for professionally.

Bus drivers drive buses. Pilots fly airplanes. Done both, enjoyed both, but to compare them is quite absurd! I know, I know, the whole self-loathing disparagement of ourselves is all part of the . Yeager "aw-shucks" mystique. But it really doesn't serve any positive purpose other than to devalue the profession and there are already enough airline managers trying their hardest on that front.

All professions do the same thing as you describe: pre-med students conveniently not having time to change out of their scrubs before heading home, firefighters in their turnout gear in public...and do you think lawyers wear $1500 suits as a show of modesty?

At least the caricature of a pilot you amusingly describe is still proud of what they do!

[paydaymayday]

I said it in jest, complex I do take my job very seriously... I am a pilot, no more, no less.

Glad you liked the caricature

[N2]

You forgot the custom licence plate:

IATRA

Hedley, after the amount of money I have spent in aviation I should really get this plate. However what most people don't realize is it actually stands for,

"I'm A Truly Retarded Asshole!"

What's that about a fool and his money??????

[old_man]

Don't forget your car. You're on your way to your first instructor job, you still live with your parents and thus the commute takes you on some busy roads and you are stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Due to certain costs you incurred to become a pilot you're car is an 1987 tercel that you still have payments left on but it is better than your colleagues who are still forced to take the bus. In anycase, there must be some way for you to distinguish yourself as a pilot from the rest of the earth bound people around you. The key to doing this is place, not one, but two bumper stickers on your car indicating you are a pilot. Stickers such as "I'd rather be flying", "jet noise, the sound of freedom", "kiss a pilot", and "If I were flying my plane I would be there right now" are guaranteed to be a success. Other drivers will be impressed and over look the fact that your car is being held together by duct tape.

Also, the key chain. The key chain is important because you can't take your car everwhere you go. (A bad weather streak meant you couldn't instruct and thus you can't afford gas this week). The standard recommended key chain is the red "remove before flight" key chain. It is flashy and guaranteed to be seen from far way. It signifies that not only are you a pilot but you also own your own car. The women will flock.

[metal]

LOL 3/4 of the people I know, have the "Remove Before Flight" keychain .

...myself included