The Online Dating Adventure (part 2)- by ISTP

[. ._]

Link to The Online Dating Adventure (part 1)


I was whistling the April Wine tune, “Tonight is a Wonderful Time for Falling in Love”, while strolling towards a bright light at the end of a dark tunnel. I felt loved and peaceful. I could sense the presence of my long passed grandparents. They were arguing just like I remember from my childhood.

“Jesus Christ, Erma! Hide! Here comes that stupid fat little shit waaaay before his time. I thought they said he wouldn’t be here for another few years!”

“Now Hal, that’s no way to talk about your grandson.”

“I don’t give a @#$!! That little bastard burned down our church, almost killed all of his previous flight instructors, caused nothing but trouble his whole damned life, and he shows up HERE now?”

“The Lord works in mysterious ways, Hal. You should know that.”

“Yeah. True, but FUCKING JESUS!”

A pleasant voice chimed in, “Yes Hal, my child.”

“Not now, Savior Boy. I’m in the middle of something! I didn’t call you.”

The voice replied, “Yes my son.”

I felt I could speak to my dead grandparents. “Granny, Grampy? Is that you?”

“Let’s just hide, Erma! Aww shit, too late. Yes, ISTP. We’re here.” A muffled, “@#$!” could be heard.

“Where am I?”

Granny spoke, “ISTP, it is not your time. Go back to the world. Make it a better place. Enjoy life. Love. And try that flying thing you’ve always wanted to do.”

“OK granny. I’ll do that. I was trying to do that anyways, then Vampira emailed me and…”

“Yeah, we know, we know, you little shit. We’ve been watching you and shaking our heads.” Grampy said. “Get out of here. And don’t come back till you smarten up and get your life together. And lay off those damned potato chips, you fat @#$!!”

“But how do I get back to my apartment? I didn’t bring a GPS with me. Not that I could use one anyways. They always have arrows and buttons and…”

Granny spoke up again, “Just open your eyes, ISTP, and you will be back. Open your eyes. Open your eyes…”




I was in the back of a speeding ambulance somewhere overhearing another conversation between paramedics.

“OPEN YOUR EYES, Rookie! He’s dead! And no great loss. We get this all the time. Stupid, fat lonely dipshit O.D.s on Sprite and potato chips. This guy’s liver probably looks like swiss cheese. I’m surprised he made it this far. How old is he again?”

“According to his Star Wars Fan Club membership card in his wallet, he’s thirty nine. And he has a stupid looking piece of blue paper that says he’s a pilot.”

“What? This asshole? A pilot?”

“Yeah. That’s what it says on the paper. Commercial Pilot. All single pilot non-high performance, single and multi-engine land and sea aeroplanes group 1 instrument rating to 2007/10/01 currency provisions.”

I opened my eyes and sat up on the stretcher. “What?!?!?! Is someone talking about AIRPLANES? I’m a pilot, you know!”

They looked at me in awe. Of course. I was a pilot after all, and we are Gods. Myself more than others.

They looked back at each other, then at me again. The older paramedic with a name tag that said ‘Bandaid’ inquired, “Why are you alive? You were dead! We gave up on you when we smelled your rotting carcass when we entered the apartment!”

“Sorry about the smell in there. Flash, my pet turtle died a month ago, and I didn’t have the heart to bury him. Do you have internet access in this van? I must email Vampira-my wife to be.”

“Vampira?” the Rookie asked of the elder lifesaver. “Didn’t we pick up a crack whore whose street name was that last week?”

“Yeah. Vampira always O.D.s, then we pick up the pieces. Her real name is something French. Something like Aline or…”

“Elaine?” I asked.

“Yeah, that’s it. You’re gonna marry that fucking slut?”

I felt the need to defend my betrothed. “YES! And I would appreciate it if you didn’t talk about my fiancée that way!”

The two paramedics donned latex gloves and face masks with lightning speed, and just stared at me. Slander ISTP’s love interest, and you’ll face his wrath.

They dropped me off at the hospital on Paris Street for what they called “testing”, but there were no multiple choice or essay questions to answer, they just picked me with a bunch of needles and said I had a “myocardial in fart shin”, whatever that was- something to do with my love filled heart. I didn’t care. I really had to email Elaine. And though my chest hurt, I got up and walked home. It was REALLY cold with my butt hanging out of the gown they gave me, but I had my Winnie the Pooh pyjama top on still, so that helped me out a bit. As my feet crunched on the Sudbury sidewalk snow, I had love on the brain, and that kept me warm too.

I emailed Elaine as soon as I got home.

Dearest Elaine,

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
They said I was dead,
But that wasn’t true.

Let’s meet somewhere so I can properly propose to you. You pick the place, and I’ll be there, manly mullet in tow. If they have burgers and Sprite, that would be best.

