Long Distance Relationships

[petite]

Long Distance Relationships - any comments or advice?

[GilletteNorth]

, can work... if the love is there.

[Widow]

Totally trust dependant. Absolute honesty required.

Trust will be tested between every goodbye and hello.

It can work, if you both want it enough, and if there is a foreseeable "togetherness".

[Just another canuck]

Everyone I know that's tried, including myself, has failed... doesn't mean it can't work, but the stats on this one aren't really on you side. Good luck anyway.

[B-rad]

Don't do it. People will tell you it can work, there is a better chance there will one day be a black president.

Ok fine, you're right, there is one but I hope you see what I'm getting at 44 presidents and 1 is black that's better odds then you're looking at. Just don't do it. I know you're not going to listen tho. Everyone tries because they believe they will be able to do it. so if you're gonna do it. Balls to the wall!

[SkyWolfe]

Did it before, didn't work out, because the guy was a weirdo.

Tried again, had challenges, married now.

Tada

Wolfie

[SkyWolfe]

Almost forgot the advice part...

Good phone plan, lotsa internet, web cam

[iflyforpie]

Almost forgot the advice part...

Good phone plan, lotsa internet, web cam

(Pulling mind out of gutter)

Never never never again. Was away from my wife for two summers over two years. The first one, I put 20,000 kms on the car over three months because we simply can't be apart for more than two weeks. The second, I burned countless litres of 100LL (special thanks to a gracious boss who practically gave me the aircraft) rather than attempting 16 hours of driving bi-weekly. For us, phone, internet, etc simply doesn't cut it.

This pretty much killed my aspirations for AME contracting, working for Borek, or any other job that takes me away from home.

But that's just me.

[tzu]

Pull the pin on either the "career" or the relationship.

[Invertago]

Started my relationship long distance, married hmmm 7 years now I think?


Oh and like wolfie said, use all the communication tools... internet, chat webcam you name it, leave each other email notes through out the day if you can, leaves you both something to get excited about reading at the end of the day.

[Road Trip]

It's a no win scenario.

In order to be away from each other for long periods and remain faithful you need to be deeply in love. If you’re deeply in love it’s impossible to remain apart from each other.

Something will suffer either your career or the relationship or both.

If you can hold the relationship together then your flying suffers because you’re always taking days off to go home, you’re worried about things at home that you have no control of out in the bush and that makes you tired, irritable and distracts you. You’re spending gobs of money on travel, phone calls etc just to try and keep the flame going.

If can hold the flying together then the relationship suffers because you’re always going to were the work is which is never where your partner is. You need to show dedication and devotion to your work and that makes your partner feel less valued. You’re gone for 6, 9, 12 months at a time and home for one week.

I know of a number of bush operators that won’t hire married pilots or pilots in a serious relationship as they have been burnt way too many times by love struck crew just packing it in and going home because “family is more important.” Yes it is, so why the heck did you come up here and take a job with us and then bail two months later. (the reason in a nut shell. They thought they were different and that they could handle being away.) They are always wrong. There’s always tears involved. Either the pilots are sniveling because their partners left them or the partners are sniveling because the pilots are shacked up with one of the locals.

First sign it’s not going to work is asking a bunch of strangers if they think your relationship can stand the test

[Sulako]

I wrote this a while back, when I was doing the long-distance thing with Lisa. Our circumstances have changed (we are married and live together now), but there are still some relevant bits that might help.

-----------------------------------------

A few years ago, I took a job a few provinces away from my honey at the time, and she said she'd be with me through thick and thin. She lasted almost 3 months before mailing the rest of my stuff to me and saying adios.

However:

One of my best friends while growing up was a guy called .. His mom had moved from Taiwan to Canada to send her kids through school while his dad stayed behind in Taiwan to work, only coming to visit for a few weeks each summer. They both stuck with it. After 12 years, . and his sister graduated, and his mom moved back to Taiwan to be with his dad. That showed me something about dedication and loyalty. I know it can be done.

This morning, I made a run to the local deli for some fresh whole-wheat sesame bread and some fruit salad. We devoured half the loaf while it was still hot, and munched on fresh grapes and cantaloupe slices. A simple, shared pleasure.

