Soooooooo....... Flight Crew fart stories, anyone?

[Romantic Lung]

Got any good fart-stories from the flight-deck? Don't be shy, we've all got a little potty humour!

[2R]

Eleven minutes into an eighteen minute flight,it was one of the worst smells i have ever had in an airplane.
One of the Pax had dropped his pants and shit on the floor.It was a footlong of pong.The stench would have gagged a maggot and the other pax where not too happy and started beating the poor "hungover" victim.

bon appetite

[Indanao]

Caught a Ho from Pickle Lake to ThunderBay on Bearskin. Pilot about 30 and Co-Pilot a little lady about 23. The Captain decided let er go. I was just behind the bulkhead on the left looking at the FO. She wasn't impressed, ( like she was a bit blue from holding her breath )and I will never ride with that stinking outfit again.

[Changes in Latitudes]

Eleven minutes into an eighteen minute flight,it was one of the worst smells i have ever had in an airplane.
One of the Pax had dropped his pants and shit on the floor.It was a footlong of pong.The stench would have gagged a maggot and the other pax where not too happy and started beating the poor "hungover" victim.

bon appetite

Ok I burst out laughing on that one, I do appreciate your writing style.

[Doc]

I was taking a load of turkeys, (Yank fishermen) from Winnipeg to Thompson, in a Caravan. Before departing, I told everyone to go water the plants.
About twenty minutes north the smell permeated into the cockpit. Un Bloody Believable!
I looked back. Big mistake. Huge!
One guy was taking a dump into a barf bag.
It gets worse.
His buddy was holding the bag.
True friendship.

On another flight, we had a tourist totally render a perfectly good cooler forever inoperative.

Nothing like a load of turkeys on a two hour flight after a week of swilling beer and killing fish.

[Les Habitants]

Flying to northern MB, one of the passengers was hungover and crapped their pants....thank GOODNESS the outflow valve is at the back of the plane! Not so lucky were the passengers sitting behind the person in question....

[DanWEC]

[quote="Doc"
His buddy was holding the bag.
True friendship.
[/quote]


Oh sweet jebus. I couldn't do that for anyone. Were they already wasted??

[bizjets101]

A CEO of a Toronto Mining company (who was an Irish citizen) had purchased a used Lear 35 from Duncan Aviation in Lincoln Nebraska.

The newly registered Canadian Lear flew from Lincoln to Ireland to pick up the new owner and bring him to Toronto - the Lears new home.

On board was the two crew, the CEO, and a hooker with no identification he decided to bring with him. He was seriously plastered when he got on the plane - and was in the same state when he arrived.

Though the Lear is equipped with a potty - he never thought to use it - using the aisle of his own Learjet instead.

Upon arrival at customs at YYZ - the crew both quit - leaving the Lear at customs, rumour was the CEO pulled a knife on the two customs persons when they tried to detain the hooker. After several phone calls - a $50,000 cash bond was posted and the hooker was released into Canada on a 24 hour pass!!!

As for the Lear - it was winter - the emergency exit was removed, the door left open and it sat like that for 3 days (outside) before anyone went near it.

[Beefitarian]

This is shaping up to be the thread I link when people ask if they should become a commercial pilot.

[fish4life]

One guy was taking a dump into a barf bag.
It gets worse.
His buddy was holding the bag.
True friendship.

I truly enjoyed this one, definitely a good laugh

[bmc]

A good buddy of mine was flying a Twotter out of Kujuak year ago. He was doing a sched flight with a full load. They were running late and he was in the terminal busy with paperwork or something, so he told his F/O to load everyone and start #1.

He finished up inside and ran out to the plane sitting on the ramp with fifteen pax and an engine running. The stairs were tucked inside, so he hopped in through his door. He left it open as he felt a big fart coming on. Raising his butt cheek to let it escape as he was preparing to start #2, he drew mud.

In one quick motion, he told the F/o to hang on as he ran to the crew house and changed his coveralls.