Love, ISTP

I looked and looked at my Lenty O’Fish dating website inbox for a while with no reply coming back to me. Darn! I thought of a lot of things she could be doing. Her hair, her nails, making burgers for herself, alone in an apartment wishing she had a thick glassed, balding mullet man to keep her company. Oh, if she only knew what a great husband I would be!

JACKPOT! A reply to my inbox!

Hey asshole,
You got to pick me up so I can get your money. Coke aint cheap, so bring a lot of money. My dealer is at the Rotting Devil in the dunovan. You can buy me a burger too, bitch. I havent eaten in four days, and your not getting any of my stash. I dont know what the hell you are talking about proposing and stuff. Are you retarded?

I live in room 326 above the Ledo Hotel across from the arena. Be there at 5 tomorrow afternoon or else I’ll have to push my ass more for some more shit. I think I have a yeast infection, so I want to take a few days off of work.

Don’t be late, asshole!
Elaine

The date was finalized! In the most romantic part of the Big Nickel. The locals called it The Dunnoven, but on maps it just says Donovan. In any case, it really is beautiful with an urban/Gary Indiana/East Side of Detroit feel to it, but the people are white, not black. I had been there once before and someone took my wallet. I’m still waiting for it to be returned, but I know it will come. Sudburians have hearts of gold. Or, well, nickel. Still a pretty pricey commodity, I think.

Now what to wear? I wanted to make a good impression. So what better thing to wear than the Sault College uniform! Nice white shirt with five-bar epaulettes, snazzy black slacks, no hair past the collar. DARN! I had been out of the College for so long, that my previously short hair had turned into a mullet! I would be out of uniform! I’d be breaking the Standard Operating Procedures of Sault College! What to do? I cracked a can of Sprite. Oh jeez. I hoped there weren’t going to be flight instructors at the Rotting Devil. And I couldn’t cut my mullet. I had so much time invested in it, and Vampira, I mean, Elaine wouldn’t recognize me. But I had graduated, so I thought the SOPs didn’t apply. I wasn’t sure, but this was one of the times one had to take a risk to win the heart of a maiden fair. Oh, my bottle wielding, cigarette smoking Elaine. My heart swooned at the thought of her. I thought she mentioned something about bringing a lot of money with me too, so I re-read her email. Yes. She required a dowry like the East Indians do. I figured that was some kind of Orthodox Catholic thing, so it seemed legit. I would have to go to the bank and take out all of my money to buy her love. A small price to pay.





The next day I got to the bank at precisely 4:30- looking spiffy in my Sault College uniform, but there was a guy locking the door. He gave me a dirty look and the finger. Bank employees. Sheesh!

Oh well, I figured the dowry could wait another day or so. The main thing was that I officially proposed to my dearest Elaine. I hopped in the Caprice Classic and smogged up the few blocks to the Ledo Hotel. Where I saw my lady for the first time! She was wearing a leopard print mini-skirt with fishnet stockings and dirty mukluks. She was a big girl with a gut to die for. (I always have been turned on a nice round belly on a woman. The skinnier the legs and narrower the hips, the better too.) I was early for her five o’clock pick up time, but punctuality is admired by the fairer sex- at least that’s what the website "www.beatyourmeat.com" espouses.

I pulled up to her. She was approaching the driver’s side window of my car. I tried to roll it down, but it was broken or frozen, so I cracked my door open ever so romantically. She acknowledged me.

“Hey honey, looking for a date? Fifty for straight or a hundred for half and half. If you wanna go back door, that’ll be extra.”

I didn’t know what she meant, but I replied, “I’m early for our date, actually. I’m your fiancé- ISTP!”

She stepped back a bit in shock, then composed herself and approached again.

“Are you the asshole that has been emailing me on Lenty O’Fish?”

“Yes, my dear, if by ‘asshole’ you mean the person who will love and cherish you for the rest of your life.” Man, I was smooth.

“OK, I’m freezing out here and business is slow this time of day. Let’s get to my dealer. I’m starting to come down.”

“Your chariot awaits, my love. Hop in ISTP’s lovemobile.”

She walked around to the passenger door, opened it and flopped on my genuine vinyl bench seat. I couldn’t wait for our first kiss, so I leaned over to her and tried to kiss her, but she turned her head away. I wasn’t mad. This way I knew she was a good Catholic girl. And when she said, “@#$! off! I don’t kiss when I’m working.” I knew she was a professional, though I wasn’t sure what she did for a career. We had our whole lives ahead of us and lots of time for me to figure that out. A good pilot always takes time to think things through.

In The Dunnoven at the Rotting Devil, black clad people with pale faces sipped Clamato. Inverted crosses and baby doll heads were strewn around the restaurant. And there was an attractive painting by a local artist of a burning 737 or 767 or airbus or something (they all look the same) with the caption underneath it in colourful kids’ fridge magnets- Bon Voyage, flight 666. We sat at a table for two, and I overheard the conversation at the next table.

“Is that fat fucker with Vampira a nark?”

