ATC with a sense of humour

Bede · Post by **Bede** » Thu Aug 05, 2004 3:50 pm

Does anyone have any funny story's about ATC comments (that you've actually heard)?

YYx has a couple guys with great wit. I was going into YTZ the other week and heard this conversation between center and a Jazz Dash 8.

ATC: Jazz XXXX traffic at your 11 o'clock, 5 miles, 1000' below, your following him for the visual.

Jazz: We're looking for the traffic.

(30 seconds later)

ATC: Jazz XXXX traffic now at your 12 o'clock 2 miles.

Jazz: Still no contact, we're looking.

ATC (sounding quite pissed): You still don't have him?! He's right in front of you!

We got a good laugh anyways.

skyhigh · Post by **skyhigh** » Thu Aug 05, 2004 3:59 pm

I didn't find that story amusing at all.

. ._ · Post by **. ._** » Thu Aug 05, 2004 5:07 pm

Here's a funnier true story.

ISTP: Holding short 30, ready for take off.

Tower: Traffic departing runway 30, continue holding short.

ISTP: OK, can I wait a bit for wake turbulence?

Tower: Don't worry, WE'll tell you when you're cleared. Continue holding short.

ISTP: Oh yeah, I guess that's right... (said, but forgot to let go the mike) I'm such a fucking idiot!

Tower: Say again. (laughing)

ISTP: Uh, continue holding short.

-istp

maniac779 · Post by **maniac779** » Thu Aug 05, 2004 5:30 pm

cpt sweet'njuicy, now thats an ATC story... jokes...

tripleseven · Post by **tripleseven** » Thu Aug 05, 2004 5:32 pm

I know of a guy who was flying a jetstream on a visual, following the competitions B1900 on a visual:

Tower: Your're #2, following a beech 1900, final.

J31: Roger, we have him..

a couple of moments later:

Tower: You still have that 1900?

J31: Negative, he just flew over a trailer park.

CAPGEN · Post by **CAPGEN** » Thu Aug 05, 2004 6:07 pm

An instructor friend was doing circuits with a student at YWG in a Katana. I guess the turbine commuter holding short wasn't too happy that he had to wait for a Katana at an international airport.

Commuter (holding short): "What's wrong, the runways in St. Andrews aren't long enough for you?"

Tower: "station calling, say again"

Katana (On final): "Yeah, we're teaching airminaship in groundschool tommorow night, you should drop in".

co-joe · Post by **co-joe** » Fri Aug 06, 2004 12:48 am

I liked the head to head passing notice YEG centre gave us one day. It went back and forth...

traffic 12 oclock and 10 miles opposite direction king air a thousand above.

us: looking

Then he gave the other guy the same heads up on us. Opposite direction king air a thousand below...

them: looking

It went back and forth every few miles us...still looking, them... still looking. Never did see him??? The other guy pipes up and says "guess we wouldn't make very good fighter pilots eh?"

FamilyGuy · Post by **FamilyGuy** » Fri Aug 06, 2004 1:18 am

ATC and Humor in the same sentence? Isn't that an oxymoron like "military intelligence"?

Anyway, overheard this stuck mic on a center freq many years ago during the wee hours of the morning. Names and places changed to protect the innocent.

Stuck mics are the best - or is it worst.

Airplane - Stuck mic - Pilot goes on and on about how much he hates being transferred to a small prairie city while some of his allegedly undeserving buddies get to stay in a big city with a waterfront FBO. He pretty much used every expletive in the book to describe his anger at this move. He was very very un-nice(sp?) towards that little prairie town and its inhabitants - for about 5 mins straight.

Anyway, mic button finally unsticks itself.

Then another pilot (American NWA?) comes on in a long, drawn out, deep southern accent and says "Funny, I always thought of that city as a nice little place".

Dead silence for quite a while. Never did hear that voice again acknowledging any freq changes. Hmmm wonder why??

Panama Jack · Post by **Panama Jack** » Fri Aug 06, 2004 1:21 am

Flying over Atlantic Canada not more than a couple of years ago, overheard to airplanes of the same company talking. Both were monitoring the two same frequencies on their radios-- Center and either air-to-air or company. The funny thing is that while one was transmitting on the more discreet frequency, the other was committing the ultimate faux pas of transmitting on the Centre.

