The pope goes to America and gets picked up at the airport by a Cadillac Limo with the windows blacked out. After a while, the driver hears a rapping on the glass partition and winds it down.
'You know, since I was a little boy I've always dreamt of driving a Caddy,' says the pope.
Not wanting to refuse a request by God's representative on Earth, the driver pulls over and they swap places.
The pope has a wonderful time screaming down the freeway at 100mph, but it's not long before blue lights pull the car over. The policeman has words, then returns to his vehicle and gets on the radio.
'Dispatch - you better get me the chief' he whispers.
'Roger that.'
A pause.
'Chief here. What's up?'
'I've just pulled somebody over and I think they're quite important and I don't know what to do,' whispers the policeman.
'You haven't pulled over the mayor again have you?'
'No, I think they're more important than the mayor.'
'The governor?'
'No, I think they're more important than the governor.'
'Oh my god! You haven't pulled over the president have you?'
'No, I think they're more important than the president.'
'WHAT? How can anyone possibly be more important than the president of the United States?'
'I dunno, but he's got the pope as a chauffeur...'
Crappy joke of the day
Moderators: sky's the limit, sepia, Sulako, lilfssister, North Shore
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northwings
- Rank 3
- Posts: 134
- Joined: Fri Jan 26, 2007 7:25 am
- Location: CYTS
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Siddley Hawker
- Rank 11
- Posts: 3353
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:56 pm
- Location: 50.13N 66.17W
A bald man with a wooden leg was invited to a Halloween party. He had no idea what to wear to hide his bald head and his wooden leg, so he decided to contact a costume company to explain his predicament. A couple of days later he recieved a package in the mail with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's costume. The spotted handkerchief can be used to cover your bald head and along with your wooden leg, you will make a splendid pirate.
Yours very truly,
Acme Costume Company.
The guy is totally po'd that they have chosen to emphasize his wooden leg, so he returns the costume along with a nasty letter of complaint. A week later he recieves another package in the mail along with another note.
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will surely look the part.
Yours very truly,
Acme Costume Company.
Now the man is really po'd, since they've gone from emphasing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so he writes a really nasty letter of complaint and returns it with the costume. Two days later via Priority Post he recieves another package with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head and pat on the crushed nuts. Jam your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple.
Yours very truly,
Acme Costume Company.
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's costume. The spotted handkerchief can be used to cover your bald head and along with your wooden leg, you will make a splendid pirate.
Yours very truly,
Acme Costume Company.
The guy is totally po'd that they have chosen to emphasize his wooden leg, so he returns the costume along with a nasty letter of complaint. A week later he recieves another package in the mail along with another note.
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will surely look the part.
Yours very truly,
Acme Costume Company.
Now the man is really po'd, since they've gone from emphasing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so he writes a really nasty letter of complaint and returns it with the costume. Two days later via Priority Post he recieves another package with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head and pat on the crushed nuts. Jam your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple.
Yours very truly,
Acme Costume Company.
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Rudder Bug
- Rank 10
- Posts: 2735
- Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2005 11:09 pm
- Location: Right seat but I own the seat
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Mile High Guy
- Rank 2
- Posts: 53
- Joined: Wed Jul 18, 2007 6:52 pm
- Location: CYVR
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Rudder Bug
- Rank 10
- Posts: 2735
- Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2005 11:09 pm
- Location: Right seat but I own the seat
Two flies are taking a break on a piece of shit. One of the flies farts.
The other one sceams : "This is gross! Can't you see I'm eating?
The other one sceams : "This is gross! Can't you see I'm eating?
Flying an aircraft and building a guitar are two things that are easy to do bad and difficult to do right
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Yd_QppdGks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Yd_QppdGks
I think this one may be on here already, so bite me.
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, an officer from the local RAF walked in and said to the shopkeeper "I'll take a 6114 monkey, please". The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out the monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the officer, saying, "That'll be 2000 pounds, please". The officer paid and left with the monkey. The surprised tourist went to the shopkeeper and said "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did that one cost so much??" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah that's a 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls, score 300 on the Army Personal Fitness Test, set up a perimeter defense and perform the duties of a warrant officer with no back talk or complaints. Its well worth the money". The tourist then spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! 10,000 pounds! What does it do? he asked. "Oh that one," replied the shopkeeper. "That's a Maintenance Supervisor monkey. It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate and BM level and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed." The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third in a cage. The price tag was 50,000 pounds. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?" "Actually," said the shopkeeper "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a pilot."
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, an officer from the local RAF walked in and said to the shopkeeper "I'll take a 6114 monkey, please". The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out the monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the officer, saying, "That'll be 2000 pounds, please". The officer paid and left with the monkey. The surprised tourist went to the shopkeeper and said "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did that one cost so much??" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah that's a 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls, score 300 on the Army Personal Fitness Test, set up a perimeter defense and perform the duties of a warrant officer with no back talk or complaints. Its well worth the money". The tourist then spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! 10,000 pounds! What does it do? he asked. "Oh that one," replied the shopkeeper. "That's a Maintenance Supervisor monkey. It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate and BM level and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed." The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third in a cage. The price tag was 50,000 pounds. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?" "Actually," said the shopkeeper "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a pilot."
