Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our " Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
Christmas Jokes
Moderators: sky's the limit, sepia, Sulako, lilfssister, North Shore
-
BibleMonkey
- Rank 8
- Posts: 903
- Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2008 1:23 am
Re: Christmas Jokes
Heh..heh..the politically correct Christmas..^
Reality catches up to our hyperbole sometimes..
" School bans boy who drew a crucifix
By The Associated Press
TAUNTON, Mass. (AP) — A Massachusetts man says his 8-year-old son was sent home from school and ordered to undergo a psychological evaluation after drawing a stick figure Jesus on a cross because the teacher thought it was too violent.
The man told the Taunton Daily Gazette for a story Tuesday his second-grader made the drawing Dec. 2 after his teacher asked children to sketch something that reminded them of Christmas.
The father, Chester Johnson, said on WBZ-TV that the teacher became upset when his son said he drew himself on the cross. Johnson says school officials overreacted.
The boy was cleared to return to school after the evaluation.
Superintendent Julie Hackett said she could not discuss an individual student and the school followed protocol.
Hackett didn’t return calls from The Associated Press on Tuesday. "
Reality catches up to our hyperbole sometimes..
" School bans boy who drew a crucifix
By The Associated Press
TAUNTON, Mass. (AP) — A Massachusetts man says his 8-year-old son was sent home from school and ordered to undergo a psychological evaluation after drawing a stick figure Jesus on a cross because the teacher thought it was too violent.
The man told the Taunton Daily Gazette for a story Tuesday his second-grader made the drawing Dec. 2 after his teacher asked children to sketch something that reminded them of Christmas.
The father, Chester Johnson, said on WBZ-TV that the teacher became upset when his son said he drew himself on the cross. Johnson says school officials overreacted.
The boy was cleared to return to school after the evaluation.
Superintendent Julie Hackett said she could not discuss an individual student and the school followed protocol.
Hackett didn’t return calls from The Associated Press on Tuesday. "
-
iflyforpie
- Top Poster
- Posts: 8132
- Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2008 12:25 pm
- Location: Winterfell...
Re: Christmas Jokes
Yeah. That's Easter, not Christmas...BibleMonkey wrote:Heh..heh..the politically correct Christmas..^
Reality catches up to our hyperbole sometimes..
" School bans boy who drew a crucifix
By The Associated Press
TAUNTON, Mass. (AP) — A Massachusetts man says his 8-year-old son was sent home from school and ordered to undergo a psychological evaluation after drawing a stick figure Jesus on a cross because the teacher thought it was too violent.
The man told the Taunton Daily Gazette for a story Tuesday his second-grader made the drawing Dec. 2 after his teacher asked children to sketch something that reminded them of Christmas.
The father, Chester Johnson, said on WBZ-TV that the teacher became upset when his son said he drew himself on the cross. Johnson says school officials overreacted.
The boy was cleared to return to school after the evaluation.
Superintendent Julie Hackett said she could not discuss an individual student and the school followed protocol.
Hackett didn’t return calls from The Associated Press on Tuesday. "
Geez did I say that....? Or just think it....?
Awesome!
Re: Christmas Jokes
Got this from a friend:
Santa Clause does a PPC with TC
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from Transport Canada, and the TC examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test...
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
Santa Clause does a PPC with TC
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from Transport Canada, and the TC examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test...
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
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Siddley Hawker
- Rank 11
- Posts: 3353
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:56 pm
- Location: 50.13N 66.17W
Re: Christmas Jokes
Stolen from another board, but it's ok. The guy who posted it stole the picture I put up. 
Twas the night before Christmas, and Geez it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I'm in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "
The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I should not mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and farted instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
Twas the night before Christmas, and Geez it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I'm in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "
The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I should not mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and farted instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
Tequila Christmas Cake
Tequila Christmas Cake
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This recipeneverflops …
Tequila Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... just in case. Turn off the mixer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and . in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the lequita to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This recipeneverflops …
Tequila Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... just in case. Turn off the mixer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and . in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the lequita to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
-
niss
- Top Poster
- Posts: 6745
- Joined: Sat Jun 25, 2005 8:54 pm
- Location: I'm a CPL trapped in a PPL's Body.
- Contact:
Re: Christmas Jokes
A bit of an inside joke, this was a version of the night before Christmas that I wrote for a Christmas party we had among friends a few years ago.
Twas the night before our Christmas party and out on the street, Niss was looking for a gingerbread house kit oh so sweet.
He went to the Sobeys and thought to himself, "hmmm..... Shayne doesn't have a Christmas tree, I'll get one off the shelf." But to his dismay they were out of stock, and upon his face came a great look of shock.
