Man meets his pal from university days.
-"I heard that you got married recently?"
- Yeah...
-I heard that your bride was not too...good locking...
-Yeah...Went to the plastic surgeon...
-And then?
-Well...He said that it would be easier to sew a tail on her...
Crappy joke of the day
Moderators: sky's the limit, sepia, Sulako, lilfssister, North Shore
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Siddley Hawker
- Rank 11
- Posts: 3353
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:56 pm
- Location: 50.13N 66.17W
A young man had marrried a young lady who, while she was very well built, was exceedingly ugly and not very intelligent. All their friends said the marriage would never last, but last it did, and the couple were, to all appearances, very happy tohether. One morning at breakfast, the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, after breakfast I'm going to fix a few loose shingles on the roof. You get the hammer and nails and I'll fetch the ladder."
After breakfast the man went to the back of the house to get the ladder and said to his wife, "Ok honey, go in the garage and get the hammer and nails "
The wife went off muttering to herself, "Get the hammer get the nails, get the hammer get the nails."
The man leaned the ladder against the roof, took the hammer and nails and climbed up and began to nail the loose shingles. His wife was standing holding the ladder when the man smashed his thumb with the hammer. "@#$!!!" he yelled, sticking his thumb in his mouth.
His wife let go the ladder and went off toward the door, mumbling to herself, "Get the bag, get the bag."
After breakfast the man went to the back of the house to get the ladder and said to his wife, "Ok honey, go in the garage and get the hammer and nails "
The wife went off muttering to herself, "Get the hammer get the nails, get the hammer get the nails."
The man leaned the ladder against the roof, took the hammer and nails and climbed up and began to nail the loose shingles. His wife was standing holding the ladder when the man smashed his thumb with the hammer. "@#$!!!" he yelled, sticking his thumb in his mouth.
His wife let go the ladder and went off toward the door, mumbling to herself, "Get the bag, get the bag."
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on
his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour,150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns
to the shepherd and says:
"You have exactly 1,586 sheep".
That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:
"Okay, why not?".
"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know f****all about my business."
"Now give me back my dog."
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on
his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour,150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns
to the shepherd and says:
"You have exactly 1,586 sheep".
That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:
"Okay, why not?".
"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know f****all about my business."
"Now give me back my dog."
Success in life is when the cognac that you drink is older than the women you drink it with.
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you?"
"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!"
"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor snickered and said, "Just Fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you?"
"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!"
"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor snickered and said, "Just Fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
bmc
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laticsdave
- Rank 4
- Posts: 255
- Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2006 1:52 pm
- Location: not YMO anymore!!!!!
Once upon a time there were three knights: a rich, upper class knight; a moderately well off, middle class knight; and a poor, working class knight. As coincidence would have it, the three knights had all recently got married. However, before they could consummate their marriages, the king decreed that all knights must go off to the Crusades for five years.
So the three knights decided that they needed to do something to protect their wife’s virginity.
The rich knight went off to the nearest goldsmith, and had a solid gold chastity belt made, lined with velvet and encrusted with diamonds and rubies. He took the belt home to his castle, and secured his wife’s virtue inside the belt. The gold padlock closed with a faintly audible “click”, and the knight hung the gold key around his neck on a gold chain.
The middle class knight couldn’t afford the services of a goldsmith, so he rushed round to the nearest blacksmith, and he too had a chastity belt made for his wife, made out of the best plate-mail he could afford. Now while he couldn’t afford any jewels to decorate it, he did line it with cotton, and polished it so that it shone. He returned to his small, semi-detached castle, and inserted his wife into the chastity belt. With a loud “clunk”, he secured the lock, and placed the chain inside the pocket in his hose.
The poor, working class knight could not afford to have a chastity belt made, but he did not want to go off to war without showing his new wife that he valued her virginity. He pondered the problem for a while, then with his last brass penny, went to the local healer and purchased a band-aid. He rushed home to his basement castle, and slapped the band-aid on over his wife’s private parts.
The three knights then went off to fight in the Crusades……….
Five years later, the three knights were bloodied and battered, but still alive, and they eagerly returned home to their wives.
The rich, upper class knight took the gold key from around his neck, and inserted it into the lock on the beautifully crafted, gold chastity belt. The lock opened without a sound, and the knight and his wife proceeded to have the most amazing sex they could have imagined, and continued long into the night.
The middle class knight removed the rusty key from his hose, and inserted it into the lock on his wife’s somewhat tarnished chastity belt. The lock was very stiff due to the rust, but with the help of some three-in-one oil, and some choice curses (which turned his wife on even more), the knight managed to remove the chastity belt. The knight and his wife proceeded to have the most amazing sex they could have imagined, and continued long into the night.
