Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the
shadows."Twenty dollars" she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, it's
only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a
minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Ole says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face."
Crappy joke of the day
Moderators: sky's the limit, sepia, Sulako, lilfssister, North Shore
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon and said "I've turned the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon and said "I've turned the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose
> fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans
> and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of
> a large, silverback gorilla.
>
> Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and
> holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with
> his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink
> Dress.
>
> The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested
> that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and
> wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited,
> making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she
> let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
>
> She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
>
> "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This
> drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
>
> Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung
> her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
>
> "Now. Tell him you have a headache."
> fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans
> and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of
> a large, silverback gorilla.
>
> Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and
> holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with
> his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink
> Dress.
>
> The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested
> that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and
> wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited,
> making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she
> let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
>
> She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
>
> "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This
> drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
>
> Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung
> her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
>
> "Now. Tell him you have a headache."
If you think a professional costs a lot, wait until you see what an amateur will cost you 
-
Siddley Hawker
- Rank 11
- Posts: 3353
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:56 pm
- Location: 50.13N 66.17W
Time for a Christmas joke.
It was just before Christmas, and three guys who had just died in a car accident appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Since it's just before the boss' birthday," said St. Peter, "I'll allow each of you in, but you must have something on your person that can be linked to Christmas."
The first guy pulled out his cigarette lighter, lit it and said, "This is a Christmas candle."
"Pass," said St. Peter.
The second guy fumbles in his pocket and produces a set of car keys, which he proceeds to jingle merrily. "Christmas bells," he declares, and St. Peter stood aside so he could pass.
The third guy was looking rather worried at these proceedings, but all of a sudden a broad smile lit his face. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a pair of lacy panties.
"What's that?" asked St. Peter.
"They're Caroles."
"Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven'" said St. Peter.
It was just before Christmas, and three guys who had just died in a car accident appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Since it's just before the boss' birthday," said St. Peter, "I'll allow each of you in, but you must have something on your person that can be linked to Christmas."
The first guy pulled out his cigarette lighter, lit it and said, "This is a Christmas candle."
"Pass," said St. Peter.
The second guy fumbles in his pocket and produces a set of car keys, which he proceeds to jingle merrily. "Christmas bells," he declares, and St. Peter stood aside so he could pass.
The third guy was looking rather worried at these proceedings, but all of a sudden a broad smile lit his face. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a pair of lacy panties.
"What's that?" asked St. Peter.
"They're Caroles."
"Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven'" said St. Peter.
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Shady McSly
- Rank 5
- Posts: 338
- Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2005 9:28 am
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she purchased.
- A half-gallon of 2% milk,
- A carton of eggs,
- A quart of orange juice,
- A head of romaine lettuce,
- A 2 lb. can of coffee,
- And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front
of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the
drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk
to
her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth
did you know that?"
The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."
- A half-gallon of 2% milk,
- A carton of eggs,
- A quart of orange juice,
- A head of romaine lettuce,
- A 2 lb. can of coffee,
- And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front
of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the
drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk
to
her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth
did you know that?"
The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."
Another Story Just in Time for Christmas
Another story just in time for Christmas...
Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems every where...
Four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....
Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit, this stressed Santa even more...
When he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress...
And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...
The frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey... but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...
In his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor...
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from...
Just then the doorbell rang, Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, "Santa, where would you like me to put this Christmas tree?"
And that, boys and girls, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree....
Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems every where...
Four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....
Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit, this stressed Santa even more...
When he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress...
And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...
The frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey... but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...
In his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor...
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from...
Just then the doorbell rang, Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, "Santa, where would you like me to put this Christmas tree?"
And that, boys and girls, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree....
The probability of survival is dependent on the angle of arrival.
FRIGID PARROT
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".
''Save Our Troops let them leave Afghanistan''. - Neil Osborne and a few friends
-
mellow_pilot
- Rank 10
- Posts: 2119
- Joined: Wed Aug 17, 2005 1:04 am
- Location: Pilot Purgatory
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Sheila. She was a Pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the Hell away from Aunt Sheila when she's been drinking."
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Sheila. She was a Pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the Hell away from Aunt Sheila when she's been drinking."
While walking through the Boulder, Colorado woods, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
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corporate joe
- Rank 8
- Posts: 754
- Joined: Mon May 29, 2006 8:18 am
- Location: the coast
Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
Windows 95: The first program, having its best-before-date include in its name.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
Windows 95: The first program, having its best-before-date include in its name.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
The 3 most important things to remember when you're old:
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
-
corporate joe
- Rank 8
- Posts: 754
- Joined: Mon May 29, 2006 8:18 am
- Location: the coast
A Teacher asks her class if they are maple leafs fans. All the kids raise their hands except bobby.
The teacher then asks bobby, "ok bobby, since you don't like the leafs which team do you like?"
"The montreal Canadians"
"why the Canadians?"
"well, both my parents are Montreal Canadians fans, so I am a Canadian fans to"
"that's not a good answer bobby, what if your parents were both morons, would you be a moron to?"
"no, I'd be a leafs fan."
What does a leafs fan do after toronto wins the stanley cup? They turn off their playstation 2.
How do you know spring is here? The leafs are out.
The teacher then asks bobby, "ok bobby, since you don't like the leafs which team do you like?"
"The montreal Canadians"
"why the Canadians?"
"well, both my parents are Montreal Canadians fans, so I am a Canadian fans to"
"that's not a good answer bobby, what if your parents were both morons, would you be a moron to?"