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
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Rudder Bug
- Rank 10
- Posts: 2735
- Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2005 11:09 pm
- Location: Right seat but I own the seat
Good one xsbank!
And to answer your question in the other thread, yes, it was what I was doing until last August (the 3T with the burgunty tail).
I am now working on my class 3 driver license and doing well. That's toward a job with our village's city hall.
How are you making out?
And to answer your question in the other thread, yes, it was what I was doing until last August (the 3T with the burgunty tail).
I am now working on my class 3 driver license and doing well. That's toward a job with our village's city hall.
How are you making out?
Flying an aircraft and building a guitar are two things that are easy to do bad and difficult to do right
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Yd_QppdGks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Yd_QppdGks
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 25 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.
He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.
She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 25 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.
He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.
She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man, Jack, started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man, Jack, started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
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5400AirportRdSouth
- Rank 5
- Posts: 362
- Joined: Fri Jan 05, 2007 12:23 am
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn’t get it.
Karmageddon: It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it’s a serious bummer.
Epigramp: A maxim that brands the speaker as an old codger: “If God had wanted women to wear pants . . .” (Brendan Beary)
Eruditz: A philosophy professor who can’t figure out how to work the copying machine.
FAQu: The response to frequently asked stupid questions.
Flimflame: To commit arson for the insurance money.
Hasta la visa, baby: Gov. Schwarzenegger’s immigration reform slogan.
Hiltoon: A girl who has become a caricature of herself.
Randiose: Given to excessive embellishment of one’s sexual appetite and conquests.
Testiculate: To conspicuously readjust one’s package.
Whomicide: Murdering the King’s English.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn’t get it.
Karmageddon: It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it’s a serious bummer.
Epigramp: A maxim that brands the speaker as an old codger: “If God had wanted women to wear pants . . .” (Brendan Beary)
Eruditz: A philosophy professor who can’t figure out how to work the copying machine.
FAQu: The response to frequently asked stupid questions.
Flimflame: To commit arson for the insurance money.
Hasta la visa, baby: Gov. Schwarzenegger’s immigration reform slogan.
Hiltoon: A girl who has become a caricature of herself.
Randiose: Given to excessive embellishment of one’s sexual appetite and conquests.
Testiculate: To conspicuously readjust one’s package.
Whomicide: Murdering the King’s English.
Remember, only YOU can stop Narcissism
Weeweechu
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
*
*
*
*
*
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER….
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
*
*
*
*
*
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER….
Former Advocate for Floatplane Safety
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GilletteNorth
- Rank 7
- Posts: 704
- Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2007 1:09 pm
- Location: throw a dart dead center of Saskatchewan
An Air Canada flight took off from Toronto. Once it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the captain made an announcement over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome on board Air Canada today non-stop from Toronto to Vancouver. The weather ahead is looking good so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!!" Silence followed and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you earlier but, while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants." A passenger in coach said "That's nothing, you should see the back of mine!"
Having a standard that pilots lose their licence after making a mistake despite doing no harm to aircraft or passengers means soon you needn't worry about a pilot surplus or pilots offering to fly for free. Where do you get your experience from?
A filthy rich South Carolina doctor decided that he
wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies
and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only
redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around
the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating
shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the
women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I
have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give
a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump
in." The words were barely out of his mouth when
there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and
saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his
thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds,
biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator
through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. both
Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to
the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly
climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe
you a million dollars,"
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something.
You won the bet. How about half a million bucks
then?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you
something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche
and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what
do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed
me in the pool!"
wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies
and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only
redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around
the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating
shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the
women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I
have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give
a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump
in." The words were barely out of his mouth when
there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and
saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his
thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds,
biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator
through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. both
Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to
the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly
climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe
you a million dollars,"
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something.
You won the bet. How about half a million bucks
then?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you
something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche
and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what
do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed
me in the pool!"
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
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mellow_pilot
- Rank 10
- Posts: 2119
- Joined: Wed Aug 17, 2005 1:04 am
- Location: Pilot Purgatory
Jaques an Maurice are hout in da bush unting. Weeell dey gets los. So dey's walking round for days an days, when final-ment they comes to a clearing.
Jaques says to Maurice, "do you sees dat?"
"What is it?" ask Maurice.
"Dats a bacon tree!!!"
"Jaques, you're crazy! Ders no such tings as bacon tree."
"Look! It's right there on de utter side da clearings! You wait eres, I'm a gonna go gets some bacons so wes can ave somethin to eat."
So Jaques goes outs to da middles of the clearing an all of suddens, 'TAC-TAC-TAC, open up da machine gun!!!
"Jaques!!" scream Maurice, "is yous ho-kays?"
"Maurice! Dats no bacon tree! It's a goddamn HAM-BUSH!!!!"
Jaques says to Maurice, "do you sees dat?"
"What is it?" ask Maurice.