We have been together for 9 years now, and for more than half of that, we have been long-distance. My schedule right now is generally Monday - Friday on, with weekends off, and every time I have been able to, I go see Lisa for the weekend, like now. I am lucky in that it no longer takes me all day to see her, but we are still in different area codes.

So how have we made it work? Well, I have a few tips for having a relationship with a a non-pilot girl, and I hope that some of it might be apply to both sexes.

1. We both have internet and webcams. A half-decent webcam is $30, and is worth it's weight in gold. Microsoft Messenger has webcam stuff built into it, so it's a simple matter of plugging it in and hitting a button, and we can see each other in realtime while chatting. It's not the same as a good snuggle, but it beats the hell out of a mere phonecall. If you happen to be dirt-poor, which is sadly very common in aviation, note that both of you don't have to have webcams for it to work, even if only one person can see the other it's still better than a disembodied voice on the phone.

2. Speaking of phonecalls, I talk to her at least 3 times a day. If you have internet, use Skype - it's pretty much free. If you don't have internet, you can buy a phonecard; I used these awesome ones called Ci Ci Ola, they are 4 cents a minute with no connection fee. I call her to touch base even when I'm sitting in Upper Dog Testicle. We talk about important stuff, and we talk about stupid stuff, and we talk about boring stuff. In any relationship, communication is what helps you get through the rough parts. I developed my speaking skills, and I'm not be afraid to be mushy-mushy on the phone. I tell her I love her more than goats love oats amd bunnies love bunnies. Yeah it might seem a little unmanly, but it melts her heart. If I wind up fighting on the phone, I don't let it go overnight without resolving it. Does it really matter that much that she spend an extra few bucks on a pair of shoes or that some slimeball hit on her when she was out for supper with her girlfriends? We don't sweat the small stuff. I reinforce the fact that I love her and we will be together for years and years, just not right now. But each time we wake up, it's another day closer to when we can be with each other again.

3. She sends me internet greeting cards all the time. I love them, and they are totally free to send. A quick Google will reveal a zillion sites out there. It's awesome to open my email and see an animated woodland creature sing a little song to me about how I rock Lisa's socks.

4. We always know when our next visit is. That way it never totally feels like we are stuck treading water, there's always something to look forward to. I'm on a layover through next weekend, but I will be here for a visit in 2 weeks, and the weekend after that looks pretty good too.

5. We are both independent. We are together because we want to be, not because we need someone in our lives. When we lived in the same place, we still had our own interests and a few friends apart from each other. If you fly for a living, you'll understand why this is necessary. If you are still looking for that first job, then be aware that you are going to be away from your loved ones for extended periods of time even if you live with them. If you are constantly worried about what your significant other is up to, it's not gonna work out. That's really the single most important thing to have; without trust, you might as well not even bother.

6. We both know why I'm here and she's there. I'm here so I can make some decent money and continue building my worldwide empire, and she's there so she can attend The University of Her Choice. I help to support her while she's in TUOHC, and she understands the importance of having income. I could quit my job and move back to where she is, sure. We'd be together, but I wouldn't be doing what I love, and neither of us would be able to afford to eat every day. She could quit University to come here, but that's not practical as she is in her 4th year, and we both know it's important for her to have some specialized education for when she enters the skilled labour pool. After all, she's gotta support me in my old age

Now here's the kick in the ass:

Unfortunately, the ultimate decision to stay together through long-distance has nothing to do with what I just written; basically it depends on the two of you and the relationship you have.

If your partner is going to bail on you after a few months, they are going to bail on you no matter what you do. If they are going to stay with you, just try to remind them why they chose you in the first place. Send letters, phone messages, emails, maybe the occasional small gift just because you love them. Think about the amount of money you would spend on them if they were with you, and try to spend at least a portion of that on them even when you're far away. It's not really the money that counts, but it will force you to be creative and keep your bonds strong.

"Aww, that's sooo cute. He was thinking of me" That's what I wanna go for.

Not everyone can handle the lifestyle. But if it's what you love, you have to be true to your soul and follow your dream of being a pilot. Damn that sounds like TV-movie dialogue, but it's true. If they really love you, they'll be proud to be with such a dedicated, ambitious person.

