[/quote]Stories of pilots SHI&TING in flight
Moderators: lilfssister, North Shore, sky's the limit, sepia, Sulako, I WAS Birddog
2 guys in my company were on there way back to YWG from Regina and Saskatoon. They had gone to BK for lunch and the Captain had had a chicken sandwich.
Somewhere over YBR the Captain got the overwhelming urge to take a dump. By the rumblings in his stomach he knew it would be messy.
He got up out of his seat, proceded to where the jumpseat is on the frieghter converted merlin, and proceeded to strip completely nake to avoid "defacating on himself". He emptied out his brand new tennis bag and proceeded to fill it up with a bad case of the trots.
Not quite sure what he wiped with, but he put his clothes back on, and climbed back in his seat.
Upon landing in YWG he got the urge again, grabbed the tennis bag, jumped out of the airplane, and had the cargo guy boot him to the terminal on the quad where he emptied his bowels again.
The way he told the story was priceless!
Somewhere over YBR the Captain got the overwhelming urge to take a dump. By the rumblings in his stomach he knew it would be messy.
He got up out of his seat, proceded to where the jumpseat is on the frieghter converted merlin, and proceeded to strip completely nake to avoid "defacating on himself". He emptied out his brand new tennis bag and proceeded to fill it up with a bad case of the trots.
Not quite sure what he wiped with, but he put his clothes back on, and climbed back in his seat.
Upon landing in YWG he got the urge again, grabbed the tennis bag, jumped out of the airplane, and had the cargo guy boot him to the terminal on the quad where he emptied his bowels again.
The way he told the story was priceless!
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Northern Flyer
- Rank 6
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- Joined: Sun Feb 15, 2004 8:40 pm
The lack of women got to me when I was flyin 180floats for a fishing camp. so on a rare occasion when i got out i bought a stash of skin mags. then on my way back in the old conscience got ahold of me (musta been all the sunday school i went to as a kid) so I tossed em out the window (paper rots, it wasnt littering). feeling pretty proud of myself i glanced back at my tail and sure enough, there was a page stuck to the horizantal! and it wouldnt shake off either!
so i had to make a quick detour to an unpopulated lake to rectifly the situation before proceeding to base
so i had to make a quick detour to an unpopulated lake to rectifly the situation before proceeding to base
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just another pilot
- Rank (9)
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- Location: Edmonton
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co-joe
- Rank 11
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- Joined: Mon Feb 16, 2004 2:33 am
- Location: YYC 230 degree radial at about 10 DME
Sunday school? You mean like DJ rice sunday nights at the Night Gallery in CYYC? 
This is kind of along the topic of toilet humour that someone else posted a while back. Gawd I laughed when I read it.
http://www.salon.com/tech/col/smith/200 ... print.html
This is kind of along the topic of toilet humour that someone else posted a while back. Gawd I laughed when I read it.
http://www.salon.com/tech/col/smith/200 ... print.html
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Northern Flyer
- Rank 6
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- Joined: Sun Feb 15, 2004 8:40 pm
A couple of years back, my buddy was doing a King Air flight Norman Wells to CYYC. About half way back, somewhere close to '60, one of the pax simply could not squeeze it shut any more. He managed to get to the aft end, got his pants down, sit on the cooler (still half full of beer, coke, and ice...luckily it was a bigger size one), and let 'er rip.
He actually kept everything pretty clean, except for the odour. Luckily, everyone was pretty good buddies on board, but the smell made those few memorable moments a real bummer
At the end, the gentleman kindly deposited the cooler (with cover firmly on top) promptly into the nearest outside garbage (I can imagine what the first rampie did going out the door past the "package" laying on top of the barrel... hey, look! Free cooler!!)
He actually kept everything pretty clean, except for the odour. Luckily, everyone was pretty good buddies on board, but the smell made those few memorable moments a real bummer
At the end, the gentleman kindly deposited the cooler (with cover firmly on top) promptly into the nearest outside garbage (I can imagine what the first rampie did going out the door past the "package" laying on top of the barrel... hey, look! Free cooler!!)
Disco Stu. What a disgusting story. Good story but disgusting. One glaring error in the actions of the captain using his brand new tennis bag, one thing experience teaches you is that in similar circumstances, you dump in the co-pilots tennis bag.
Just kidding.
