Must be getting near the end of the season

[Over the Horn]

One of my favorites is to pull the aircraft manual out and ask them to look up how to land

or the old classic your inflight movie is a nature flick please look to either your left or right to view

[Boss Hawg]

Hey Philly you need to get one of those signs like bus drivers have. "Do not talk to driver while vehicle is in motion." Then you can just tap the sign when somebody asks you something (like on that Simpsons episode where Lisa takes the bus and gets lost).

[flyinphil]

My Jepp binder had "How to Fly" embossed on it. I kept it in plain view between the seat and console of the aircraft I flew. I think it stopped a lot of people asking questions.

[Idriveplane]

I get alot of "can you fly this thing" (dhc-2). I guess being 23 and not aging too badly does that. I just tell them I read the manual last night, we should be alrite. They either laugh or stare at me

[young grasshopper]

Taxiing out on floats a few years ago in the Twin Otter some yanks asked me what the in-flight movie was and I gave my standard lame answer - "Alive". I put my headset back on and my captain (Who was a real crusty guy but who had a good sense of humour) says "Jeff, next time someone asks you that..." (I knew he was going to say (A) You should be more polite, or (B) Don't say anything at all if it wasn't going to be customer friendly). But - he says (quite seriously) "Tell them its a porno called 'Me f*cking your momma'...that'll teach 'em for asking such dumb questions". I laughed the rest of the day and still do when someone asks what the inflight movie is gonna be!!

[West Coast Swell]

1938 .... she's a good old bird. Used to do sub patrol in the pacific searhing for jap subs. sorry ... I'm all out of ear plugs.

I made $25 bucks in tips this years. call me daddy big bucks.

[zero]

Yep, I got a 5 buck tip today alone...whoopee.

[ScudRunner]

Our Emergency Checklists are a big Red binded book, If im bored I push the Fire Detection Lamp Test, or just dissengage the Auto Pilot so the Master Caution BINGS and comes on. Then Slowly hand the FO the Checklist Red side facing the passegers with the Words EMERGENCY CHECKLIST starring them in the face. Im a cruel bastard I know.

[tcraft]

Yup Iv`e had enough, ready for a break and next season. run out of smart comebacks.

[Edo]

loading a group of hunters. Did my bag get on?

If it was in the pile its in the back.

Well I dont see mine in there, it's the cammo one.

Sir- evertying here, including you is in fucking cammo, if it was in the pile its in the back please sit close to the front we need the weight forward.

[tiny]

After experiancing turbulance.... "Could you go around those bumps?"

[Rowdy]

Hey Mr. North.. how bout

"hows come you guys isn't flying today?"

"How many moose can you fly?"

[hotel hobo]

How much does that mountain weigh?

blond

[Northern Skies]

Ever had them start swinging at bugs on the Beaver windshield and catch there sleeve on the mixture 100 feet over the trees.
Damn tourists.

(Time to resurrect this thread...)

I have a new strategy for the bug-smashers this year. I keep a can of pledge up front and start cleaning it right after he moves his hand away. The real idiots will get 2 or 3 bugs before they get a clue, but their friends in the back will razz them 'til they're red in the face.

[happy pax]

We once had a passenger, who upon looking up and seeing the zipper on the headliner of our C206 asked "what is it like to fly with the top down?"!!!!!

[revaeb]

because I'm getting real tired of answering the same questions over and over.

How's the fishing?
What's the weather supposed to be?
Are you old enough to fly? (i'm 30 but I guess I look like I'm 12?)
What are the water levels?
What do you do in winter?
Is $100 enough for a tip? (actually I've never been asked that)
Any retarded reference (in a beaver) to where is the stewardess, what's the in flight movie, when are we serving peanuts etc. Do these people really think we've never heard these lame jokes before?
Do you want to fly commercially some day?

Anybody else ever had a front seat passenger stare at you, like full on not take their eyes off you, for the entire flight?

And what's up with these guys who pack everything in big hard sided rubbermaid totes and action packers then hand you their bread in a plastic grocery bag and say here, don't squish this. It'd almost be funny except that it happens ALL THE TIME!

Rant over. I feel better. Anybody need a cargo pilot for the winter?

What does everybody else get asked over and over?

[Liquid Charlie]

Had a dude demand and I mean demand I turn the heat off in my norseman - so I did - he then asked with a very high pitched voice I turn it back on -- it had been a very long day --

[TeePeeCreeper]

Ah yes, the old:

''say boi, what's the in-flight movie''?

''You can call me alot of stuff, but ''boi'' ain't one of them. As for the movie sit back relax as you watch (insert destination your flying into) worse air disasters.

Usually shuts them up real quick

[bornagain1340]

I was warming up the old otter one afternoon on the Manitoba/Nunavut border when the guy next to me started in with all the questions that have already been mentioned and finished up with this:
Overweight passenger covered in Cabela's camo: So do you live up here?
Me, the increasingly agitated pilot: Up here while I'm workin', but originally from Toronto (still making the effort to be polite as I hadn't lived in TO for years, but didn't feel like explaining the transient lifestyle of your average bush pilot)
Overweight passenger covered in Cabela's camo: ...............so are you headed back to Toronto tonight when you're done then?
Me: Yes, I bring the otter there for gas. But I'll be back tomorrow.