“Naa. Check out that mullet! And the epaulettes!”

“Yeah. Heh, heh, heh. But the epaulettes ARE kinda cool.”

“True.” He nodded.

Then I heard some giggling. That happens everywhere I go, so I’m used to it. When I was a child, my invisible friend Lester always giggled at me. I was feeling very comfortable.

The waitress approached us with menus. Elaine ordered a coffee and I ordered a Sprite. They said they only had 7 Up, so I settled for a 7 Up, even though the caffeine in it causes cancer, or irritable bowel syndrome or something this week.

I really had to take a crap. Unfortunate, but natural, and I know when I see a lovely woman, I always have to dump. That’s just the way I am. So I said to Elaine, “My love, I must have a bowel movement now. While I’m away, please order the Bela Lugosi Burger for me as I crap.” They always say to be yourself on a first date, and as this was my first date. I was as honest as possible because good communication leads to a good relationship. “I hope it’s not too messy, because when I wipe my bum, I’m always afraid I’ll overflow the toilet if I use too much toilet paper.”

Her eyes darted around the room in a nervous fashion. She was scratching the back of her left hand, and asked the two guys I overheard if she could buy some snow. This puzzled me too, because there was snow all over the ground outside, why would she want to buy some? I was going to ask her to clarify, but I really had to do my business. I hurried to the washroom.

As I sat in the stall, I heard quite the commotion happening in the restaurant. There was the sound of yelling. “Sudbury police! On the ground, on the ground!” stuff like that. I wanted to know what was going on, but I couldn’t pinch and run. I never have been able to. Then a guy dressed like a grey storm trooper popped his head over the stall, and said, “Jesus CHRIST! What did you eat?” Then I heard him vomit in the stall next to me, and he ran out. My dump was really big, and it took a long time, but I eventually made it out to the restaurant to see our waitress picking up overturned tables and chairs. Everyone was gone except for her. My Elaine was gone too!

In a panic, I asked the waitress, “What happened? Everyone is gone! Where is my Beautiful Elaine?”

She replied, “You’re a stupid one, eh? The tactical squad always comes in here and picks up all the losers, crack whores and junkies. They always thank me for the one-stop shopping, and they give me free tickets to the Policemen’s Circus every year.”

I continued, “That may be true, but do you have any idea where I can find my fiancée now?”

“Who was that? Was she here just now?”

“Yes, her name is Elaine and she is a fan of vintage air force jets, because her dating profile name was Vampira.”

“Oh, Vampira? Yeah, they took her. You could probably bail her out of jail. But don’t do it tonight. She makes her money servicing the night-shift guards sometimes. You’re gonna marry her?”

“Yes.”

“Well I can tell you right now. She’ll pawn the ring off in two seconds to get cocaine.”

MY GOD!! THE RING!!! I had forgotten to buy an engagement ring! I forget a lot of things. Luckily there are always checklists in airplanes. Well, I never use them anyways, unless the windows fog up and I need something to clear them with. Unlaminated ones are best.

I ran out to my 1981 Caprice Classic and squealed into the night. Not my tires, my alternator belt. It was cold.

I had to find a 24 hour jewelry store so I could buy a ring for my lovely Elaine! But I had no money because that guy wouldn’t let me into the bank! I was in a panic, so I did what many pilots do under stress. I went home and hit the Sprite. I hit it hard. And when I drank my apartment dry, I passed out with the tingly Sprite sensation in my liver. Tomorrow was a new day. Yes TOMORROW I would propose to Elaine. As soon as I freed her from jail.

[Just another canuck]

Dude, it's sooooo long... okay, I'll give it a read though.

[Just another canuck]

[yzfer]

AHAHAH...The SOP part just made my day, that's my life right now. Thanks for the laugh.

[xsbank]

You've got talent, ISTP, you're wasting it in an airplane!

Remember Ace McCool, Down East International and the infamous Mudguard?

Long live the mullet!

[Phaedrus]

Good work ISTP,

Careful with those seats though in the Sudbury winter- if it is genuine 100% vinyl, and it gets cold soaked long enough, it will likely crack if you ever happen to get Elaine into the back seat with you. This will result in some uncomfortable chaffing; and an embarrassing rash the next day. Trust me.

[MG_]

.

[Cat Driver]

“Hey honey, looking for a date? Fifty for straight or a hundred for half and half. If you wanna go back door, that’ll be extra.

ISTP ask her if there it is extra if you take the back door first then the half and half.

[Dash-Ate]

how does this end...?

[. ._]

Stay tuned...

I was going to make it an epic 4 or 5 part story, but after a bit of thought, I think it will be a 3 part story. I'll be starting the part 3 finale today.

-istp

[2R]

No fears ,the RASH will go away after a few years

[. ._]

The final part of this saga is complete. Part 3 (finale) will be posted at 2300 UTC today after a little bit of editing. Thought I'd let you guys know.

-istp