Dear Abby,
My husband is a sex maniac! He wants to do it everywhere at least 3 times a day. Sometimes its on the freezer, or the kitchen table, even last week we did it on the washer. Just out of nowhere, I dont know what to do, I think he has a real problfdksnbjl ujs;dfj fsjkierudsf;otsrinkjdsa;dfgna;dfkjgnauivlfjhhdtzxhtrdkhgvh;jigvhkgcgjfdsxjtgfkv;ihfvyhcxjtr
Crappy joke of the day
Moderators: sky's the limit, sepia, Sulako, lilfssister, North Shore
Re: Crappy joke of the day
EIGHT EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that
there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths " , I
instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch. The Nurse told me
to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put
it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she
answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steve n Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to
the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that
read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY---
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon
whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?'
She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I
wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that
there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths " , I
instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch. The Nurse told me
to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put
it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she
answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steve n Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to
the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that
read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY---
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon
whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?'
She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I
wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
Re: Crappy joke of the day
Did ya read the Vancouver Sun article last week about the 5 or so beached whales up at Queen Charlotte Island? The locals shipped up some marine biologists from Seattle to do autopsies on these whales. They found that the whales died of Aids and drifted the beach. .........
They figured the whales must have been ramming B.C. Ferries!!!
They figured the whales must have been ramming B.C. Ferries!!!
Re: Crappy joke of the day
'KIWI SENIOR' EYE TEST - do you see any sheep?
- Attachments
-
- Unknown.jpeg (148.86 KiB) Viewed 3214 times
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
-
GilletteNorth
- Rank 7
- Posts: 704
- Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2007 1:09 pm
- Location: throw a dart dead center of Saskatchewan
Re: Crappy joke of the day
My Eyes... they burn! Argh!
Wtf?
Wtf?
Having a standard that pilots lose their licence after making a mistake despite doing no harm to aircraft or passengers means soon you needn't worry about a pilot surplus or pilots offering to fly for free. Where do you get your experience from?
Re: Crappy joke of the day
Sheep? No! I thought they were Nark's prisoners!! 
just kiddn Nark!
just kiddn Nark!
Re: Crappy joke of the day
Actually they are a bunch of rampies who heard there was a Navajo co-joe job avaiable and to apply within.
The average pilot, despite the somewhat swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring.
These feelings just don't involve anyone else.
These feelings just don't involve anyone else.
Re: Crappy joke of the day
For Meecka!
TOOL DEFINITIONS
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ow!!"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the > bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw
TROUBLE LIGHT:
The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE:
A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
TOOL DEFINITIONS
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ow!!"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the > bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw
TROUBLE LIGHT:
The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE:
A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
Re: Crappy joke of the day
NOT PC!
A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop. After
looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of
a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it
anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story."
The fella gave the owner his $12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you
can keep the story."
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster,
but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds,
and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and ran on towards Watson Bay beach, and as he
ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their
MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat
far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and
were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, "Ah,
you 've come back for the story then?"
"No," said the bloke, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim
Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of bikers and a Poof."
A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop. After
looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of
a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it
anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story."
The fella gave the owner his $12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you
can keep the story."
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster,
but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds,
and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and ran on towards Watson Bay beach, and as he
ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their
MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat
far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and
were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, "Ah,
you 've come back for the story then?"
"No," said the bloke, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim
Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of bikers and a Poof."
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
Re: Crappy joke of the day
Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:
1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman really takes her time.
2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go".
4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
7) Airplanes don't care if you fly other airplanes.
Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.
10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines and videos.
13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.
14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good !!
1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman really takes her time.
2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go".
4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
7) Airplanes don't care if you fly other airplanes.
Airplanes don't come with in-laws.9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.
10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines and videos.
13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.
14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good !!
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
Re: Crappy joke of the day
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Marriage: So far so good. 1 year down, 25-life to go.
-
corporate joe
- Rank 8
- Posts: 754
- Joined: Mon May 29, 2006 8:18 am
- Location: the coast
Re: Crappy joke of the day
Golf rules for beginners:
1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2) Form a loose grip.
3) Keep your head down.
4) Avoid a quick back swing.
5) Stay out of the water.
6) Try not to hit anyone.
7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
Don't stand directly in front of others.
9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10) Don't take extra strokes.
Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2) Form a loose grip.
3) Keep your head down.
4) Avoid a quick back swing.
5) Stay out of the water.
6) Try not to hit anyone.
7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
Don't stand directly in front of others.9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10) Don't take extra strokes.
Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
The 3 most important things to remember when you're old:
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
-
floatpiperdriver
- Rank 1
- Posts: 40
- Joined: Tue Jun 20, 2006 1:43 pm
Re: Crappy joke of the day
Three pilots are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks.
The first pilot says, "Those are deer tracks."
The second pilot says, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third pilot says, "You're both wrong! Those are moose tracks."
...The pilots were still arguing when the train hit them.
