Homage to ISTP and 182 Driver

[raoul duke]

Well boys and girls long time lurker here. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and I always used to get a kick out of the stories that ISTP and the departed 182 driver wrote. So here is one that my "friend" 172 driver sent me about a sight seeing flight that he did over the famous Nazca lines in Peru recently......
I woke up extra early today because I wanted to make sure I looked sharp for my flight. I always pack an extra flight uniform just in case, and boy am I glad I did today as I got ready to show these South American flunkies how professional aviators operate. I made sure to wear my 4 bars (captain for those who do not know), since with my experience and talents I was going to be the one doing the teaching here!
When I walked downstairs I could tell that my fellow travellers were suitably impressed that they were going flying with yours truly. My tie was arrow straight, hair gelled up to perfection, Raybans exuding confidence underneath my crisp hat with the brim polished. One German girl covered her mouth and made a small sound, no doubt due to her awe at my impressive form as I flexed my well honed glutious maximus muscles, and triceps while deftly whipping my roller board luggage into the corner.
Once we got to the airport after some disagreement with the driver about taking my luggage (obviously this man was not familiar with professional aviators) it was time to show these boys how it was done! I reached into my bag and cooly donned my David Clark headset before walking into the lobby twirling the headset cords and whistling the flight of the Valkyries. Undoubtedly everyone was impressed judging by their awed silence as I strutted to the counter and signed in as "Captain 172 driver."
While I was waiting I asked to see the airplane log books and maintenence logs, as I wanted to make sure that everything was to my satisfaction. There was much speaking in Spanish before the pilot of the plane was produced to answer my queries. When he walked in I promptly clapped him on the back and said "lets go punch some holes in the sky son!" There was some more confusion at the airplane as this "pilot in training" wanted to sit in the left seat; but after a brief scuffle I let him have his way as I figured I could do as much teaching from the right seat, and everyone surely would know who was in charge of this steed!
After "Pablo" as I called him got the engine started despite my suggestions on the proper ways to start a Cessna 172 I started to rehearse my lesson in my head while admiring the reflection I could see of my svelte figure in the windscreen. Next thing I know we are airborne as "Pablo" has decided to go pell-mell, hell bent for leather without any regard for safety! Now after doing many CRM classes (I was awake for the most important parts) I knew what to do. I cooly said "I have control" and reached for the control column. It was only then that I realized these third world, fly by night bastards had removed the controls from the right side!
But then all my training came back to me (or maybe it was that John Wayne movie), but anyways I knew what I had to do to stop this nutbar from committing aviation suicide! I whipped my left arm around his neck and wrapped my right hand behind his greasy, cro-magnon head and started to squeeze. The bastard started flailing around and fighting me, but after hours of watching mixed martial arts I again knew what to do (thats the lesson kids..always know what to do no matter what). So I softened him up with some rabbit punches to the head until he moved his arm and presented his neck. Then I gripped my bulging right bicep with my left hand until he started making choking noises before finally going limp. At that point I lithely climbed over his prostrate body all the while putting him where he belonged...in the co-pilots seat.
I heard some yelling from the back and realized that the lives of the 2 Japanese girls in the back seat for the sightseeing flight were also in my hands at this point. I buckled up and yelled "don't worry ladies, the captain is in control now" as I got down to business. It looked like the world was corkscrewing at us and I immediately realized we were in a spiral dive. Instantly my instructor Marcels' words came to me and I pulled the power back (or maybe it was the mixture..the red knob anyways), jammed the opposite rudder and pulled that steed straight by God! And there we were right on final for the runway we had just departed. We were a bit high and the airspeed needle was pegged at the redline so I wisely decided to make a flapless landing. I calmly flipped on the landing light to let the traffic that was coming head on know that I was coming into land. No time to talk to the morons in the tower so I just jammed the nose down and went to the right of the so called aviator in the other plane.
The airplane was very quiet now that the engine had died but I had the field made so no problem. It looked like we were going to be a bit high so I pulled the nose up to bleed off some airspeed until I heard the stall warning go off at about 100 feet above the runway. We had a solid touchdown about 3/4 of the way down the runway, and after a few bounces and only getting one wheel off the runway I started to apply the brakes. The end of the runway was fast approaching but I was sure that I had read somewhere that they always build a stopway at the end of the runways anyhow just for this kind of emergency. It looked like there were some arrestor cables at the end too, which in retrospect looked a lot like a barbwire fence as we broke through them (cheap third world construction I am sure). But we came to a stop shortly thereafter as we hit a cow that some numbskull had let wander around on the airport grounds just 1000ft off the end of the runway and past a few buildings and a garden.
When the airplane came to a stop I pulled out the post flight checklist and ran it while the Japanese girls opened the other door and stumbled out, even though I had not cleared them to leave the airplane. Soon thereafter the authorities arrived and made many bad noises in Spanish while I acted nonchalant and cleaned the cow guts off my luggage. Apparently the crooked bastards want to press some bogus charges to extort me, so if any of you know a lawyer please have them contact me before I am forced to take matters into my own hands. I will be pursuing a commendation for my heroic actions today and will demand that the cow carcass be given to me so that I can at least eat a decent filet mignon in this god forsaken rat trap of a country.

[. ._]

LOL!

I am humbled- muthafucka said "pell-mell"!

-istp

[Dash-Ate]

[raoul duke]

Thanks ISTP glad you liked the tale. When do we get to hear about exploits again?

[. ._]

I can only write them tales when I'm REALLY motivated. Some cool flying event, or trip. Probably some time before the end of Summer is all I can guess. Life is pretty boring for me right now, I'm trying to chip away at some credit card debt.

-istp