"no, I'd be a leafs fan."
What does a leafs fan do after toronto wins the stanley cup? They turn off their playstation 2.
How do you know spring is here? The leafs are out.
The 3 most important things to remember when you're old:
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards he and says " Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank,confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, she doesn't work for Delta.
A few seconds later, another slogan pops into his head. He leaned toward her again "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he tried " I would really love to fly your freindly skies"
This time the woman barked at him "Man, what the &*$#@ do you want?"
The man leaned back in his chair, " Ahh, Air Canada".
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards he and says " Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank,confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, she doesn't work for Delta.
A few seconds later, another slogan pops into his head. He leaned toward her again "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he tried " I would really love to fly your freindly skies"
This time the woman barked at him "Man, what the &*$#@ do you want?"
The man leaned back in his chair, " Ahh, Air Canada".
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Stoptheworld
- Rank 3
- Posts: 181
- Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2006 6:18 pm
Unfortunately, an aircraft goes down with all souls. The pilots having done their duty to the end in trying to get everyone out end up at the end of the line to get into heaven.
The two see the rather huge line up in front of them and decide that this is bullshit and walk past everyone in the line right up to St. Peter.
A rather harried St. Peter looks up from his growing mound of paper work and asks the two pilots what they want.
The Captain replies "Hey, we're pilots, don't you think we should be at the front of the line?"
St. Peter, striving mightily to control his anger tells the two: "look, you two are the same as everyone else, go to the back of the line!!"
The two rather sheepishly return to the back of the line and after what seems like an eternity start to move closer to the pearly gates.
As the two are standing there, another pilot, four bars on his sleeves, uniform impecably pressed and clean, strides past the line up. St. Peter and the pilot trade pleasantries and the pilot proceeds right into heavan.
The two pilots, look at one another and walk right up to St. Peter and demand an explanation "Hey, St. Peter, what gives? We're pilots and you told us to get to the back of the line yet you let that pilot right in"
St. Peter replies: "Oh, that was God, He only thinks He's a pilot"
The two see the rather huge line up in front of them and decide that this is bullshit and walk past everyone in the line right up to St. Peter.
A rather harried St. Peter looks up from his growing mound of paper work and asks the two pilots what they want.
The Captain replies "Hey, we're pilots, don't you think we should be at the front of the line?"
St. Peter, striving mightily to control his anger tells the two: "look, you two are the same as everyone else, go to the back of the line!!"
The two rather sheepishly return to the back of the line and after what seems like an eternity start to move closer to the pearly gates.
As the two are standing there, another pilot, four bars on his sleeves, uniform impecably pressed and clean, strides past the line up. St. Peter and the pilot trade pleasantries and the pilot proceeds right into heavan.
The two pilots, look at one another and walk right up to St. Peter and demand an explanation "Hey, St. Peter, what gives? We're pilots and you told us to get to the back of the line yet you let that pilot right in"
St. Peter replies: "Oh, that was God, He only thinks He's a pilot"
Stop the World - I Wanna Get Off
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Siddley Hawker
- Rank 11
- Posts: 3353
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:56 pm
- Location: 50.13N 66.17W
A dusty old prospector walked his mule down the street of a western town. He'd been in the desert for six months with nary a drop of booze. At the first saloon he came to, the old geezer tied his mule to the hitching post. He was beating the dust from his jeans when the swinging doors opened and a gunslinger stood there, a six shooter in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunnie looked at the old guy and asked, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
"No," answered the prospector, "I never did dance. I never had a yearnin' to."
A crowd was gathering as the gunslinger laughed, "Well old man, you're gonna dance now," and began shooting at the old man's feet.
The prospector hopped around and the crowd roared.
When his gun was empty, the gunnie slipped it back into his holster and turned to re-enter the saloon. The old man went up to his mule and removed a shotgun from the scabbard on the saddle. There was a double click as he pulled back both hammers. The gunslinger turned around slowly. "Have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" asked the prospector.
"No," replied the gunnie, "but I've always wanted to."
"No," answered the prospector, "I never did dance. I never had a yearnin' to."
A crowd was gathering as the gunslinger laughed, "Well old man, you're gonna dance now," and began shooting at the old man's feet.
The prospector hopped around and the crowd roared.
When his gun was empty, the gunnie slipped it back into his holster and turned to re-enter the saloon. The old man went up to his mule and removed a shotgun from the scabbard on the saddle. There was a double click as he pulled back both hammers. The gunslinger turned around slowly. "Have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" asked the prospector.
"No," replied the gunnie, "but I've always wanted to."
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skydrolboy
- Rank 2
- Posts: 85
- Joined: Fri May 19, 2006 1:03 am
- Location: CYLW
A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles west of Winnipeg. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus
and he didn't want to be late.
The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no fuckin` way I can pass that test."
and he didn't want to be late.
The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no fuckin` way I can pass that test."
Man meets his pal from university days.
-"I heard that you got married recently?"
- Yeah...
-I heard that your bride was not too...good locking...
-Yeah...Went to the plastic surgeon...
-And then?
-Well...He said that it would be easier to sew a tail on her...
-"I heard that you got married recently?"
- Yeah...
-I heard that your bride was not too...good locking...
-Yeah...Went to the plastic surgeon...
-And then?
-Well...He said that it would be easier to sew a tail on her...
Success in life is when the cognac that you drink is older than the women you drink it with.
