The other half

[floats4fun]

Serious posters only, because I want opinions on who have been there...

We all know that in order to get somewhere with flying you must be willing to move to gain experience. I am sure not everyone on here is some pimply face kid single kid, put through flight training, and sent on his way...

What about you guys/gals who have a supportive better half? How did you manage moving for work as a couple? Were there times where it wasnt feasable or reasonable for you to move as a couple, and were separated because of flying (ie. live in the city, other half has a great job, hard to give up for $$...and you go to get experience)?

The reason I ask is because I was raised around traditional/conventional standards. When I explain to them, or my better halfs family that this is what I chose, we are supportive of eachother...and sacrifices have to be made...they stare at me like I just did a line of crack.

Not all pilots can be single or divorced So please share how you managed, and your experiences to dealing with those ups and downs of the lifestyle.

[North Shore]

Well, I 'live' in Manitoba for the better part of 5 months every year, while my wife and sons live out on the coast. My work here supports our life there, so there's not really much discussion. Moving here really isn't in the cards for either of us, and trying to get a job out on the coast leaves me either taking a ~50% pay cut due to seniority issues, or stuck doing boring flying. SKYPE is a great help, as is the 12 days off that I take in the middle of the season. Honourable mentions to VISA and the Oak Bay Flower Shop

Does that help?

[challydriver]

You've asked a great question.

My wife and I met in 1997 when we were both with living in Vancouver working for the same company. I was a pilot and she was in Marketing. All the moves we made have been for my career and she's always found a job after I get established (until she went off on long term disability in 2004). We started moving for my career after we got married (in 1998). Our first move was to Montreal, Quebec (we both agreed to it) in 2000, then we moved to Hartford, Connecticut (she agreed to it) in 2005 and then we moved back to Montreal (she wasn't too happy about that one) in 2008. I commuted from Hartford for one year while we tried to sell our house (that sucked).

Make no bones about it, she did those moves for my career (not hers) but in the long term she saw the benefits from it. Basically better wages, benefits & schedule for us.

There are some "rules" she has when it come to where we/I can live & work (mainly countries) and what it would take to get us to move (wages, working conditions, corporate moves, etc.) again. I don't really get to do much "iron chasing" unless we both agree it's worth it (again, wages, working conditions, corporate moves, etc.). Remember, she's not the one flying the flashy new jet or staying in the Marriott.

We've had some nasty fights about my career but at the end of the day it's always come down to "where is this going to put us down the road?"

It would appear that for now, we've done ok...

I would say that the big thing that makes her a great aviation wife is she's very smart and independent. She left home when she was 17 and doesn't have close ties to family (IE: she won't die if she's not close to home). It doesn't mean she doesn't love her family, she's just not tied to them. She is way more than my equal (I'm not even close to being the smart one in the family) and I have nothing but respect for her in how she manages our home.

I know we can't really pick who we fall in love with, but if you can, marry someone who is not "goo goo" eyed about you being in aviation. Marry someone who can look after themselves when you are gone on those long trips (or worse yet commuting). Don't get me wrong, she doesn't hate that I'm a pilot, she's just not caught up in it (which is fine by me).

Oh, and as North Shore said, SKYPE is great for those long trips; it changed our World completely.

I hope you're as lucky as I am.

By the way, in addition to family I've had many friends who don't travel with work/non-aviation types who look at me with that same "line-of-crack" stare. Get used to it and laugh cause they will never get it. I've only wanted to be a pilot since I can remember but they say "You must really hate being away from home."

Quite frankly, it drives me f-cking nuts...

[iflyforpie]

My wife wanted me to pursue my dream of being a pilot so I wouldn't come home everyday hating my job. But she also wants me around. So I am still gainfully employed at a small charter service getting buck seventy two time when former colleagues of mine are at Borek, CMA, NT and the like and some former instructors are at WJ already.

But it is pretty hard to justify a pay cut, another move, and a terrible schedule to a wife and kids; all so I can eventually wind up making not much more than I am now, still have to be away, and do 'cool' flying.