"Oh @#$! me!" He proclaimed with his hands at his side." He needs a tree, a place for presents to reside." So he jumped into his van and pealed out of the lot, his mind was clouded by one noble thought. Not wanting to have canceled this party to be, he ventured around town to steal a tree. He searched forest to forest with out any luck, he yelled out a gigantic "WHAT THE @#$!!"
"I hate this fucking holiday and I am freezing off my boys, so that fat shit has a place to put all of his toys." Just then his lights shone upon a sad charlie brown looking tree, he said to himself "Ah what the hell, its all ready twelve thirty." So he jumped out of his van and into the ditch, got a huge soaker and screamed "SON OF A BITCH!".
He pulled out his trusty swiss army knife, and set out to end this crappy looking trees crappy little life. He cut it down and threw it into the back when he slapped himself and thought "I Forgot to call Jacks!".
After telling her he was safe, and at home he jumped into his car and again began to roam.
At Shayne's house Dean heard such a clatter, so he stuck his head out to see what the @#$! was the matter. "Fine, Ill get Shayne, you fat stupid shit!". Just then Shayne came up to see why Niss wouldn't quit!
When the trunk was opened for the tree to be exposed, Shayne laughed so hard he thought he would explode. Damn near pissed himself right there and then, said: "Niss man, you are a true friend. Who else would cause such a ruckas at one in the morn, stealing a tree before a winter storm?" They decorated the tree long into the night, ignoring that he had to work so he could make Christmas right.
So as we sit around this tree all shiny and great, you fuckers all better appreciate.
Appreciate the blood, the sweat and the tears, appreciate the fact that he did it with out any beers. Appreciate how hard he had to fight, so he could say Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
Twas the night before our Christmas party and out on the street, Niss was looking for a gingerbread house kit oh so sweet.
He went to the Sobeys and thought to himself, "hmmm..... Shayne doesn't have a Christmas tree, I'll get one off the shelf." But to his dismay they were out of stock, and upon his face came a great look of shock.
"Oh @#$! me!" He proclaimed with his hands at his side." He needs a tree, a place for presents to reside." So he jumped into his van and pealed out of the lot, his mind was clouded by one noble thought. Not wanting to have canceled this party to be, he ventured around town to steal a tree. He searched forest to forest with out any luck, he yelled out a gigantic "WHAT THE @#$!!"
"I hate this fucking holiday and I am freezing off my boys, so that fat shit has a place to put all of his toys." Just then his lights shone upon a sad charlie brown looking tree, he said to himself "Ah what the hell, its all ready twelve thirty." So he jumped out of his van and into the ditch, got a huge soaker and screamed "SON OF A BITCH!".
He pulled out his trusty swiss army knife, and set out to end this crappy looking trees crappy little life. He cut it down and threw it into the back when he slapped himself and thought "I Forgot to call Jacks!".
After telling her he was safe, and at home he jumped into his car and again began to roam.
At Shayne's house Dean heard such a clatter, so he stuck his head out to see what the @#$! was the matter. "Fine, Ill get Shayne, you fat stupid shit!". Just then Shayne came up to see why Niss wouldn't quit!
When the trunk was opened for the tree to be exposed, Shayne laughed so hard he thought he would explode. Damn near pissed himself right there and then, said: "Niss man, you are a true friend. Who else would cause such a ruckas at one in the morn, stealing a tree before a winter storm?" They decorated the tree long into the night, ignoring that he had to work so he could make Christmas right.
So as we sit around this tree all shiny and great, you fuckers all better appreciate.
Appreciate the blood, the sweat and the tears, appreciate the fact that he did it with out any beers. Appreciate how hard he had to fight, so he could say Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
She’s built like a Steakhouse, but she handles like a Bistro.
Let's kick the tires, and light the fires.... SHIT! FIRE! EMERGENCY CHECKLIST!
Let's kick the tires, and light the fires.... SHIT! FIRE! EMERGENCY CHECKLIST!
Re: Christmas Jokes
Why do women love Santa ?
He may only come once a year ,but when he does he fills they stockings
He may only come once a year ,but when he does he fills they stockings
-
GilletteNorth
- Rank 7
- Posts: 704
- Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2007 1:09 pm
- Location: throw a dart dead center of Saskatchewan
Re: Christmas Jokes
'Twas the Night - by Phyllis Moses
T'was the night before Christmas, and out on the ramp,
Not an airplane was stirring, not even a Champ.
The aircraft were fastened to tiedowns with care,
In hopes that come morning, they all would be there.
The fuel trucks were nestled, all snug in their spots,
While peak gusts from two-zero reached 39 knots.
And I at the fuel desk, now finally caught up,
Had just settled comfortably down on my butt.
When over the radio, there arose such a clatter,
I turned up the scanner to see what was the matter.
A voice clearly heard over static and snow,
Asked for clearance to land at the airport below.