Just kidding.
The average pilot, despite the somewhat swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring.
These feelings just don't involve anyone else.
These feelings just don't involve anyone else.
Thanks Oldtimer... just when I thought I laughed till I couldn't breath you had a great finish.
Quite a few years ago we used to work Hajj flights taking pilgrims from the scarcest places in Africa to Mecca. Keep in mind some of these people came from the desert had rarely seen an aircraft never mind being transported to the holy land by the "chariot of the skies". I understand from many of the crews it was common to have passengers squat and take a dump in the ailes or seats as they had no understanding of a lavatory. Generally speaking when contracts went out on a 747 a new interior upon return was generally added as part of the quote.
Quite a few years ago we used to work Hajj flights taking pilgrims from the scarcest places in Africa to Mecca. Keep in mind some of these people came from the desert had rarely seen an aircraft never mind being transported to the holy land by the "chariot of the skies". I understand from many of the crews it was common to have passengers squat and take a dump in the ailes or seats as they had no understanding of a lavatory. Generally speaking when contracts went out on a 747 a new interior upon return was generally added as part of the quote.
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cougarhunter
- Rank 1
- Posts: 22
- Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2004 3:39 pm
Now that we're on subjects that start with the letter "p", I'll add one of my own, namely a puke story...
I was somewhat proud that no one had ever puked on my flights until that fateful day. Two rather large natives had jumped on the sunday sched going into a N. MB reserve. As I was on final I heard a commotion in the back. I quickly stole a glance at which point I saw one of then launch a projectile that would have made the kid in Poltergeist proud. I landed with eyes a watering and made a bee-line for the ramp followed by a rapid bail out of the a/c. The airport was closed so I had no access to cleaning supplies until I spotted a scrawny, scragly reserve dog. It, like most reserve dogs was leery of humans, so I left the a/c doors open and walked away. You know where this is going eh? Yep you guessed it, the dog jumped in and had a meal.
I was somewhat proud that no one had ever puked on my flights until that fateful day. Two rather large natives had jumped on the sunday sched going into a N. MB reserve. As I was on final I heard a commotion in the back. I quickly stole a glance at which point I saw one of then launch a projectile that would have made the kid in Poltergeist proud. I landed with eyes a watering and made a bee-line for the ramp followed by a rapid bail out of the a/c. The airport was closed so I had no access to cleaning supplies until I spotted a scrawny, scragly reserve dog. It, like most reserve dogs was leery of humans, so I left the a/c doors open and walked away. You know where this is going eh? Yep you guessed it, the dog jumped in and had a meal.
We are so full of shit, we want to see how much we lost. Thats why.
And besides in the words of the great American philosopher, George Carlin, sties are caused by watching your dog shit.
Did you know that an octupus is an eight sided vagina.
That beer nuts is the official disease of Milwaukee.
That cotton balls is the final stage of beer nuts.
So says that gay barbarian, Attila the hon
He was a leatherette with a woodpecker. (a short sadomasochist with a seventeenth century prosthetic device)
And besides in the words of the great American philosopher, George Carlin, sties are caused by watching your dog shit.
Did you know that an octupus is an eight sided vagina.
That beer nuts is the official disease of Milwaukee.
That cotton balls is the final stage of beer nuts.
So says that gay barbarian, Attila the hon
He was a leatherette with a woodpecker. (a short sadomasochist with a seventeenth century prosthetic device)
The average pilot, despite the somewhat swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring.
These feelings just don't involve anyone else.
These feelings just don't involve anyone else.
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just another pilot
- Rank (9)
- Posts: 1069
- Joined: Mon Feb 16, 2004 2:05 pm
- Location: Edmonton
Birddog. It must be that some are proud parents. My next story is not aviation related, but outstanding just the same.
I was at a very busy bar one night having a few pops with some friends. As usual, my rate of embibement was proportional to my visits to the latrine. That night, somehow, someone was able to get in and out of that washroom, without anyone noticing what they had left behind...a nice three coiler in one of the urinals. It was huge. Later, some of the visitors to that washroom stood in awe, and applauded. Not only did they acknowledge the size, but for the mere stealthness of the attempt. it was truely a mission impossible.
