Aviation Jokes!

[Cool Rythms!]

Lets post something on this forum thats a little more entertaining for a change.

Does anyone have any really good aviation jokes.

Post them here if you do.

I've got a few floating around somewhere, I just can't put my hand on them right now.

It's always good to have a good laugh every now and then. Laughter always helps to keep everyone in good spirits.

CR

[Floats]

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or No," she replied.



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An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area. There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first, and disappears.

The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses.

The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position. He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot says, "I wanted door number three!"
"Sorry," replies the devil, "that's 'flight attendant's hell'."



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A burly good 'ol boy Texan on a flight flags down a steward and says, "Captain, I want a drink but I don't see the stewardess around".
The steward answers, "Actually I'm not the captain. This airline is proud to have integrated many of the traditional male-female roles of the industry. I'd be happy to get you a drink".
Passenger: "Wow, what does the captain think of that?"
Steward: "She's all for it, in fact, the entire flight crew is female."
Passenger: "I don't believe it!! Take me up to the cockpit so I can see for myself!"
Steward: "Actually sir, we don't call it that anymore."



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What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a modern airliner?

A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is there to bite the captain if he tries to touch the controls, and the co-pilot is there to feed the dog.
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How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp?
Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
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How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?
Because he says: "Thats enough about flying, let's talk about me!"



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A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he is flying, and about flying when he is with a woman.



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As the airliner was preparing to land in Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid. "What's the problem, fellow?" asked his seat mate.

"Surely," said the Englishman, "you've heard the saying, 'The planes in Spain fall mainly in the rains!!'"



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While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seatsand began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."



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An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "We have lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York."

A little later, the pilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York."

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new York."

At this point, one passenger said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"



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Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."



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A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"

The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."

So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.

They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

"HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"




What's the purpose of the propeller? To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!


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A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."



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"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"



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Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."



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"Didn't you read this book, 'Black Box', in our previous flight? Haven't you ended it yet?", the woman asked her husband.

"Yes I did", answered the husband, "but everyone knows that the first thing the rescuers look for after a plane crash is the Black Box".



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A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"
The clerk said, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.



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A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent.

"I want a round trip ticket," says the man.

"Where to?" asks the agent.

"Right back to here."



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Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."

She said, "We can't do that!"

I told her, "You did it last week!"

[Cool Rythms!]

Lol....Floats, I take my hat off to you man, I was roaring with laughter from those jokes. and I'm sitting in a cafe as I'm reading them, so everyone is looking at me funny!

Keep em coming man. I've got a feeling that this thread could go on for a very very long time as more people tune in.

Post all your aviation jokes here folks. Laughter is the best medicine for everything!!

[Mile High Guy]

A blonde gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blonde says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."






A British Airways passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines" he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."





ATTENTION ALL BIRDS Official Department of Homeland Insecurity Memo

Due to a heightened state of alert concerning the bird flu virus, the Department of Homeland Insecurity has determined that birds will no longer be offered unrestricted access to United States airspace.

As of January 1, 2006, all migratory birds will be required to arrive at international airports where Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) personnel will check for proper travel documentation and clear the birds for entry into the United States, provided they are not carrying undeclared fruit, which is even more dangerous than bird flu.

All birds wishing to enter this country will be required to carry passports, proof of immunizations, and entry visas. Birds who do not have visas will be charged (ducks will be billed) a flat $250 entry fee which must be paid three separate times, at three different government offices, after standing in three different lines as per standard INS regulations.

All undocumented birds shall hereforth be deemed “terrorists.”

Birds entering U.S. airspace without proper authorization will be escorted by military aircraft to the nearest landing facility. Birds (”terrorists”) that approach the Pentagon or White House will be fired upon with bird-seeking air-to-air missiles. All such violence will be televised by Fox News in a glitzy special entitled “Terror from above!”

The Department of Homeland Insecurity is requesting that all hunters and N.R.A. members assemble on the U.S. / Mexico border and shoot anything that appears to be flying. This includes UFOs, which are required to be videotaped with low-resolution video cameras held by people experiencing epileptic seizures.