"Dats a bacon tree!!!"
"Jaques, you're crazy! Ders no such tings as bacon tree."
"Look! It's right there on de utter side da clearings! You wait eres, I'm a gonna go gets some bacons so wes can ave somethin to eat."
So Jaques goes outs to da middles of the clearing an all of suddens, 'TAC-TAC-TAC, open up da machine gun!!!
"Jaques!!" scream Maurice, "is yous ho-kays?"
"Maurice! Dats no bacon tree! It's a goddamn HAM-BUSH!!!!"
Dyslexics of the world... UNTIE!
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Rudder Bug
- Rank 10
- Posts: 2735
- Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2005 11:09 pm
- Location: Right seat but I own the seat
Re: Crappy joke of the day
In a small town, Bubba the red neck is found dead, horribly mutilated, obviously battered beyond recognition. The morgue is open for formal identification of the body.
A citizen walks in and asks to flip the body on its belly. He looks down, saying that's definitely not Bubba . When asked why, he says he's always heard "Here comes Bubba with his two assholes ".
A citizen walks in and asks to flip the body on its belly. He looks down, saying that's definitely not Bubba . When asked why, he says he's always heard "Here comes Bubba with his two assholes ".
Flying an aircraft and building a guitar are two things that are easy to do bad and difficult to do right
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Yd_QppdGks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Yd_QppdGks
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Siddley Hawker
- Rank 11
- Posts: 3353
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:56 pm
- Location: 50.13N 66.17W
Re: Crappy joke of the day
Mary had just delivered the baby in the stable, when Joseph entered and knelt by her side.
"It's a boy, Joseph," she whispered, "What shall we name him?"
Joseph stood up and smacked his head on a low beam.
"It's a boy, Joseph," she whispered, "What shall we name him?"
Joseph stood up and smacked his head on a low beam.
Re: Crappy joke of the day
CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
And my personal favourite -
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
And my personal favourite -
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Former Advocate for Floatplane Safety
Re: Crappy joke of the day
What will happen to you at Christmas ?
Yule be happy !
Yule be happy !
Re: Crappy joke of the day
The Canadian Forces recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part
of our team now," said the career manager during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the mess for something
to eat, but please don't eat any of the other soldiers". The cannibals
promised they would not.
Four weeks later their colonel remarked, "You're all working very hard,
and I'm very satisfied with you. However, one of our clerks has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the colonel had left, leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the clerk?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
shouted, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating officers and no
one has noticed, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"
of our team now," said the career manager during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the mess for something
to eat, but please don't eat any of the other soldiers". The cannibals
promised they would not.
Four weeks later their colonel remarked, "You're all working very hard,
and I'm very satisfied with you. However, one of our clerks has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the colonel had left, leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the clerk?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
shouted, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating officers and no
one has noticed, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"
The things I love are not HR approved
"I hate you so much right now." - sar
"I hate you so much right now." - sar
Re: Crappy joke of the day
In The Beginning Was The Plan...
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of sh$#, and it stinketh"
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we cannot abide the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with powerful effects"
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how sh%@ happens.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of sh$#, and it stinketh"
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we cannot abide the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with powerful effects"
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how sh%@ happens.
Former Advocate for Floatplane Safety
Re: Crappy joke of the day
Students were assigned to read 2 books.............
'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:..... cost - $29.99
Clinton:.... cost - $29.99
Titanic: ..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:….. Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:...... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: ..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: .... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:….. In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:….. Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.... Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:.... Clinton doesn't remember Jack shit.
Titanic:….. Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:.... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:..... cost - $29.99
Clinton:.... cost - $29.99
Titanic: ..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:….. Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:...... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: ..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: .... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:….. In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:….. Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.... Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:.... Clinton doesn't remember Jack shit.
Titanic:….. Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:.... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
Re: Crappy joke of the day
JOSE and CARLOS are panhandlers......
They panhandle on different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars
every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives
in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day ?"
Jose says,...."Look at your sign, what does it say"?
Carlos sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'."
Jose says "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
Carlos says......"So what does your sign say'
Jose shows Carlos his sign...It read,
"I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico".
They panhandle on different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars
every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives
in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day ?"
Jose says,...."Look at your sign, what does it say"?
Carlos sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'."
Jose says "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
Carlos says......"So what does your sign say'
Jose shows Carlos his sign...It read,
"I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico".
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
Re: Crappy joke of the day
The Irish Nursing Home
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather (Abuelo) in a nursing home.
All the Hispanic facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Irish home. After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.
'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,' says grandpa.
'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'
'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abuelo says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'
'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'
'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!'
'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me "The Fecking Mexican".
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather (Abuelo) in a nursing home.
All the Hispanic facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Irish home. After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.
'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,' says grandpa.
'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'
'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abuelo says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'
'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'
'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!'
'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me "The Fecking Mexican".
Re: Crappy joke of the day
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Sydney construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other.
One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down "Why"?
The worker yelled back "His wife's here with his lunch."
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other.
One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down "Why"?
The worker yelled back "His wife's here with his lunch."
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