Got a toonie for a tip once after a scenic flight.
I also avoid handing out headsets...no good can come from that.

[paydaymayday]

Doesn't happen so much anymore, (still now and then), but I get the polite way of saying "OH GOD HAVE YOUR BALLS DROPPED YET?", as follows:

"So, uhhh... how long... uhh have you been flying for?"

I guess I'm lucky I can say "since I was 14!".

I just bought a copy of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Flying and Gliding", and I'm going to be keeping it on the centre pedestal.

[Rowdy]

"Its too hot back here, does this thing have AC?"

"no.. but you see those big fans outside? we'll turn em on for ya in a second"

[Janszoon]

Flying over Northern Ontario, had the following conversation:

Pax: "So, where's the end of all this?"
Me: "The end? The end of what?"
Pax: "The forest"
Me: "Uh... there is no end, it's a pretty big forest"
Pax: "Well it can't go on forever, something's gotta be at the end, like a fence"
Me: "Nope, there's no fence. We could fly for hours and we'd still be over the forest"
Pax: "But don't you have parks up here? There can't just be forest"
Me: "Well, this is part of the Boreal forest that covers most of Canada. It's not a park it's just land that's not developed"
Pax: "Okay, I'll believe you"

[just curious]

Back in the day, were we down at the dock. Busy season. Crazy season. We were paid mileage, but even then it was getting to the point where we were getting fried.

Finally, we get down to the dock, and the weather's out. Fog. Lots of it. It's not the 'load the airplane and wait a bit' kind. Naturally the turkeys want to get out to the lodge, yesterday. We have a few minutes of "Why aren't you flying?", and "Back in my day we didn't let a little fog stand in our way", but then the whining starts hard and heavy. Some bonehead finally starts in with the "Don't you kids know who I am?"...
So I call over to the Lakeview, and let Old Dad know that the Nordyne load of Turkeys for Sabourin Lake are getting whiny. He's having breakfast. Probably first one since before break-up. He's not happy, but...

About fifteen minutes later a truck slides into the lot, in a four wheel drift. Gravel everywhere. Turkeys squeaking and squarking and running. Old Dad steps out. Plaid Shirt, striped pants, lime green hat. Black glasses. White Cane... and a dog.

Weather's up to about three hundred feet. Not good, but it's NW Ontario, if you know what I mean. Old Dad taps his way down the dock slapping floats with the cane until he gets to the Nordyne. He lifts his head and swings around, then yells, "Okay, so who the hell is going to Sabourin?"

Five kinda nervous fat guys shuffle around, like 13 year olds at a dance. Dad yells again. He's mad about breakfast. And the Turkeys made him miss it. They start waddling down the dock, and the dock rat rolls the cart full of Cabelo's to the airplane.

"Well, Don't just stand there, get in" he yells. "NO, Don't sit up there, that's for my dog!" The Turkey shifts outta the co-pilot seat, and Al hoists the dog up. Forty blades, and a small cloud of blue smoke, and the Norseman is alive. He turns to the turkeys and says "Tell me when we're headed west!" Finally they are, and they tell him, and awy he goes, out over MacKenzie Island. "Tell me when we're up for 40 minutes" he says. Times up, and he lands. He shuts down on the water, and a boat comes out for the Turkeys, and their half million pounds of Cabelo's. As they get into the boat, Al and the dog leans over, and yells...

"What, no tip?"

[LousyFisherman]

One from the other side

A number of years ago, flying from Vancouver waterdrome to Knights Inlet, in a Beaver I think.

Baggage limit was 65 pounds, my buddy had two 40 pounders of rye and I had 48 Mountain size (King size to you easterners) Kokanee at a pound apiece. The pilot was watching the weigh-in and when I started removing beers he said;

Him: "There's a liquor store up there"
Me: I heard it was 3 miles across the inlet"
Him: That's right it's very close"
Me: Okay, thanks"

I sat by the weigh scale and for every passenger whose baggage was under weight I added beer. All were Americans all of whom said " I was told there is a liquor store up there" I always replied "Yes across the inlet". Needless to say I was perceived as an idiot.

We take off, get up there and there is quite the swell and chop. Pilot puts it down (didn't realize at that time how good he was) and we unload. Weather has deteriorated to the point that the pilot won't even try to take off.

Of course the camp operator will not allow any of his clients to take his 14 foot boats across the inlet in those conditions so that afternoon we partied on my partner's 40 pounders and my 46 (all I could get on) beer. I went from idiot to hero in less than 5 minutes

The weather did not moderate so the pilot and the previous group were stuck there over night. After dinner (fresh crab and shrimp mmmm) I offered the pilot a beer, which was gratefully accepted and all I had to say was

"Close is only halfway, and halfway is nowhere important"

Remember, not ALL your clients are idiots

[Meatservo]

I've standardised my answers to get it over with quickly.


q: What's the inflight meal?
a: "Fingernails."

q: What's the inflight movie?
a: "The geomorphology of northern Canada."

q: How long have you been flying?
a: (fake scottish accent):"Since ye were at year muther's teat."

q: Are we going to make it?
a: "Or die trying, sir."

q: Is one of these things harder to land than a commercial plane?
a: "It's all done by computers, sir."

q: Where's the stewardess?
a: "It's you today, sir."

Any other dumb jokes I usually point at my copilot and tell them to go talk to the boss.