Birds attempting to illegally cross the U.S. / Canada border in order to gain entry will be rounded up by volunteer bird watchers armed with high-powered binoculars and delivered to Tyson Foods’ Guantanamo Bay Division for interrogation at the hands of experienced bird torturers. (Torture photos will be posted online by Dick Cheney.)

Parrots that unquestioningly repeat everything they hear may be offered jobs as reporters covering the White House beat.

Birds who attempt to impersonate chickens will be eaten by Morgan Spurlock.

Birds whose migratory patterns are disrupted by this Homeland Insecurity action will be offered assistance from the Federal Emergency Management Association (FEMA), which is standing by with five thousand tons of ice that was never delivered to hurricane Katrina victims and still hasn’t completely melted.

All bird houses owned by U.S. citizens must be registered with federal officials under Chapter IV, Section 8 of the Patriot Act. Citizens caught harboring undocumented birds in undeclared bird houses will be deemed “enemy combatants” and subjected to the whims of Tyson Foods foul interrogators.

All birds made of white meat are hereby requested to report to their nearest INS facility for processing into Chicken McNuggets.

Questions about these policies should be directed to the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s food pyramid website, which has the same answer for everyone: “Drink more milk.”

Thank you for your compliance, - The Department of Homeland Insecurity, Multiplication Division

Authored by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger. Permission to distribute or repost is granted, provided credit is given to the Health Ranger, with a link to http://www.NewsTarget.com/013054.html




A no-frills airline
You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."

11. No movie. Don't need one.

12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.



A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland. Local search and rescue workers fresh from the last crash have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.



This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)
Although the US Navy Denies it.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.





An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy, which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but
no one seemed annoyed.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little
old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked,
conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"

"Did we land or were we shot down?"


"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn
right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at
35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard
the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"



Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.

Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!"

Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her "love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??" Calmly, Naomi responds:

"BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!"



In the middle of a very long Tras Pacific Flight the airplane lost all four of its engines. After several attempts to restart the engines, the pilot knowing the futility of the situation addressed the passengers.

" Ladies and Genltemen, I regret to inform you that there is nothing left for the crew to do. We are unable to restart the engines. We will be hitting the ocean within the next 30 mins. Although we will do our best to ditch the airplane and get everyone onto rafts. If you have a God, may I suggest that you have A CHAT with him".

Just as he finnished his speach a young woman stood up and started screaming to everyone on the plane. " I can't die, I don't know what it's like to be a woman yet. I want to know what it's like to be a woman."

As she was screaming for someone to give her her Womanhood an Elderly Gentleman got up and started walking towards her. As he was doing so he was removing his cloths. Just as he reached her seat, he grabbed his cloths, threw them at her feet and said. " Wash and press these and get them back to me in 30 minutes!!"

[lyncher]

you know you're flying a cessna when you get a birdstrike from behind



flight slogans
1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.

3. Join our frequent near-miss program.

4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.

5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.

7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!

12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.

15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

16. Bring a bathing suit.

17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.

20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.



A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

[Cool Rythms!]

A British Airways passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines" he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."

Lol...This one's good mile high guy!!

[Louis]

Here are a couple I more...

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."




American 702: "Tower, American 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from American?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."





The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign, Speedbird 206:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."



-Is flying dangerous?
-You know, we have a perfect safety record in aviation: we never left one up there!


Goodbye,

Louis

[ybp]

What do you call a flight with gay flight attendants?

A fairy flight.

----------------------------------------------------------

A sky diver was teaching his pilot friend how to do jumps out of a Cessna 152. When they got up to altitude, the sky diver said to the pilot, "When I step on the wheel, I will count out loud to three, then raise the tail and I will jump."

So the skydiver undid his seat belt, stepped out onto the wheel and was gone instantly. The pilot thought it was strange but came in and landed and the diver was ready to go up and jump again.