I was at a very busy bar one night having a few pops with some friends. As usual, my rate of embibement was proportional to my visits to the latrine. That night, somehow, someone was able to get in and out of that washroom, without anyone noticing what they had left behind...a nice three coiler in one of the urinals. It was huge. Later, some of the visitors to that washroom stood in awe, and applauded. Not only did they acknowledge the size, but for the mere stealthness of the attempt. it was truely a mission impossible.
I am Birddog wrote:Question.
Why do we always look at our...."trophy" in the toilet after we....'drop' it?
I can't be alone here...anyone anyone?
You are not alone
http://www.ratemypoo.com just remember if you don't like the answer don't ask the question
i got through 3 pics before wanting to vomit
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Regruntled
- Rank 2
- Posts: 75
- Joined: Mon Feb 16, 2004 2:20 pm
Not a flying story, but close:
Before I heard my calling
to become a pilot, I used to be a beach bum in Grand Cayman teaching diving and taking Cruise Ship passengers on snorkel tours.
One weekend I took advantage of a dirt-cheap weekend trip to Cuba just for kicks. While I was there, a local Cuban who was acting as our unofficial tour guide showed us to the "finest restaurant in Havana". We went inside a hidden basement eatery that only let you in if you knew the "secret knock". Seriously. I think it may have been illegal or something. We didn't know a word of Spanish, nor did the owner know a word of English, so he just brought us out some food he figured we'd like and we ate it. The food was really good actually, and we paid the tab (something like $4 USD for the 2 of us) and went on our way. This restaurant faded from memory until the next morning, back in Grand Cayman, when it came back to me REAL quick.
There I was, back at work, driving a load of 45 cruise ship passengers to a reef in Georgetown harbour, when it hit me. In a span of about 30 seconds I went from "doing fine" to "I'm going to die if I don't hit a toilet RIGHT NOW!" Normally we gave the passengers a 5-10 minute briefing before letting them go, but this time it was something along the lines of "Okay, here's your snorkels, the cool stuff's WAY over there (pointing to the distance) now get off my boat!"
So the snorkelers dutifully hopped in and swam in the direction I was pointing, and as soon as the last guy was in the water facing away from me I was overboard. Being the modest beach bum I was, I took a deep breath and swam under the boat, ripping my shorts off in the process. What happened next was something resembling cannon fire. In about 1/2 a second, everything I'd eaten since who knows when came out the back door with tremendous force. Talk about instant relief! I had just started swimming slowly forward in a shorts-around-the-ankles, underwater crouching doggy-paddle to avoid getting into the cloud of bum-barf when it happened. Still suffering from the occasional aftershock, and as yet unable to pull up the shorts and swim away, a virtual cloud of Bermuda Chubs, Sergeant Majors, and Yellowtail Snappers (collectively known as Caribbean Piranhas) converged on my "deposit" and started a feeding frenzy, gobbling up chunks left right and center. In the process, as I'm still trying to get myself together, my butt gets bitten 3 times as well. I'm still under the boat at this point, so I couldn't exactly scream in pain, but man did that hurt! Good thing they didn't go for the "worm" eh?
So the whole process wraps up, (in total it probably took less than a minute, but it sure seemed like longer!) and I re-emerge from under the boat, only to see all 45 passengers swimming toward me. Apparently, while I was under water, my trusty crew had sounded the boat's horn and yelled "hey everybody, look under the boat, Skippy (me) saw a Sea Turtle!" So they all came over to see what I'd "found" and I sheepishly pointed in some random direction and swam away, leaving them to look for my turtle, wondering why the water they were swimming in had become so murky all of a sudden...
Before I heard my calling
to become a pilot, I used to be a beach bum in Grand Cayman teaching diving and taking Cruise Ship passengers on snorkel tours. One weekend I took advantage of a dirt-cheap weekend trip to Cuba just for kicks. While I was there, a local Cuban who was acting as our unofficial tour guide showed us to the "finest restaurant in Havana". We went inside a hidden basement eatery that only let you in if you knew the "secret knock". Seriously. I think it may have been illegal or something. We didn't know a word of Spanish, nor did the owner know a word of English, so he just brought us out some food he figured we'd like and we ate it. The food was really good actually, and we paid the tab (something like $4 USD for the 2 of us) and went on our way. This restaurant faded from memory until the next morning, back in Grand Cayman, when it came back to me REAL quick.