The half-conversation, as we heard it (and recorded on Center tapes), went something like this.

"She's the hottest flight attendant at XXXX Airlines. . . . . "

"Her name is XXXXXXX."

"Oh yeah . . . . "

The Center controller cut the conversation short at that point. Pens were ready in cockpits within radio range for the upcoming phone number.

Yoyoma · Post by **Yoyoma** » Fri Aug 06, 2004 2:56 am

I didn't leave aviation because of the crappy pay, the conditions etc... It was the everlasting burning shame of all my stupid Radio trans...

Over YUL

ATC: N*****, turn now left heading XXX
Gulfstream: Left heading...

A minute later...
ATC: N*****, Now that was good, lets try your other left...
Gulfstream: some stupid remark about his fighter pilot days...

Near Salon in France

Italian dude: ayeee, Salone cuntrrole, Foxeeh eh Gulfee eh...ect
ATC: Ok, Al Pacino, drop the mafia accent and tell what your intentions are...

Airbus test flight

A/C: Iron bird is going around...(meaning he's testing the Missed approach)
ATC: that's very pessimistic since you haven't started your approach...

Who was that dude in BC who used to answer:

Roger dodger triple badger something something....I can't remember...It was funny...

Crispy3M · Post by **Crispy3M** » Fri Aug 06, 2004 5:01 am

Tower wtih Student doing ccts...

Tower: XYZ Cleared the touch and go runway 29 and make the next one a right hand cct

XYZ: Cleared the touch and go 29 with a right hand out

Next cct...

Tower: XYZ Cleared the touch and go 29 and just for your information... right hand ccts are the other way.

pickleswitch · Post by **pickleswitch** » Fri Aug 06, 2004 5:47 am

Years ago when Canadian Regional was still flying the F-28's we were told to "hold short of the runway" for the landing F-28.

I replied, "ABC" is holding short, we have the "fokker in sight".

rotorfloat · Post by **rotorfloat** » Fri Aug 06, 2004 6:16 am

Yesterday Jazz driver kept on calling YYB's rwy 26 'rwy 24'. FSS kept on correcting him. Pilot says "I'll get it right one of these days", and the tower said "It's ok, its all being documented"

cedarjet · Post by **cedarjet** » Fri Aug 06, 2004 6:57 am

172 and a russian Tu-134 overseas.

ATC: 172XXX traffic 11 o'clock 5 miles passing you right to left, caution wake turbulance and follow for rwy 18.

172: negative visual.

few minutes later.

ATC: 172 got the traffic?
172: negative
ATC: 172XXX see the black smoke straight ahead?
172: yes
ATC: follow the black smoke, caution wake turbulance.

Adanac · Post by **Adanac** » Fri Aug 06, 2004 7:25 am

I was in Thunder Bay doing my training in a 172 and was told to hold short as an F-18 was taxiing to depart ahead of me. I kept my distance and followed the fighter to the end of the taxiway. I switch to the tower freq and heard the following:

ATC: Couger 525, taxi to position and hold 25.

F-18: Roger to position and hold. You give me the word and I will fly like a bird.

ATC: Roger Couger 525, you have my concent to leave the cement.

I almost died from laughing so hard. You just knew ATC had been waiting for someone to say that cause he came back with it so quickly. Gotta love it.

Adanac

Kurwa · Post by **Kurwa** » Fri Aug 06, 2004 9:44 am

This kind of traffic pass from ATC always gets me going and this time I had to say something, perhaps it was poor form on my part but I couldn't resist:

ATC: Canadian-XXXX, traffic 6 o'clock, 5 miles.

Us: Negative contact, we're looking in the rear-view mirror.