The first pilot says, "Those are deer tracks."
The second pilot says, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third pilot says, "You're both wrong! Those are moose tracks."
...The pilots were still arguing when the train hit them.
Re: Crappy joke of the day
THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
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niss
- Top Poster
- Posts: 6745
- Joined: Sat Jun 25, 2005 8:54 pm
- Location: I'm a CPL trapped in a PPL's Body.
- Contact:
Re: Crappy joke of the day
What do you call posteman pat once he retires?
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PAT!
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PAT!
She’s built like a Steakhouse, but she handles like a Bistro.
Let's kick the tires, and light the fires.... SHIT! FIRE! EMERGENCY CHECKLIST!
Let's kick the tires, and light the fires.... SHIT! FIRE! EMERGENCY CHECKLIST!
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benoit.baril
- Rank 4
- Posts: 288
- Joined: Thu Nov 09, 2006 8:21 am
- Location: At home in my pajamas
Re: Crappy joke of the day
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by a gay flight attendant who put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, sophisticated woman hadn't moved. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, "Well honey, in my country I'm called a Queen, so . TRAY UP BIZNATCH
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, sophisticated woman hadn't moved. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, "Well honey, in my country I'm called a Queen, so . TRAY UP BIZNATCH
GET TO DA CHOPPA!
Re: Crappy joke of the day
WISDOM FROM THE MILITARY
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S . Army Ordnance
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
Marine Recruit
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For
I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying
club."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The
pilot dies."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
"Never trade luck for skill."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh Shit!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up
there!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything
about it."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just
barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having
torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck
arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What
happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S . Army Ordnance
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
Marine Recruit
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For
I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying
club."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The
pilot dies."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
"Never trade luck for skill."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh Shit!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up
there!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything
about it."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just
barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having
torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck
arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What
happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Take my love
Take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care
I'm still free
You cannot take the sky from me
Take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care
I'm still free
You cannot take the sky from me
Re: Crappy joke of the day
An old one that bears recirculating - groaner
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name
of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been
looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After carefull consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs'
and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO.
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name
of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been
looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After carefull consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs'
and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO.
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
-
Hotel Tango
- Rank 4
- Posts: 241
- Joined: Tue May 31, 2005 11:49 pm
Re: Crappy joke of the day
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
“Magic Beer”, he says.
She thinks he’s a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, “That isn’t really Magic Beer, is it?”
“Yes, I’ll show you.” He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can’t believe it: “I bet you can’t do that again.” He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, “Give her one of what I’m having.” She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”
“Magic Beer”, he says.
She thinks he’s a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, “That isn’t really Magic Beer, is it?”
“Yes, I’ll show you.” He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can’t believe it: “I bet you can’t do that again.” He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, “Give her one of what I’m having.” She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”
Re: Crappy joke of the day
Why do bald men have holes in their trouser pockets?
So they can run their fingers through their hair!
So they can run their fingers through their hair!
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Siddley Hawker
- Rank 11
- Posts: 3353
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:56 pm
- Location: 50.13N 66.17W
Re: Crappy joke of the day
It was Monica Lewinsky's birthday last week, she turned 34. They grow up so fast, don't they? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the Oval Office floor on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.
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BJ Titsengolf
- Rank 0
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2008 6:24 am
Re: Crappy joke of the day
A guy is with his new girlfriend having the best sex he's ever had. After an hour or so he is laying back completely spent while his new beloved lies beside playing with his coconuts. This goes on for more than an hour before the guy pipes up and says " geez, you really seem to enjoy playing with my balls, you've been at it for an hour or more. Is this a fetish of yours?".
She replies " No, I just really miss mine"
She replies " No, I just really miss mine"
Re: Crappy joke of the day
A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*); and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*); and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."
bmc
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GilletteNorth
- Rank 7
- Posts: 704
- Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2007 1:09 pm
- Location: throw a dart dead center of Saskatchewan
Re: Crappy joke of the day
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing..
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Most of us have experienced this, and it's great the way this old guy handled it...
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
There's something wrong with my di*k', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered..
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter..
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Most of us have experienced this, and it's great the way this old guy handled it...
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
There's something wrong with my di*k', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered..
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter..
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
Having a standard that pilots lose their licence after making a mistake despite doing no harm to aircraft or passengers means soon you needn't worry about a pilot surplus or pilots offering to fly for free. Where do you get your experience from?
-
GilletteNorth
- Rank 7
- Posts: 704
- Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2007 1:09 pm
- Location: throw a dart dead center of Saskatchewan
Re: Crappy joke of the day
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month..
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank
whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows :
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier .
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#0. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May
I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month..
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank
whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows :
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier .
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#0. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May
I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Having a standard that pilots lose their licence after making a mistake despite doing no harm to aircraft or passengers means soon you needn't worry about a pilot surplus or pilots offering to fly for free. Where do you get your experience from?