There I was, back at work, driving a load of 45 cruise ship passengers to a reef in Georgetown harbour, when it hit me. In a span of about 30 seconds I went from "doing fine" to "I'm going to die if I don't hit a toilet RIGHT NOW!" Normally we gave the passengers a 5-10 minute briefing before letting them go, but this time it was something along the lines of "Okay, here's your snorkels, the cool stuff's WAY over there (pointing to the distance) now get off my boat!"
So the snorkelers dutifully hopped in and swam in the direction I was pointing, and as soon as the last guy was in the water facing away from me I was overboard. Being the modest beach bum I was, I took a deep breath and swam under the boat, ripping my shorts off in the process. What happened next was something resembling cannon fire. In about 1/2 a second, everything I'd eaten since who knows when came out the back door with tremendous force. Talk about instant relief! I had just started swimming slowly forward in a shorts-around-the-ankles, underwater crouching doggy-paddle to avoid getting into the cloud of bum-barf when it happened. Still suffering from the occasional aftershock, and as yet unable to pull up the shorts and swim away, a virtual cloud of Bermuda Chubs, Sergeant Majors, and Yellowtail Snappers (collectively known as Caribbean Piranhas) converged on my "deposit" and started a feeding frenzy, gobbling up chunks left right and center. In the process, as I'm still trying to get myself together, my butt gets bitten 3 times as well. I'm still under the boat at this point, so I couldn't exactly scream in pain, but man did that hurt! Good thing they didn't go for the "worm" eh?
So the whole process wraps up, (in total it probably took less than a minute, but it sure seemed like longer!) and I re-emerge from under the boat, only to see all 45 passengers swimming toward me. Apparently, while I was under water, my trusty crew had sounded the boat's horn and yelled "hey everybody, look under the boat, Skippy (me) saw a Sea Turtle!" So they all came over to see what I'd "found" and I sheepishly pointed in some random direction and swam away, leaving them to look for my turtle, wondering why the water they were swimming in had become so murky all of a sudden...
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Frank Castle
- Rank 2
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- Joined: Sat Mar 20, 2004 1:53 pm
- Location: Rikers Island
Frank Castle wrote:Edo
Please don't tell me you found that site on purpose, if so, you are one sick mo fo!!
Frank
herd a segment on the radio talking about colon clensing... the guy refered to the site b/c customers were posting pics of the junk his process removed.
i guess looking at that site was supposed to make you order his product. Not exactly like looking at the cute dog in the window and going "mommy can I have one ??"
Story 1
About 10 years ago as a 737-200 FO I was flying with one of the biggest jerks in the company. The day after our overnight standard beer and shrimp fried in garlic on the beach, our hero THE CAPTAIN was feeling a bit, shall we say bloated.
He went off to the forward lav to set loose the shimp from hell. Now you may not know this, but NO ONE with half a brain sits on the toilet of an airplane in the tropics. You "assume the position".
After having done his duty to the world of "blue ice", he returned to the cockpit. 20 minutes later he acused me of depressurizing. (flatulating) This I hadn`t done as I always admit mine. He looked rather white all of a sudden and returned to the lav.
It turns out that OUR HERO had forgotten that our uniform shirts have really long tails and didn`t bother or remember to hold his up out of the way. Bad move.
His shirt was trash, as were his pants.
We all carry an extra shirt in our flight bags. No-one carries extra pants though.
The flight was just a one nighter to the beach and he had only brought a pair of flowered shorts and beach flip-flop shoes and a t-shirt. He donned the shorts and returned to his seat in his spare shirt with 4 gold bars, black shoes with knee length socks and hawaian shorts.
It wouldn`t have been TOO bad except we had to change planes in the nation`s capital (Brasilia). He even wore his cap while passing amonst he passengers.
I was sitting on the floor laughing.
From that day on I always carry a pair of jeans "just in case"
Story 2
A captain of ours was giving instruction to a new first officer who was a little weak. The Captain had been feeling the first rumblings of a number 8 on the intestinal Richter scale all day. On a long final in bad conditions the pressure was too much for his personal APU check valve to hold back. Yup...Right there in the seat.
On landing, he taxied the 727 right past the gates and into our maint. hanger. He cut the engines, saw that everyone was at lunch so there weren`t any stairs forthcoming, POPPED the door, jumped into the slide and ran for his life to the bathroom. They trashed his seat. It seems that he didn`t even do the Shut Down checklist. Tisk tisk...Shame....Bad example for the student......