...........................................................

This non flying but of a similar vein. I frequent another forum for musicians and there was a similar thread on farting. This post still makes me laugh. Enjoy, as only a Canadian pilot would:

QUOTE

I recall trips to gigs while on the road in our band bus, where our lead guitarist used to get one of our roadies all the time.

The worst was when we had played something like five nights in a row and had to travel to each one every day. We were really worn out and eating the worst food.

Our roadie was asleep on one of the beds in the bus, and he was lying there with his mouth wide open, snoring away.

Our guitarist went up to him, turned around, dropped his pants, spread his cheeks and squatted right over the roadie's open mouth and let loose the loudest, most vile fart imaginable!!!

Needless to say, it woke the roadie up. I thought he was going to kill our guitar player by throwing him out the side door!!!

As disgusting as that is...all of us were laughing for the rest of the day. I'm laughing right now thinking back on that...and that had to happen about twenty years ago.
UNQUOTE

[bmc]

Eleven minutes into an eighteen minute flight,it was one of the worst smells i have ever had in an airplane.
One of the Pax had dropped his pants and shit on the floor.It was a footlong of pong.The stench would have gagged a maggot and the other pax where not too happy and started beating the poor "hungover" victim.

bon appetite

I am crying, I am laughing so hard.

[culshawm]

We were in a PC12 heading into Florida from Ontario. The passengers were 4 guys. One was a chef who brought the most incredible sliced smoked meat tray and lots of wine for everyone. 4.1 hrs later at the Top of Descent, we hear the guys in the back giggling - even louder than the PT6!
In the PC12 the airflows from the back of the plane to the front.
A wave of the most fowl fart stench reached our nostrils. We both turned around and the guys were laughing even louder.
The captain grabbed his oxygen mask, placed it on his face and showed the passengers. They got a real hoot out of that one.
I don't know what those guys were eating but it was the most raunchy fart smell I've ever experienced.


Good stories folks, keep them coming!

[fel]

For any Hercules crew, past or present............HOWDY!

[TG]

There was this skydiver we nicknamed "The Altimeter"
Always letting one goes at 9000' plus or minus 500'.

Making everybody's eyes water and removing all jumping fears to newbies.

[Louis]

There was this skydiver we nicknamed "The Altimeter"
Always letting one goes at 9000' plus or minus 500'.

Making everybody's eyes water and removing all jumping fears to newbies.

That's a good one... The morning after a couple of firsts (or beer line crossings) have a tendency of being interesting.

Not flight crew per se, but it marked those involved.

One day, I was climbing along with a Caravan-load of jumpers, when all of a sudden I hear a commotion aft...
Wondering what the fuss was I turned around, then it hit me.

An eye-watering, gag-inducing mix of sulphuric and thiol compounds that still holds as the worst I've ever smelled.
One of the camera guys in the back actually stuck his head outside to puke.

As any good pilot in those circumstances I applied the proper drills: Windows - Open, Vents - Open and adjust, and kept on flying. (No O2 masks on that airplane.)

The incident was pinned on an "habitual farter" who vehemently denied any involvement. It took almost a year for the actual perpetrator to 'fess up.

[Pratt X 3]

Over 6 years of stories (500+ posts), on the subject: Diarrhea in a freighter?

[North Shore]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKsMn7QM ... re=related

[iflyforpie]

Not flying, but aviation related.

I worked at KFC as an AME apprentice and one of the jobs for apprenti was re and re'ing floorboards and sidewalls in the fuselage. In Kelowna, in the summer, understandably it gets very hot in an aluminum airplane so we would have huge ventilator fans by each of the doors.

There was this one apprentice who was a bit heavyset and really liked eating sauerkraut, sausage, and boiled eggs for lunch. Well every fifteen minutes or so he would walk up into the plane, put a big grin on his face, plant his ass in front of the fan and let r rip. Naturally every time he did this, we all headed for the emergency exits to get away from the stench.