After the bug of flying wore off a bit, I realized that I don't just want to fly, but I want a life too. Kids sports and activities, barbecues, vacations, friends, and dates all mean a lot more to me than flinging a piece of metal through the sky. I sure wouldn't want the breakup of my family and the alienation of my kids to be caused by something as trivial as flying.



Everybody is different. For some couples it is probably good marriage therapy to be apart. Not me though. The only time we've been apart was waiting for houses to sell moving to other towns and each time was far too long.

I may do boring flying, but I think I've managed to score the best of both worlds..

[RB211]

This is certainly one of the downsides to this career choice: the difficulty of pursuing one's career in the location one most wishes to live.

Having a supportive spouse is an absolute necessity. Although I have tried not to move just to get a step up that would come to me with a little patience, I have had my share of career related moves.

My wife came to Canada from the UK on her own before we met, so she was already away from home. I had already embarked on this career path when we met so she was somewhat aware of what she was in for. She also has work that is in demand pretty much where ever we end up and that helps.

The idea that sacrifices have to made must be a two way street. We now live half way around the world and we are only here because the final decision was with my wife: if she had said "no way!" we wouldn't be here. For me it is not a solo decision because at the end of the day, when I am a little old retired pilot (hopefully!), it will be my family that is around, not the last airplane or airline I flew/worked for.

It has been 20+ years of this adventure for us and all in all it has been a good ride. I certainly can't say it has been boring! I wouldn't have nearly the same memories (good and bad) if I had been on my own and that I wouldn't trade for anything!

Appreciate the support from your `better half`and provide them with the support they need when they need it because they are more important than the career.

[Flybabe]

...After the bug of flying wore off a bit, I realized that I don't just want to fly, but I want a life too. Kids sports and activities, barbecues, vacations, friends, and dates all mean a lot more to me than flinging a piece of metal through the sky. I sure wouldn't want the breakup of my family and the alienation of my kids to be caused by something as trivial as flying.

Everybody is different. For some couples it is probably good marriage therapy to be apart. Not me though. The only time we've been apart was waiting for houses to sell moving to other towns and each time was far too long...

I agree with this, totally. When I was single, it was nothing to move. Now that I'm married, I want a life. I enjoy what I do currently, but because of the "life" thing (and yes, that includes spending time with the other half more than 1/2 the year), I'm changing jobs. We'll be apart briefly, but he'll join me as soon as he can.

Everyone IS different.

[slowstream]

Sorry, I am going to assume you are younger (no offence meant), I mean under thirty. The job is like many now a days, it and family are what you make of it and sometime outside influences can throw your best laid plans for a loop every now and then.

As a couple you decide whats important together, be prepared it might change and likely will, but thats life! The problem is that the pilot type becomes singularly and blindly focused on their career for too long and it makes them deaf and dumb to their spouses.

You can have both, a good marriage and even a family, but it takes work and a lot of sacrifice on both sides, maybe our society has become too self-centred or selfish to do this period; to keep their marriage regardless of career? I'm not sure on that one yet. I do know it certainly does require a very supportive and understanding spouse though.

Some spouses will want to stay put in one city, especially when kids are there, and thats okay and normal, it can be done, it just slows down career progression a bit, or means you have to commute, after all most cities there are only so many places to work at or develop ones career.

This certainly can be done, you have to decide that you want both and work at it!

I have had both now for a long time, a good career for over 15 years and now at a company where I can stay until retirement with a good package. I make very good money and have a great schedule. I am still with my wife after thirteen years and we have two wonderful children. I have made plenty of mistakes and sadly, I will likely make more, but I never give up! I love what I do for a living and can't ever see myself doing anything else but I love my family too and they always come first!

Just my two cents, good luck to you

[floats4fun]

Great posts everyone, and most important, thank you for sharing.