[Changes in Latitudes]

In my experience, Sulako has it 100% bang on. I have been with my girl for 6 years now, and for much of the time I have been living in another place. But we both wanted to be in the relationship and knew there was something there worth working through the distance for. We are now getting married and own a house together. I now work a 2 week on, 2 week off rotation which she supports wholeheartedly much due to the trust we both earned in our previous distance apart. It can be done, but you have to be willing to give at both ends and you must have something worth working for.

To those that said it couldn't be done... Recall the early 1940's, some guys with long-term relationships went off to war for 4 YEARS only to come home at the end of it all and continue their lives together; my grandfather being an example. They worked through a WAR together and somehow made it work. There's no excuse why two people couldn't make a distance relationship work if they truly want it to. It's pretty straight forward and an easy question to answer; you both have to want it.

[kevinsky18]

Actually a little known fact, the divorce rate in the 1940 just after the war was as high as it is today. Check the stats if you doubt me. I studied this in University a few years ago.

There were alot of people rushing to get married before they left for war only to realise when they got home that they had nothing in common or the experience away had changed them dramatically or the wife at home couldn't handle the loneliness and strayed or the soldier couldn't handle the lonliness and brought home some sort of STD. And all this was at a time when divorce was a very bad thing.

In short I think time away at war leans to proving that relationships generally suffer when two people are apart.

[petite]

Let me answer some of the questions that have been made.

I posted this query more out of morbid curiousity of the peanut gallery would say than for actual guidance. The aviation industry is made up of a mobile workforce and would have higher than average number of LDRs. There has been some beautiful posts and advice posted though and I thank those for their contribution. Your words may guide someone who is searching for answers.

I am NOT a pilot. I was an apprentice and decided recently to leave the industry to go into the Health field. the decision to leave the industry was my own and was made before we started dating. He is in the military. That's where we met.

I am an adventurous individual and have done long distance in the past. Long distance was never the issue for the break-up. Unfortunately, drugs were the reason.

The recurring theme of constant communication is key. Find what works for you. Text messaging is my weapon of choice. Easily accessible from the phone and we are both busy so messages can sit there or we chat away. Web cams will be forever tainted to me because I lived with a web cam whore once upon a time. Trust me, you never want to be told to stay out of the living room for a certain time because she'll be on display.

We will be apart for either the next eighteen months or three years (with the exception of summers) depending on which course of action I decide to take with my training.

Sulako - you are too cute.

Widow and Wolfie - smooches. May I enjoy your company again one day.

[Doc]

Long distance romances only work in "Chick Lit", and the movies. In real life, it is indeed a rare thing when two people can continue a relationship over the phone, and Live Messenger. Not saying it can't be done, but I'd keep my eyes, and options open. If it's a long term goal to remain together, pick a location, move there, and stay there. If "he" is working on a ramp in YPL, and "she" is working as a nurse in YYC, it just ain't going to work out.

[Hedley]

From another grumpy old guy:

"Long Distance Relationship" is an oxymoron.

[petite]

Hedley, you find time to love boobs, so you cannot be that grumpy. BOOBS

[bmc]

I did a long distance relationship for three years. Sine we saw each other every 2nd or 3rd weekend, we subconsciously made it "perfect" every time we got together. Never argued because we had such little time together. The distances became physically greater as university took her out west from YUL and my work took me further north. Long before internet and skype.

However....we did reconnect three years after breaking up. We celebrate our 22nd wedding anniversary in June.

It's not easy. But if you connect that deeply with someone and you know it, you do the best to make it work.

[xsbank]

Skype is terrific. Also Yak. Text messages.

It can, and does, work.

ps Petite, nice to hear from you again - you need to change your class of acquaintances! Get to shoot at anyone yet?

[Hedley]

Here's one for you:

Guy goes off to University and his high school
sweetheart goes off in a different direction, but
they swear that their love is eternal. Letters
are sent regularly (before internet).

But they're young, and one thing leads to another,
and the guy gets himself another girlfriend. Word
of this leaks back to his high school sweetheart,
and a tearful phone conversation follows.

"What has she got that I don't have?!", cried the
heartbroken girl over the phone.

"Nothing", the guy replied, "But she has it here".