Respect
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a Nursing home. Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!"
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old! He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson.
"And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The f--king Arab!"
Crappy joke of the day
Moderators: sky's the limit, sepia, Sulako, lilfssister, North Shore
An Australian was sitting at the table of an outdoor café, reading the newspaper while having coffee and croissants with butter and jam when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian continued to read his newspaper, ignoring the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia." The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the
Australian replied, "Of course, we do, only we call it jam here." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle then, transform them into them into jam and sell it to Australia."
The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the states?"
The American smiled and said, "Why, of course, we do."
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course," replied the American.
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley’s?
The Australian continued to read his newspaper, ignoring the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia." The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the
Australian replied, "Of course, we do, only we call it jam here." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle then, transform them into them into jam and sell it to Australia."
The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the states?"
The American smiled and said, "Why, of course, we do."
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course," replied the American.
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley’s?
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad".
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself . Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad".
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself . Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
******************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
***************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
****************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
"He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "
****************************************
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
******************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
***************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
****************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
"He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "
****************************************
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
-
ottawa,kan
- Rank 6
- Posts: 427
- Joined: Sat Feb 17, 2007 5:14 pm
- Location: Kansas
crappy joke of teh day
HEY....you know what the definition of a virgin in Arkansas is????
a 13 year old girl that can still outrun her brothers.
a 13 year old girl that can still outrun her brothers.
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and
wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like
some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard" He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."
wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like
some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard" He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in
the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned.
"What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in
disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right
here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 232 at Mt. Sinai Hospital. Visiting hours
are between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m.
the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned.
"What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in
disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right
here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 232 at Mt. Sinai Hospital. Visiting hours
are between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m.
Three hockey fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk who had passed out. Out of respect for the lady, the Maple Leafs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Senators fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Montreal Canadiens fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were then called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Leafs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sens cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Habs cap, replaced it,then lifted it again and replaced it. Finally, he lifted it one more time, and replaced it.
Meanwhile, the Montreal fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer. " I'm a little confused. Normally when I look under a Canadiens hat, I find an asshole!"
The police were then called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Leafs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sens cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Habs cap, replaced it,then lifted it again and replaced it. Finally, he lifted it one more time, and replaced it.
Meanwhile, the Montreal fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer. " I'm a little confused. Normally when I look under a Canadiens hat, I find an asshole!"
A farmer name Horatio had a serious car accident involving a truck.
In court, the trucking companies lawyer was questioning Horatio. “Didn’t you say, just after the accident, “I’m fine”? asked the lawyer.
Horatio responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded by favourite mule, Bessie, into the…..” “I did not ask you for any details”, the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question”. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, “I’m fine!”.
Horatio said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…..” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I’m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman when he arrived at the scene that he was just fine! Now, several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question”.
By this time the judge was interested in Horatio’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie. “Horatio thanked the judge and proceeded.
“Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie, into the trailer and was driving down the road when this huge truck went through the stop sign and ran straight into my car. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However I could hear Bessie moaning and I knew she was in pain. Then the patrolman came onto the scene and he could hear her in pain so he went over to her.
After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then he came over to me, still with the gun in his hand, looked at me and said, “ And how are you feeling?”. Now judge, “What the hell would you say?”
In court, the trucking companies lawyer was questioning Horatio. “Didn’t you say, just after the accident, “I’m fine”? asked the lawyer.
Horatio responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded by favourite mule, Bessie, into the…..” “I did not ask you for any details”, the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question”. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, “I’m fine!”.
Horatio said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…..” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I’m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman when he arrived at the scene that he was just fine! Now, several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question”.
By this time the judge was interested in Horatio’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie. “Horatio thanked the judge and proceeded.
“Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie, into the trailer and was driving down the road when this huge truck went through the stop sign and ran straight into my car. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However I could hear Bessie moaning and I knew she was in pain. Then the patrolman came onto the scene and he could hear her in pain so he went over to her.
After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then he came over to me, still with the gun in his hand, looked at me and said, “ And how are you feeling?”. Now judge, “What the hell would you say?”
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
After a night of drinking, Ross crept into bed beside Betty who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed, wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Ross, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter."
Ross was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... You've got to send me back straight away."
St. Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Ross was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
It's not so bad," replies Ross, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," replies Ross.
"Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him... ever!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard Betty shouting,
"Ross, wake up, you drunk @#$!, you're shitting the bed!!!"
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed, wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Ross, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter."
Ross was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... You've got to send me back straight away."
St. Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Ross was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
It's not so bad," replies Ross, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," replies Ross.
"Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him... ever!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard Betty shouting,
"Ross, wake up, you drunk @#$!, you're shitting the bed!!!"
Last edited by bmc on Fri Mar 09, 2007 11:54 am, edited 2 times in total.
bmc
-
Idriveplane
- Rank 6
- Posts: 424
- Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2005 10:54 am
- Location: Tree tops
Subject: Why parents get gray hair
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy! She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
CHAD
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy! She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
CHAD
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man
answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some
good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good
news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pounds
king crab and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great
news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some
good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good
news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pounds
king crab and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great
news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
-
Rudder Bug
- Rank 10
- Posts: 2735
- Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2005 11:09 pm
- Location: Right seat but I own the seat
For some reasons, a guy ends up in hell.
Lucifer greets him and explains the new rules.
"You can now select your punishment, I'll open doors and show you what we got and pick the one you'd like. But remember, you can't change your mind later, and second, since we are getting too many people in here, we now release one when we find his/her replacement."
He is now being shown various forms of punishment, like burning in fire forever, drowning in water forever, starving or itching forever, etc. Lucifer opens another door where we see Rudder Bug tied on a pole, naked and getting a BJ from Marilyn Monroe.
The guy picks this punishment of course and Lucifer says: "Ok Marilyn, you are free. I have a replacement for you."
Lucifer greets him and explains the new rules.
"You can now select your punishment, I'll open doors and show you what we got and pick the one you'd like. But remember, you can't change your mind later, and second, since we are getting too many people in here, we now release one when we find his/her replacement."
He is now being shown various forms of punishment, like burning in fire forever, drowning in water forever, starving or itching forever, etc. Lucifer opens another door where we see Rudder Bug tied on a pole, naked and getting a BJ from Marilyn Monroe.
The guy picks this punishment of course and Lucifer says: "Ok Marilyn, you are free. I have a replacement for you."
Flying an aircraft and building a guitar are two things that are easy to do bad and difficult to do right
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Yd_QppdGks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Yd_QppdGks
There is this homosexual couple who have been partners for years, and eventually one of them goes and dies. The surviving partner is distraught and goes to the chapel of rest to pay his last respects.
While at the chapel the Funeral director gets chatting to the man about what kind of service would be appropriate. The gay man says that he wants a form of service that is suitable to show how much he cared for his partner.
The funeral director suggests a grand burial, but the man declines this as he cannot face the idea of the worms and bugs crawling over his partner, so the funeral director suggest cremation, but again the gay doesn't want to see his partner burn.
The funeral director is a bit lost for ideas when the man says ....
"can you cut him up into small pieces and put him in a carrier bag so I can take him home."
The funeral director is a bit shocked by this and asks why, the man replies......
"So that I can put him in a pot and make a really spicy curry out of him"
Even more shocked and disgusted the funeral director asks him why he would want to do that, and the gay replies......
"So that I can feel him dribbling out of my ass in the morning one last time .............."
While at the chapel the Funeral director gets chatting to the man about what kind of service would be appropriate. The gay man says that he wants a form of service that is suitable to show how much he cared for his partner.
The funeral director suggests a grand burial, but the man declines this as he cannot face the idea of the worms and bugs crawling over his partner, so the funeral director suggest cremation, but again the gay doesn't want to see his partner burn.
The funeral director is a bit lost for ideas when the man says ....
"can you cut him up into small pieces and put him in a carrier bag so I can take him home."
The funeral director is a bit shocked by this and asks why, the man replies......
"So that I can put him in a pot and make a really spicy curry out of him"
Even more shocked and disgusted the funeral director asks him why he would want to do that, and the gay replies......
"So that I can feel him dribbling out of my ass in the morning one last time .............."
bmc
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
A boy who wanted to be just like his father sees him smoking a cigarette and asks if he could have a smoke too. to which the dad responds "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy responded "no" "well son sorry, you can't have one."
