The fun starts as soon as you walk through the urine stained door of the U-Haul trailer and are greeted by a squinty-eyed U-Haul troll who grunts something unintelligible at you. You know, something like “Wuddayawah?”
I cinch in the old belt and ease the acid-washed denim north a few inches, straightening up to my entire 5’6”:
“Well, dear sir. I would like to rent one of these here trucks you have in your brochure here”. (stab finger at artist’s rendition of pristine road-steed.)
“Awri-h” (“All right”, or, “I understand, sir”)
“Siyn-ear” (“Please sign this rental contract if you would, sir”)
“Yuh wunna shoruns?” (“Would you like insurance protection, sir? All of my colleagues here at U-Haul highly recommend it to all our clients.”)
Transaction completed, I stride out into the yard, keys in hand, and breathe deeply; my nostrils twitch at the pungent mixture of oil, garbage and dog poo in the yard. Ahhh….nature. It’s good to be alive!
Considering the truck I get looks like it has just freshly returned from a junkyard retro-fit, I am a bit surprised at the money U-Haul charges. Now don’t get me wrong: paying through the nostrils for a clapped-out deathtrap can be a pretty good time—but only if you’re a drooling redneck dating your sister---come to think of it, I’m not a hick, but the spotty-faced clown who rented this piece of shit to me sure was. Gotta love the fancy paint schemes on the sides too boys: What colours! What concepts! The cowboy roping a calf brings a tear to my eye as I recall the days on the ranch back in Lethbridge, and hey, the Bluenose is a salty touch….maybe now, as a U-Haul customer, I’ll be able to surf and ski and ride horses like those kick-ass murals on the side! Yeah!
And what is with those Arizona plates? That’s all I need, it’s like virtual reality or something! Man, if you squint real’ hard and crank the heat, it’s almost like being in the desert! Hey honey, there’s a Bison on the side of this one! What fun this will be!
The U-Haul slogan of “Canada’s Moving Adventure” is a riot too, and completely true. No false advertising there. I tell you, when the brakes fade out in the Rockies you’ll be finding out all too well what a real adventure is all about, as you violently soil your pants on the hairpins south of Revelstoke. Hang on tight, boys, and heed those warning stickers pasted liberally over the dash. Watch your vertical clearance as you careen through tunnels at Mach 2, mashing your foot into the floor where the brake pedal once was, as the speedometer needle claws it’s way to the stratosphere. Get the hydraulic fluid pumping just long enough to lay rubber on the Trans-Can and fishtail the trailer---oops!
Bored with your life? Need to spice it up? Rent a U-Haul, load it up with your junk, and head off across the country young man! Break down in the slums of Toronto, and ask for help from a friendly local. “You’ll watch my truck for me while I go to the garage? What a guy!”
U-Haul can make your dreams a reality my friend---take it from someone who knows what real fun is all about. After all, if you haven’t screamed in terror when your tranny falls off hours from civilization, or taken a sledgehammer to your door handle to get it open, can you really say you have experienced life? Can you?
I didn’t think so.
Rent U-Haul. And live the adventure
Not to be confused with Springjob, Handjob, Blowjob or any other job......except a flyingjob!
I reserved a cube van for some moving I had to do over the weekend, but when I got there, they had been told by the person currently with the cube van that it wasn't going to be returned today. So the UHaul guy, nice as he was, gave me the only other truck on the lot, after briefly checking my drivers license.
Now, either he was blind, stupid, or just didn't care. Because I have a G2, and he rented me a 24' 5ton truck with airbrakes. Not that I couldn't handle the vehicle - I was actually quite adept at it, but what if I wasn't? I could've rolled over an echo and thought it was a speedbump...