KAG · Post by **KAG** » Fri Aug 06, 2004 10:04 am

This one happened between me, my copilot, and the local cars operator up north, on my first week on the job. the one thing you must know is in our AC we have 2 push to talks, one for the radio, and the other for the intercom......
We had done a few trips already, and this was our final stop of the day. We finished loading (bulked put) passengers and baggage, and were taxing out to depart. The cars operator comes over the radio and asks if we have room for one more? I politely reply we don't, but there is a flight later on that evening.
I then look over at my copilot, key the intercom button (or so I thought) and said, "were f@cking filled to the nuts, were going the f@ck home" while my copilot starts to laugh, and the realisation of what I had just done hits home, the cars operator then comes back..."ahh, roger that"

oldtimer · Post by **oldtimer** » Fri Aug 06, 2004 6:18 pm

The Gulfstream G1 was a fast bird but a slow climber. ATC want a guy to expidite his climb. When clear of traffic, ATC were sarcastic about the rate of climb. The pilot comes back, "I have 5000 hours in a G1, 4000 of it in a climb."
I used to know a real character from Dodge City Kansas who flew into Calgary on a regular basis and tower was busy. He called south of the city for landing information.
Tower says "Report the white tanks (a prominent visual reporting point) for a base on 25, what is your position"
"I'm over the turkey farm"
a long pause
"Where is the turkey farm"
Reply "You tell me where those white tanks are and I will tell you where this turkey farm is"

shitdisturber · Post by **shitdisturber** » Fri Aug 06, 2004 6:44 pm

Was skydiver driving in a 182 out of a control zone a few years back on a quiet summer Sunday morning. The guy in the tower was apparently as bored as I was since at around 9 in the morning he asked, "are you going to get to altitude before too much longer?"
To which I replied, "i've got another 2,000 feet to go."
Immediately he responded, "i'm just curious because it's going to be dark soon."

Tube Driver · Post by **Tube Driver** » Fri Aug 06, 2004 7:35 pm

ATC (female YEG): xxx would you like a tight gate?

xxx: the tighter the better.

ATC: Well your only a little guy but I will see if I can accomidate you.

TG · Post by TG » Fri Aug 06, 2004 8:26 pm

Already posted this before but it's a good one.

From an ATC friend in Montreal, one of his buddy had to handle departures after an airshow and here comes "Hard22" a CF-18:

ATC: "Hard22, what's your heading?"
F-18: "..........."
ATC: "Hard22, what is your heading?"
F-18: "krschhhhh........"
ATC: "HARD22-WHAT-IS-YOUR-HEADING??????"
F-18: ".....'m not heading.....'m climbing...."

Now, I'm jealous!

... · Post by **...** » Fri Aug 06, 2004 8:50 pm

I am sure everyone heard this one

American Airlines pilot was set to retire after this last flight. Upon taxiing for departure he stated to the YYZ tower.

"Well after 30 years, this will be my last take off as a professional pilot. I just want to thank you folks up there for all the help over the years. You have been the second best controlling service in the world"

ATC reply's:

"Well thank you" pause for a moment
"May we ask who is number one in all your travels?"

Captain reply's:

"Everyone else"

FamilyGuy · Post by **FamilyGuy** » Sat Aug 07, 2004 12:07 am

Ahh come on now, you can't go sloggin off on those people in YYZ..Its the center of the Canadian Universe don't ya know eh!!! Without them we'd just be a bunch of flying farmers...LOL

With that little upstart with the green happy face on the tail now flying that German product's bigger model, the quick one-liners are endless.

Little Fokker in sight...
Big Fokker in sight...
Haven't heard "Mother Fokker" yet........

joe to go · Post by **joe to go** » Sat Aug 07, 2004 12:22 am

After landing on 34 one night in Calgary, we were given C1 reverse as an exit. After contacting ground, they told us to taxi Charlie but hold short of 25-07. We called holding short and the controller replied "Company is on final for 25 and I think they are trying to beat you in for beers so if you can expedite across, the first one is yours".

Calgary has some good controllers. My favorite is the mellow guy that usually works evenings. The dude is so calm and collected. He talks half the speed the others do and is twice as efficient.

And on another note, is Edmonton and Calgary ATC on work to rule. If anyone else thinks so, start a new post on it

FSS · Post by **FSS** » Sat Aug 07, 2004 4:57 am

Many years ago, one of the first Japan Air flights into Vancouver, there was com between the pilot and tower as to navigation, runways, etc, which was compounded by language. In the middle of this came a heavy American drawl "you little buggers didn't have this much trouble finding Pearl Harbour".