The poor, working class knight returned to his basement castle. He told his wife to lie on the bed. She did so, and the knight pulled up her skirt. The band-aid was still there, albeit a bit curled up at the edges, quite green and somewhat smelly. Nether the less, the knight loved his wife and proceeded to remove the band aid. And guess what? .............................................................it had healed up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So the three knights decided that they needed to do something to protect their wife’s virginity.
The rich knight went off to the nearest goldsmith, and had a solid gold chastity belt made, lined with velvet and encrusted with diamonds and rubies. He took the belt home to his castle, and secured his wife’s virtue inside the belt. The gold padlock closed with a faintly audible “click”, and the knight hung the gold key around his neck on a gold chain.
The middle class knight couldn’t afford the services of a goldsmith, so he rushed round to the nearest blacksmith, and he too had a chastity belt made for his wife, made out of the best plate-mail he could afford. Now while he couldn’t afford any jewels to decorate it, he did line it with cotton, and polished it so that it shone. He returned to his small, semi-detached castle, and inserted his wife into the chastity belt. With a loud “clunk”, he secured the lock, and placed the chain inside the pocket in his hose.
The poor, working class knight could not afford to have a chastity belt made, but he did not want to go off to war without showing his new wife that he valued her virginity. He pondered the problem for a while, then with his last brass penny, went to the local healer and purchased a band-aid. He rushed home to his basement castle, and slapped the band-aid on over his wife’s private parts.
The three knights then went off to fight in the Crusades……….
Five years later, the three knights were bloodied and battered, but still alive, and they eagerly returned home to their wives.
The rich, upper class knight took the gold key from around his neck, and inserted it into the lock on the beautifully crafted, gold chastity belt. The lock opened without a sound, and the knight and his wife proceeded to have the most amazing sex they could have imagined, and continued long into the night.
The middle class knight removed the rusty key from his hose, and inserted it into the lock on his wife’s somewhat tarnished chastity belt. The lock was very stiff due to the rust, but with the help of some three-in-one oil, and some choice curses (which turned his wife on even more), the knight managed to remove the chastity belt. The knight and his wife proceeded to have the most amazing sex they could have imagined, and continued long into the night.
The poor, working class knight returned to his basement castle. He told his wife to lie on the bed. She did so, and the knight pulled up her skirt. The band-aid was still there, albeit a bit curled up at the edges, quite green and somewhat smelly. Nether the less, the knight loved his wife and proceeded to remove the band aid. And guess what? .............................................................it had healed up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's called Football, not soccer!
A couple owns a condo in Florida that they visit every winter. One year the wife sends her husband down a week early on his own. He is to clean up the condo and report back when he is finished so she can fly down and join him. A week later, the husband had finished the preparations and he sent his wife an email.
Unfortunately he goofed up the address and it was sent to a widow who's husband had recently passed away. The widow opened up the email and read:
Hi Honey, it's me. I had a peaceful journey here. I have made preparations for you, and am anxiously awaiting your arrival at 3 pm tomorrow.
She let out a horrible shriek that send her son running into the room. Her son, reading the email, understood her mother's fear, especially as he read the last line:
P.S. It's really hot down here!
Unfortunately he goofed up the address and it was sent to a widow who's husband had recently passed away. The widow opened up the email and read:
Hi Honey, it's me. I had a peaceful journey here. I have made preparations for you, and am anxiously awaiting your arrival at 3 pm tomorrow.
She let out a horrible shriek that send her son running into the room. Her son, reading the email, understood her mother's fear, especially as he read the last line:
P.S. It's really hot down here!
A Classic to Hearten You All.....
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting them as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!".
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting them as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!".
Success in life is when the cognac that you drink is older than the women you drink it with.
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corporate joe
- Rank 8
- Posts: 754
- Joined: Mon May 29, 2006 8:18 am
- Location: the coast
A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"
"I'm positive." replied the atom.
"I'm positive." replied the atom.
The 3 most important things to remember when you're old:
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
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Rudder Bug
- Rank 10
- Posts: 2735
- Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2005 11:09 pm
- Location: Right seat but I own the seat
At the Kindergarden
Three boys a in a kindergarden classroom; one from BC, a black one and a Newfie. Which one has the biggest di@k?