He barked out his transmission so lively and quick,
I could have sworn the call sign he used was "St.Nick."
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Sure that it was only Horizon's late Dash.
Then he called his position, and there could be no denial,
"This is St. Nicholas One," and "I'm turning on final."
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
A Rutan Sleigh and eight Rotax reindeer.
He flew the approach, on glideslopes he came,
As he passed all fixes, he called them by name:
Now Rengo! Now Tolga! Now Trini and Bacun!
On Comet! On Cupid!" What pills was he takin'?
Those last couple of fixes left controllers confused,
They called down to the office to give me the news,
The message they left was both urgent and dour:
"When Santa lands, could he please call the tower?"
He landed like silk, with the sled runners sparkling,
Then I heard "Exit at Charlie," and "Taxi to parking."
So up to the offices the coursers they flew,
With loud airplane noise, and St. Nicholas, too.
He stepped out of the sleigh, but before he could talk,
I had run out to him with my best set of chocks.
He was dressed all in fur, which was covered with frost,
And his beard was all blackened from reindeer exhaust.
His breath smelled like peppermint, gone slightly stale,
And he smoked on a pipe, but he didn't inhale.
He had a broad face and his armpits were smelly,
And his boots were as black as a cropduster's belly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old fool,
And he kindly informed me that he needed some fuel.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his toes,
Led me to know he was desperate to powder his nose.
I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And I filled up the sleigh, but I spilled like a jerk.
He came out of the restroom with a sigh of relief,
And then picked up the phone for a flight service brief.
And I thought, as he silently scribed in his log,
That with Rudolph, he could land in eighth-mile and fog.
Next, he completed his preflight, from the front to the rear,
Then he put on his headset, and I heard him yell "Clear!"
And laying a finger on his push-talk,
He called up the tower for his clearance and squawk.
Straight out two-zero," the tower called forth,
"And watch for a Cessna straight in from the North."
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he climbed in the night,
"Merry Christmas to all, I have traffic in sight."
T'was the night before Christmas, and out on the ramp,
Not an airplane was stirring, not even a Champ.
The aircraft were fastened to tiedowns with care,
In hopes that come morning, they all would be there.
The fuel trucks were nestled, all snug in their spots,
While peak gusts from two-zero reached 39 knots.
And I at the fuel desk, now finally caught up,
Had just settled comfortably down on my butt.
When over the radio, there arose such a clatter,
I turned up the scanner to see what was the matter.
A voice clearly heard over static and snow,
Asked for clearance to land at the airport below.
He barked out his transmission so lively and quick,
I could have sworn the call sign he used was "St.Nick."
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Sure that it was only Horizon's late Dash.
Then he called his position, and there could be no denial,
"This is St. Nicholas One," and "I'm turning on final."
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
A Rutan Sleigh and eight Rotax reindeer.
He flew the approach, on glideslopes he came,
As he passed all fixes, he called them by name:
Now Rengo! Now Tolga! Now Trini and Bacun!
On Comet! On Cupid!" What pills was he takin'?
Those last couple of fixes left controllers confused,
They called down to the office to give me the news,
The message they left was both urgent and dour:
"When Santa lands, could he please call the tower?"
He landed like silk, with the sled runners sparkling,
Then I heard "Exit at Charlie," and "Taxi to parking."
So up to the offices the coursers they flew,
With loud airplane noise, and St. Nicholas, too.
He stepped out of the sleigh, but before he could talk,
I had run out to him with my best set of chocks.
He was dressed all in fur, which was covered with frost,
And his beard was all blackened from reindeer exhaust.
His breath smelled like peppermint, gone slightly stale,
And he smoked on a pipe, but he didn't inhale.
He had a broad face and his armpits were smelly,
And his boots were as black as a cropduster's belly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old fool,
And he kindly informed me that he needed some fuel.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his toes,
Led me to know he was desperate to powder his nose.
I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And I filled up the sleigh, but I spilled like a jerk.
He came out of the restroom with a sigh of relief,
And then picked up the phone for a flight service brief.
And I thought, as he silently scribed in his log,
That with Rudolph, he could land in eighth-mile and fog.
Next, he completed his preflight, from the front to the rear,
Then he put on his headset, and I heard him yell "Clear!"
And laying a finger on his push-talk,
He called up the tower for his clearance and squawk.
Straight out two-zero," the tower called forth,
"And watch for a Cessna straight in from the North."
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he climbed in the night,
"Merry Christmas to all, I have traffic in sight."
Having a standard that pilots lose their licence after making a mistake despite doing no harm to aircraft or passengers means soon you needn't worry about a pilot surplus or pilots offering to fly for free. Where do you get your experience from?
Re: Christmas Jokes
What's one difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?
Santa only has three Ho's.
Santa only has three Ho's.