One particularly foul day, his ass was working overtime and as a result we'd have to bail out of the aircraft every few minutes. It was so bad, one of the head honchos heard about it. He got called to the office and told to change his diet and stop farting in the fans because he was holding up production.

[Siddley Hawker]

Back in the day, if there was no ski work, the 185 and Beaver drivers would hump the mail or act as cabin attendant on our DC-3's in the winter. We always carried a roll of toilet paper hung on the bungee cord between the release levers on the cockpit escape hatch. One day on the sched, I was the cookie pusher and the Captain let one go that was absolute poison. It got sucked into the Janitrol recirc fan and went all through the airplane. I went up front with the news that the passengers were all sniffing and looking at each other. The co-pilot reached up, took the roll of bumwad off the bungee and said, "Here, roll that own the aisle. The first one to reach out to grab it, the rest'll think he shit himself."

North Shore, if you ever run into GC in Gimli, ask him if he remembers that one.

When Hollinger Ungava Transport still operated the DC-3, they would do all sorts of evac work. One evening they got a call from Schefferville to pick up a body and fly it to Montreal, so off they went, just the two crew. The stiff turned to have been a drowning, and he'd spent a couple of days in the water. He was zipped into a body bag and the boys strapped him across a couple of seats at the back of the airplane. After climbing out the Captain looked at the co-pilot and said "Well, how about a coffee?" The co-pilot was agreeable, so back he goes to fire up the hot cup. The galley on this airplane was back in the vestibule, opposite the airstair door. The cabin lights were out, just a couple of reading lights on, and it was gloomy back there with the recently departed. The co-joe put the water in the cup and was preparing the fixins for the coffee when the corpse began to vent some of his three-day accumulation of gas. As he told it later, the co-pilot let out for the cockpit and says he may have touched the floor twice before he wrenched open the cockpit door and fell into his seat and the Captain asked "Where's my coffee?" His answer was "Go get your own goddam coffee, that fucker's still alive back there. "

[Doc]

The rear baggage door on a 748, opens into the lav. Captain (shall we call him Porky?) is sitting on the "throne", pants downs, grunting out yesterday's burritos, and along comes this well meaning ramp rat, opens the baggage access door, and low a behold, there's the Captain P, just a sitting as pretty as can be. While passengers are being loaded in YQT. Problem is, you can't close the door from the ground, unless you happen to be nine feet tall. The good Captain must complete his "paper work", rise from his perch, pull up his slacks, and close the door from within. True story. The names have been slightly changed to protect the already red faced.

[wantok]

Siddley; I worked with GC on the Ducks for four years and heard alot of stories, most more than once but never heard that one.

[Siddley Hawker]

I owe him a phone call. He didn't go to Arizona this year, decided to stick it out up north.

[legacy777]

Ah, the youth of today, finally deteriorating to the bowels of humanity....
Mid '70s, L1011 (pretty well screams which airline) and the poor lowly underpaid S/O working with one of the truly "crazy" senior skippers who happened to go by the same name as one of the '50s NYY catchers. A nice spring day in "the Hub" with a potential routine departure off 23R (I know, it's re-named, numbered, something like that). At approximaetly 100 knots, with the skipper in total control, hmmm, let's put it this way - he lost control of something "inside". As we approached V1 and Vr, and the nose of the aircraft slipped the surly bonds, the F/O and I were choking on the most disgusting putrid foul odor that I had ever experienced. Tearing and choking and trying not to laugh, and as the main gear lets go, and with the mandatory "thumb up" with the "gear-up" call, the wily commander states without a hint of embarassment or quilt "Any man that would take two wiffs of that is gready".

[Gorgons]

"Any man that would take two wiffs of that is gready".

That has to be the funnest thing I've read in the whole string! Can't stop laughing, 2 hrs later watching a hockey game it pops into my head and I start all over again.... a two thumbs up quote.