After listening to the JFK ground controller fixing the wrong turn mess made by one airliner and the Air China pilots amazing english skills.....just curious to hear some funny stories that pilots have had with ATC....any ATC guys please throw some in as i'd love to hear them!...I don't want a war to break out....just want a few good stories....hell someone might learn something!!

here are a couple I remember off the top

student pilot "tower, this is GABC downwind for RWY22 touch and go"
ATC " GABC number one RWY22"
Student pilot "GABC number one looking for the traffic"
ATC "GABC you're number one you are the traffic"

and my personal favorite communication while working combined air and ground positions with a smart ass exec jet pilot...

Pilot " ground, this is challenger N1234 for taxi"
ATC "N1234 taxi delta, bravo call tower holding short RWY 06"
Pilot "tower N1234 ready for take off"
ATC " N1234 backtrack to position RWY 24"
Pilot after recognizing same voice on both freqs says "you sound like a woman I once knew...she worked all positions"
ATC without skipping a beat replies " N1234 If she sounded like me, with a deep voice and all, I'd leave the lights on a little longer, you're clear for take off"
Pilot mic clicks but cojo is laughing too hard to say another word.

Some from FSS I've heard (or done)... .

Pilot in an E110, about 3 north of the field was frantically passed a Bandit, 3 north of the field, no contact.
(calmly) "Roger, we have ourselves in sight".

Airport had 2 aprons, opposite sides of the main runway, connected by a taxiway crossing the runway. Fairly constant traffic through the day simply taxiing from one apron to the other.
"Radio, GABC, north apron, looking for the south apron".
"GABC, Radio, roger, 9 o'clock, 1/4 mile".

On the ATIS: "...inform radio and center you have information Quebec. <slight pause, then different voice, clear as a bell> What the @#$! does RTO mean?!?!"
Played for an hour or so.

Another ATIS: "@#$!, that's weird" (whole message).

I'll let fssguy explain what he did on the ATIS, his took talent.

My favorite..

ATC: "Delta 1234, say air speed."

Delta: "Air speed"

ATC: "Delta 1234, say altitude"

Delta: "Altitude"

ATC: "Delta 1234, say Cancel IFR"

Delta: "240 kts, 14000 ft"

Back in the days of CP Air I heard this one from the tower in Fort St. John.

Tower: Empress 31 cleared to land check gear down.

CP31: 31 roger gears on its way.

Tower: Do you mean you didn't bring it with you?

CP31: You'll pay for that tower.

2 years ago in YWG when a tornado touched down about 40ish miles north of the city, a KEE PA31 from up north called Terminal, inbound to Winnipeg, and told the controller "...uh, and we're going to have to deviate quite a bit west of course to keep clear of this cell".

ATC "Diversions west of course approved, advise when able direct the field"

KEE PA31 "Thanks. Boy does it look ugly off to our left"

ATC (who sounded suspiciously Australian ) "You should see the guy sitting next to me"

To my brand new trainee (only woman in the unit) after she assigned a runway other than requested due to traffic.

FAB123: "Wow, you just got here and you're already bossing us around."
her: silence

She's still at a D level for snappy comebacks


If a pilot has a suggestion on what they can do to get them in quicker this is my usual response: "You're number last no matter what you do, so just keep extending that downwind"

"Center N1234, do you have the latest weather in Goose Bay?"

"Sure, Goose 12 zulu weather, winds 340 @ 15G25 temperature -37 Dewpoint -39 etc..."

"Ok roger, guess it sucks to be me for forgetting my jacket in dispatch back in Tampa"

-----


One day in a not too busy sector
"XXX123 I have traffic for you are you able 360?"

"Ahh well can't you move the other guy?"

(Trying not to tell the pilot where to go and be polite) "Well negative he has more traffic further on, I can offer you a climb, descent or a turn sir your choice"

"So you're saying we can go up, down or turn ?"

"That's what ATC is all about sir!"

"Ok, we'll take a turn!"

"Roger, XXX123 turn left two zero degrees"

"Well we'd rather turn right sir"

"XXX123 descend FL320 now"


------------------------

"Speedbird (British Airways for those who don't know) 123 traffic your twelve o'clock, 20 miles, 1000' above is a Boeing 747, 1000' below is a Airbus 340 both Air France"
(To this day no-one can figure out why he said the airline, just as a point of interest I suppose)

"Ahh Speedbird123 roger traffic in sight.... center is this what you call a frog sandwich?"

There was no reply from center since he was laughing too hard.

------------------------

"COA123 noticed you had to stop in Gander for fuel today, a bunch of your companies flights doing that today, hit some bad headwinds?"


"Yea... bad headwinds... that and company put some winglets on these 757's and figured that they could fly from New York to Hong Kong"

----------------------

"Aeroflot228 do you have turbulence at this time?"

"Negative sir, Aeroflot228 has farm equipment only"

-----------------------

Late one midnight shift...
"Air France 123 turbulence information for you, 150 miles, moderate bordering on severe turbulence was reported earlier by a 747 crossing your track"

"Roger Air France 123 has traffic in sight!"