The Newfie. He's 14
The Newfie. He's 14
Flying an aircraft and building a guitar are two things that are easy to do bad and difficult to do right
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Yd_QppdGks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Yd_QppdGks
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Siddley Hawker
- Rank 11
- Posts: 3353
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:56 pm
- Location: 50.13N 66.17W
Two old guys decide they haven't got a lot of time left, and elect to have a last night on the town. They got pretty likkered up and decided to visit the local whore house to end the evening. The madam takes one look at them and whispers to her bouncer, "Go upstairs and put one of them inflatable dolls in the beds in rooms one and two. I'm not going to waste two of the girls on these two geezers. They're so drunk they'll never know the difference anyway."
The bouncer does as he was told and the two geezers go upstairs and take care of business.
Awhile later, they were staggering back home and one old guy looks at the other and asked, "How was your girl? I think mine was dead!!"
"Dead? Why would you say that?" asked the second.
"Well," he replied, "she never moved or made a sound the whole while."
"In that case, I think mine was a witch," said his friend.
''A witch! Why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was going at it and I was kissing her neck, and I gave her a little love bite and she farted and flew out the window!"
The bouncer does as he was told and the two geezers go upstairs and take care of business.
Awhile later, they were staggering back home and one old guy looks at the other and asked, "How was your girl? I think mine was dead!!"
"Dead? Why would you say that?" asked the second.
"Well," he replied, "she never moved or made a sound the whole while."
"In that case, I think mine was a witch," said his friend.
''A witch! Why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was going at it and I was kissing her neck, and I gave her a little love bite and she farted and flew out the window!"
A general walks in the mess hall just in time to see a private put his spoon on his napkin beside his nearly full bowl of soup. The general asks the private if he is done with the soup. The Private just pushes the bowl forward, and the General takes it. As the general reaches the botton of the bowl, he notices a dead rat in the soup, and promptly regurgitates the soup into the bowl. The private looks up, and sais to the general, "Yeah, thats about as far as I got."
Flying is the second greatest thrill in life... landing is the first.
Take my love, take my land, take me where I cannot stand. I dont care, Im still free. You cant take the Sky from me
Take my love, take my land, take me where I cannot stand. I dont care, Im still free. You cant take the Sky from me
Bear on a roof
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He
calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this
ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the
bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the
pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will
then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the
van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner."What's the shotgun for?" asks
the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He
calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this
ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the
bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the
pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will
then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the
van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner."What's the shotgun for?" asks
the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
Take my love
Take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care
I'm still free
You cannot take the sky from me
Take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care
I'm still free
You cannot take the sky from me
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corporate joe
- Rank 8
- Posts: 754
- Joined: Mon May 29, 2006 8:18 am
- Location: the coast
This thread can not die.
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
The 3 most important things to remember when you're old:
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
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corporate joe
- Rank 8
- Posts: 754
- Joined: Mon May 29, 2006 8:18 am
- Location: the coast
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."
The 3 most important things to remember when you're old:
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
-
corporate joe
- Rank 8
- Posts: 754
- Joined: Mon May 29, 2006 8:18 am
- Location: the coast
Blonde Bar
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Success in life is when the cognac that you drink is older than the women you drink it with.
Substitute Job
Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.
Little Mary got up and said, "My Dad is a pilot, and my Mom is an architect."
"Great" said the teacher.
Michael got up and said, "My Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife." Good said the teacher.
Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said, "My Mommy, she is a substitute."
Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "You mean she is a Prostitute?"
"No". Said Johnny, "My Aunt, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mom substitutes."
Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.
Little Mary got up and said, "My Dad is a pilot, and my Mom is an architect."
"Great" said the teacher.
Michael got up and said, "My Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife." Good said the teacher.
Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said, "My Mommy, she is a substitute."
Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "You mean she is a Prostitute?"
"No". Said Johnny, "My Aunt, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mom substitutes."
Success in life is when the cognac that you drink is older than the women you drink it with.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling CAA is not an option. I will win.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother or have your mother come visit us or talk to her when she calls or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
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This has been a public service message for women to better understand men
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother or have your mother come visit us or talk to her when she calls or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
------------------------------------------------
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men
Take my love
Take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care
I'm still free
You cannot take the sky from me
Take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care
I'm still free
You cannot take the sky from me
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that
she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that
he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over,
and two claimed that he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that
she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that
he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over,
and two claimed that he was still there.
Take my love
Take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care
I'm still free
You cannot take the sky from me
Take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care
I'm still free
You cannot take the sky from me
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks, Troubled User.....
_____________________________________
REPLY: Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks, Troubled User.....
_____________________________________
REPLY: Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Take my love
Take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care
I'm still free
You cannot take the sky from me
Take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care
I'm still free
You cannot take the sky from me