Story 3
A first officer friend(?)of mine on 737 cargo flights was discovering that his intestines really were 30 feet long and mostly full of dead shrimp and beer (again). About 20 miles from touchdown he hi-tailed it to the bathroom and assumed the position.
Now, I didn`t want to do it. Honest. He was my friend.
Some mysterious force made me pull the cb for the bathroom lights. Pitch black in there. THEN...2 G`s down, then 0 Gs -repeat- then rudder kicks. Great fun. You just CAN`T BELIEVE the funny noises a person can make.
I didn`t even scare the shit out of him because he seemed to be doing just fine in that department all by himself.
When he came back...... he didn`t smell too good.
Well worth the $50 I gave to the cleaning crew.
I know it was childish, but hey if I had wanted to grow up I wouldn`t have been a pilot.
About 10 years ago as a 737-200 FO I was flying with one of the biggest jerks in the company. The day after our overnight standard beer and shrimp fried in garlic on the beach, our hero THE CAPTAIN was feeling a bit, shall we say bloated.
He went off to the forward lav to set loose the shimp from hell. Now you may not know this, but NO ONE with half a brain sits on the toilet of an airplane in the tropics. You "assume the position".
After having done his duty to the world of "blue ice", he returned to the cockpit. 20 minutes later he acused me of depressurizing. (flatulating) This I hadn`t done as I always admit mine. He looked rather white all of a sudden and returned to the lav.
It turns out that OUR HERO had forgotten that our uniform shirts have really long tails and didn`t bother or remember to hold his up out of the way. Bad move.
His shirt was trash, as were his pants.
We all carry an extra shirt in our flight bags. No-one carries extra pants though.
The flight was just a one nighter to the beach and he had only brought a pair of flowered shorts and beach flip-flop shoes and a t-shirt. He donned the shorts and returned to his seat in his spare shirt with 4 gold bars, black shoes with knee length socks and hawaian shorts.
It wouldn`t have been TOO bad except we had to change planes in the nation`s capital (Brasilia). He even wore his cap while passing amonst he passengers.
I was sitting on the floor laughing.
From that day on I always carry a pair of jeans "just in case"
Story 2
A captain of ours was giving instruction to a new first officer who was a little weak. The Captain had been feeling the first rumblings of a number 8 on the intestinal Richter scale all day. On a long final in bad conditions the pressure was too much for his personal APU check valve to hold back. Yup...Right there in the seat.
On landing, he taxied the 727 right past the gates and into our maint. hanger. He cut the engines, saw that everyone was at lunch so there weren`t any stairs forthcoming, POPPED the door, jumped into the slide and ran for his life to the bathroom. They trashed his seat. It seems that he didn`t even do the Shut Down checklist. Tisk tisk...Shame....Bad example for the student......
Story 3
A first officer friend(?)of mine on 737 cargo flights was discovering that his intestines really were 30 feet long and mostly full of dead shrimp and beer (again). About 20 miles from touchdown he hi-tailed it to the bathroom and assumed the position.
Now, I didn`t want to do it. Honest. He was my friend.
Some mysterious force made me pull the cb for the bathroom lights. Pitch black in there. THEN...2 G`s down, then 0 Gs -repeat- then rudder kicks. Great fun. You just CAN`T BELIEVE the funny noises a person can make.
I didn`t even scare the shit out of him because he seemed to be doing just fine in that department all by himself.
When he came back...... he didn`t smell too good.
Well worth the $50 I gave to the cleaning crew.
I know it was childish, but hey if I had wanted to grow up I wouldn`t have been a pilot.
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harveymushman
- Rank 3
- Posts: 103
- Joined: Fri Apr 30, 2004 9:08 pm
I was flying in africa once and had some rumblings going on so we made a bee line back to the airport landed and I was out of there before the props stopped turning running the ass clenched 100 yard dash to the terminal only to find that the bathroom looked the same as the one in the movie trainspotting no ass wipe sh1t and bugs everywhere and no toilet seat. So I gambled and went looking for another, made it in time just before the gopher started poking his head out!
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Northern Flyer
- Rank 6
- Posts: 437
- Joined: Sun Feb 15, 2004 8:40 pm