At altitude, the jumper gave the pilot the same instructions, but once again, the jumper stepped on the wheel and was gone. So again, the pilot landed and the jumper was ready to go again.

The third time when they were at altitude, the jumper was about to step on the wheel then he leaned over, turned the mags off, pulled out the the
keys and jumped.

The pilot was quite startled but managed to dead-stick the airplane in. When the jumper walked over to the pilot he said, "Next time, STEP ON THE BRAKES BEFORE I STEP ON THE WHEEL!!!"

[bigsky]

Buying Paint Airline Style



First, a summary of how ordinary hardware stores sell their paint...

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality paint for $18 a gallon and premium paint for $25. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular paint please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $90 plus tax.

Now, imagine you are buying paint from British Airways, United, Northwest, American, Delta, or ANY other full-fare airline in the world.

First you spend days trying to reach them by phone to ask if they have paint. Nobody answers. So you drive to their store, and the conversation goes something like this...

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a gallon" signs?

Clerk: Well, that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons.

One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint?

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference On your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with us ... next person in the line, please.

[rotateandfly]

Why don't airline pilots talk during sex??

...because they're too cheap to call home

[Bob A. Booey]

You might be a freight dog if...

Your airplane was getting old when you were born.
You have not done a daylight landing in the past six months.
ATC advises you of smoother air at a different altitude, and you don't care.
When you taxi up to an FBO they roll out the red carpet, but quickly take it back when they recognise you.
You call the hotel van to pick you up and they don't understand where you are on the airport.
Centre asks you to "keep the chickens down" so they can hear you talk.
Your airplane has more than 75,000 cycles.
Your company call sign is "Oil Can".
The lady at the FBO locks up the popcorn machine because you plan on "making a meal of it".
Your airplane has more than eight faded logos on it.
You wear the same shirt for a week, and no one complains.
Centre mispronounces your call sign more than three times in one flight.
Your D O mysteriously changes your max. takeoff weight during the holiday season.
Every FBO makes you park out of sight of their building.
You have ever walked barefoot through the FBO because you just woke up.
You mark every ramp with engine oil.
Everything you own is in your flight bag and suitcase.

[Cool Rythms!]

Lol.......Keep em coming. I love it!!!

I can't find the ones that were on my other computer, but I'm still searching.

[Cool Rythms!]

An Air Canada A320 was enroute from Montreal to Toronto. After the
flight attendant in business class had finished serving her passengers, she went up to the flight deck to see if the crew wanted anything.

Two minutes later, the captain made a PA to the passengers. The PA went as follows. "Good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. We're level at our cruising altitude of 35...Oh my God!!*&%%&". Silence filled the air, as the passengers were all on the verge of sheer panic, not knowing what happened.

A moment later, the captain came back on the PA saying, "ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for that outbreak, I didn't mean to startle anyone. As I was making my announcement, the flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the huge stain on my pants."

One gentleman, who happens to be an extremely nervous flyer said to one of the flight attendants, "that's nothing, you should see the stain on mine".

[. ._]

A King Air co-joe walks into a bar near the airport with his gold bars a shining.

The bartender says, "Sorry son, we don't serve pilots here, only controllers and fss folks."

The pilot gets all bent out of shape and has a hissy-fit.

Bouncers rush in and start beating the crap out of him. Eventually he's on the ground. The bouncers feet are flying as he gets kicked to a pulp. He sees a good looking woman at the bar drinking wine and watching the football game.

He cries out, "HEY!! You're lilfssister! This is your bar! Get these goons off of me!! I'm a PILOT!!!!"

She turns her head and says, "Say again, I think someone stepped on ya."

[lilfssister]

TOO many funny references there...if you're in the loop!

Good one istp!

[Flying Low]

Pilot in a small Cherokee is just taxiing out of the apron as a DC-8 after a particularly bad landing taxis in.

"What a cute little airplane!", the DC-8 Captain comments, "Did you make it yourself?"

"Yes sir", responds the Cherokee driver, "I built it out old DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for 3 more".