(Not an airplane within 40 miles in any direction)

-----------------------
(My Favourite) This story has been passed down at our workplace, but several of his co-workers still work today, this is a few years back:

American business jet is flying somewhat up north, and is bewildered by the name of a fix.

(In a deep Texan accent) "Hey centre, when you got a sec, just what does "Chibougamau" stand for anyway what's it mean??"

"N24X standby" (Controller works essentially non-stop on the freq for a good 5 minutes, at a small break the pilot asks again:

"Center did you get time? What's that Chibougamau mean????"

In a to-the-point way:""N24X standby please!" And continues working, in a relatively busy sector with a lot of co-ordination going on,

Finally the pilot asks again "Center look we're going to be gone from your frequency soon, what's Chibougamau mean???"

After having enough:

"N24X, Chibougamau is Eskimo for GO F!CK YOURSELF I'M BUSY"

Not another word was heard from 24X until his frequency change...

"Radio, Saab C-G... uh, who are we?"

"Radio, FABC, where are we flight planned to?"

grimey wrote:I'll let fssguy explain what he did on the ATIS, his took talent.

It was an Atis goof.

"this is thompson fss atis M......... advise fss you have atis M"

Nice normal ATIS except after it ends it didn;t turn off it just kept recording AND transmitting at the same time. After the ATIS was done there was about 3 minutes of muffled voices in the background (me and a co-worker complaining about pilots.....luckily that never made it on) Then out of the blue you hear clear as a bell my voice ring out;

"I am so smart S M R T"

About 20 minutes later an inbound Skyward flight mentioned in between laughs that we should check the ATIS. 5 years later i'm still trying to live that one down......Stupid ATIS!

bigfssguy wrote:

grimey wrote:I'll let fssguy explain what he did on the ATIS, his took talent.

It was an Atis goof.

"this is thompson fss atis M......... advise fss you have atis M"

Nice normal ATIS except after it ends it didn;t turn off it just kept recording AND transmitting at the same time. After the ATIS was done there was about 3 minutes of muffled voices in the background (me and a co-worker complaining about pilots.....luckily that never made it on) Then out of the blue you hear clear as a bell my voice ring out;

"I am so smart S M R T"

About 20 minutes later an inbound Skyward flight mentioned in between laughs that we should check the ATIS. 5 years later i'm still trying to live that one down......Stupid ATIS!

bigfssguy wrote: About 20 minutes later an inbound Skyward flight mentioned in between laughs that we should check the ATIS. 5 years later i'm still trying to live that one down......Stupid ATIS!

Do you have the plaque that they made you after that one? I don't know where it went after we closed the ATB office.

grimey wrote:

bigfssguy wrote: About 20 minutes later an inbound Skyward flight mentioned in between laughs that we should check the ATIS. 5 years later i'm still trying to live that one down......Stupid ATIS!

Do you have the plaque that they made you after that one? I don't know where it went after we closed the ATB office.

No idea, it was still in Thompson last time i was there.

FABL a DHC2 on amphibs doing circuits.

PILOT:Radio, ALPHA BRAVO LEMUR Final RWY 29

FSS: ALPHA BRAVO LIMA roger

PILOT: Radio, ALPHA BRAVO LEMUR Final RWY 29

FSS: ALPHA BRAVO LIMA ROGER

Continues for a few more circuirs when there is a position handover to a 35 year very grumby Specialist

PIOLT: Radio, ALPHA BRAVO LEMUR Final

FSS: ALPHA BRAVO LIMA ROGER, I SAY AGAIN, ALPHA BRAVO LIMA, IT IS PRONOUNCED LIMA, NOT LEMUR, A LEMUR IS A RING TAILED MONKEY FROM MADAGASGAR.

PILOT: ............uh, roger.

From YQX ACC:

Controller: "BAW78- say your requested altitude for the oceanic crossing"
BAW78: "your requested altitude for the oceaninc crossing"
controller: "Say you want to row across"

IFR into YWG

Captian: If I called the visual would that speed thing's up

Approch: Nope

Captian:Roger

Co-joe(not transmiting):cleared vectors for minnisota international

after 14hours in the cockpit with the same person I have never laughed as hard

I posted this one already ten times but I still find it funny.

Story from Quebec City, airshow departure, CF-18 picked up by Center.

"Hard 22, what is your heading?"
"....."
"Hard 22, what is your heading !!!?"
"............"
"HARD 22, WHAT IS YOUR HEADING ??????"
"....I'm not heading..........I'm climbing....."



I which I could say that one day!

I'm sure every FSS has used this one:

Pilot: We'll cancel IFR

FSS: Roger canceling IFR. Weather is below VFR minima, IFR or SVFR authorization is required. What are your intentions?

_LF_ wrote:I'm sure every FSS has used this one:

Pilot: We'll cancel IFR

FSS: Roger canceling IFR. Weather is below VFR minima, IFR or SVFR authorization is required. What are your intentions?

I've had someone cancel in order to get special so that other SVFR weren't delayed. I didn't really think of it as a WTF moment. Ceiling was around 9 BKN, with good vis below.

Tower: Jazz 8400, radar reports primary target 12 o'clock, 2 miles, probably birds.
Jazz: Roger... pause... do you know what type?
Tower: Hopefully small and fast.