Some time later he sees his father drinking a beer. Again he asks if he could join his father. again the father responds "is your dick long enough to touch your asshole." again the boy replies that it is not.
one day the boy finds a lottery ticket on the way home from school when he gets home it is discovered that it is a winning ticket the father immediatly asks "son are you gonna share that with me?" to which the son responds "is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" "you bet it is." replies the father. the boy then says "well go @#$! yourself"
Some time later he sees his father drinking a beer. Again he asks if he could join his father. again the father responds "is your dick long enough to touch your asshole." again the boy replies that it is not.
one day the boy finds a lottery ticket on the way home from school when he gets home it is discovered that it is a winning ticket the father immediatly asks "son are you gonna share that with me?" to which the son responds "is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" "you bet it is." replies the father. the boy then says "well go @#$! yourself"
If you think a professional costs a lot, wait until you see what an amateur will cost you 
Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat..
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. > This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. >Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, >
"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and Immediately the >sea >turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished. >Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo ,whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said,
"Nice going > Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. > This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. >Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, >
"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and Immediately the >sea >turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished. >Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo ,whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said,
"Nice going > Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
On a recent tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a couple of days off
>>from his schedule, to visit the ocean for some sightseeing.
>>He was cruising along the beach at the Whakatane heads in the
>>Popemobile, when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.
>>
>>A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey and hat
>>was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a five metre
>>shark.
>>
>>As the Pope watched, horrified, a waka (canoe) swiftly arrived, with
>>two men wearing black and white All Black jerseys.
>>
>>Kora quickly chucked a harpoon into the shark's side.
>>Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semiconscious
>>Aussie from the water.
>>
>>Then, using long clubs, Kora and Hohepa beat the shark to death
>>and hauled it into the boat.
>>Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.
>>"I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them.
>>"I heard that there was some bitter hatred between New Zealand
>>and Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes that is not true."
>>
>>As the Pope drove off, Kora asked Hohepa "Who the bloody hell was
>>that, bro?"
>>"That was the Pope mate," Hohepa replied. "He's in direct contact
>>with God, bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom."
>>
>>"Well," Kora said "he may have access to God's wisdom but the prick
>>don't know from nothing about shark fishing
- is the bait holding>>up okay or do we need to get another one?"
>>from his schedule, to visit the ocean for some sightseeing.
>>He was cruising along the beach at the Whakatane heads in the
>>Popemobile, when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.
>>
>>A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey and hat
>>was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a five metre
>>shark.
>>
>>As the Pope watched, horrified, a waka (canoe) swiftly arrived, with
>>two men wearing black and white All Black jerseys.
>>
>>Kora quickly chucked a harpoon into the shark's side.
>>Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semiconscious
>>Aussie from the water.
>>
>>Then, using long clubs, Kora and Hohepa beat the shark to death
>>and hauled it into the boat.
>>Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.
>>"I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them.
>>"I heard that there was some bitter hatred between New Zealand
>>and Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes that is not true."
>>
>>As the Pope drove off, Kora asked Hohepa "Who the bloody hell was
>>that, bro?"
>>"That was the Pope mate," Hohepa replied. "He's in direct contact
>>with God, bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom."
>>
>>"Well," Kora said "he may have access to God's wisdom but the prick
>>don't know from nothing about shark fishing
- is the bait holding>>up okay or do we need to get another one?"
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
-
corporate joe
- Rank 8
- Posts: 754
- Joined: Mon May 29, 2006 8:18 am
- Location: the coast
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
The 3 most important things to remember when you're old:
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
Subject: The Stuttering Cat
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
> beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
>
> A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
> volunteered.
>
> The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
>asked the girl to describe the incident.
>
> "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
> rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
> it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
>
> "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the
> little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
> And before he could say" @#$!," the rottweiler ate him!"
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
> beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
>
> A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
> volunteered.
>
> The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
>asked the girl to describe the incident.
>
> "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
> rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
> it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
>
> "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the
> little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
> And before he could say" @#$!," the rottweiler ate him!"
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
-
Rudder Bug
- Rank 10
- Posts: 2735
- Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2005 11:09 pm
- Location: Right seat but I own the seat
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed,
so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and
found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood
out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its
foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious
look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being
trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked
away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo
with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were
standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot
off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help
wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and
stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk
around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing
him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant
from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed,
so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and
found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood
out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its
foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious
look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being
trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked
away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo
with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were
standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot
off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help
wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and
stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk
around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing
him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant
Former Advocate for Floatplane Safety