Like I mentioned with consistant blank stares, I was always curious how many others have endured progression in this career with a spouse, and I couldn't agree more it takes a supportive spouse (or whatever he/she may be) and communication, to make it work.

Thank you for such well rounded posts...and please more opinions/experiences are nice to read. Definitly nice to read.

[flyinthebug]

Hi Floats4fun...
My situation was like many others. I got into aviation with a wife and 3 small children in tow. If not for her extraordinary patience, support and understanding, I never would have "made it" in this industry. My children endured a new school almost every year until they were 12,11,9 respectively. I decided at that point that was enough of uprooting my kids every year...so I settled into a job I loved and stayed put for the next 5 years.

Looking back, I wouldnt have dragged my children all over Canada, in pursuit of MY dream. You have to remember when you have a significant other, that they dont always share your passion to fly. It takes a special lady (or man if the pilot is female) to put up with the things "we" are forced to endure if we want to progress in our chosen career path.

There is no easy answer. As has been mentioned above, your other half will also require the patience and understanding of a saint, if there is any hope. You will travel and you will spend weeks and even months away from your family at a time. Be prepared. Talk to your spouse. Plan for being away. Being away now is not nearly as isolating as it was 25 yrs ago. There is high speed at even the most remote ops and a laptop in your flight bag, opens the doors for daily skype chats and msn videophone etc etc. The Internet was made for pilots(and others) who are forced to be away from their families often and for long stretches. Being in touch by videophone will help, but you will still spend an ample amount of time away from home. Communicate with your spouse on EVERY job offer and look at the pros and cons. If she can stand it for about 6-8 years, you should be able to be with an airline that you can enjoy a decent rotation and lifestyle. Its not forever, but it is a long commitment as you chase your dream. Flowers and surprise visits will also go along ways

All the best to you in your future decisions. Fly safe.

[summitx]

Keeping the ship afloat is possible with an understanding spouse. Once you have kids I think its a different deal. Many do it but as I'm closer to 60 than 50 these days its amazing how many friends regret missing out on time with their kids when they are growing up. For me this is the ultimate responsibility and to put your job before your family, well the word narcissistic comes to mind. I quit commercial flying because of this. Still manage to keep flying ga and owner. I really think you have to get the job to the point where you can come home at night if you plan to have kids.

[planett]

Think of the decades of wage concessions and "going the extra mile" aviation employees have given and how it has been squandered by managements. (seat sales, bonuses, speculative hedges etc.) That effort is better spent on family.

Having said that, being selfish at the very beginning may be the only way to secure a future in the business, just don't get addicted to your efforts at being irreplaceable, nobody is. Your passengers and employer deserve a competent and safe employee, that's what they pay for. Your family will benefit from that too. Beyond that, there is life beyond work, and saying no gets easier with practice. Call their bluff.

[fish4life]

Also for people who are younger, make sure you are with someone that is ok with you being away from home sometimes for work, if they can't stand it after you've been together for 6 months its not going to get any better 6 years down the road when you move on to a carrier that causes you to be away from home for longer periods of time. I've seen many people who after moving on to a major carrier end up divorced 2 years later because they are away from home too much now.

[OceansEdge]

it can be not terribly different for licensed dispatchers - you go where the jobs are.

when I first went to Manitoba - I was newly minted and you take the first job that's offered pretty much to get the experience. I was single then - but even so it was hard on my kids (and not the best choice I could have made for them)
when I made the move from there I had a husband - and we both knew Manitoba wasn't where we wanted to be - I took a big pay cut to make a lateral move that I thought would be better for my career, and take us to where we wanted to be.

Best laid plans don't always work out like you figure - but I wouldn't change the choices we made.

But yeah I was very lucky to have a husband who was already retired AND spent his own 28 years with Air Services Australia - so he already knew the rules of the game, and the decisions and choices we made we made together - for myself, for my career, and for our family.

Even now - I'm looking at commuting - and I couldn't do that without the 100% support of the old guy and we both think it's a better deal than moving again